Once upon a time

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:41:08 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (9/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: Some things you should forget, some you should've remembered.
Spoilers: Recoil.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Why Don't You Kiss Her?
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

Oh I'm so afraid to make that first move
Just a touch and we could cross the line
And every time she's near, I wanna never let her go
Confess to her what my heart knows
Hold her close
Why don't you kiss her?
Why don't you tell her?
Why don't you let her see
the feelings that you hide?
'Cause she'll never know
if you never show
the way you feel inside

He broke their case that afternoon. He broke their case, and rekindled their ability to communicate. As soon as she had recovered from the fact that he had actually called out her name and spoken to her, he explained to her what he'd found, and as she listened, she realized that this was the piece of evidence they needed.

"Good job, Ryan."

The smile on his face was so genuine it made her want to say it again, just to keep that smile on his face. He looked so much more Ryan, when he was smiling. It was like Ryan and his smile could not be seen as two separate things. If Ryan wasn't smiling, he wasn't fully Ryan. It made sense in some way.

"Thanks Cal."

Her heart made a back flip in her chest. They were talking. They were actually talking. And not only were they talking, he called her Cal. She watched as he grabbed the pictures together, but then started sorting them. By file number, she saw when she focused on them, and in the back of her mind she remembered how she'd once told him she usually organized by file number, instead of by date, which was what he had been doing when she entered.

"Didn't you…didn't you sort by date?" She asked, making a thoughtful face, trying to make sure her thoughts were right.

He looked up at her. "Yeah, I used to. But you sort by file number and I figured that if we'd be working together a lot, since you're my mentor, it'd be better if I did it by file number as well. I can't help but organize things, so it seemed like a better idea to sort it the way you want it to instead of sorting it my way and then have you re-sort it."

Calleigh looked at him in astonishment. "You adjusted your way of sorting so that it wouldn't collide with mine?"
"I just didn't want you to get mad at me for sorting it the wrong way so, yeah; I guess you could say that."

Her eyes wide, Calleigh realized that for a person with OCD, changing your routine would be a terribly hard thing to do.

"You needn't have done that."
He shrugged. "I wanted to. In the end, I think it's actually a lot more functional in court."

Calleigh smiled. She then remembered something else he just mentioned.

"I am your mentor?"
"Well, not in the most literal meaning I guess, but I never stopped thinking of you as my mentor, even when we didn't work as many cases together anymore. You are the person I learnt most from here."
"I'll take that as a compliment, and thank you. I'm convinced you don't need a mentor anymore, though."
"Everyone needs a mentor now and then."

She pondered that. In rare cases, she looked over her shoulder as well, wanting to find someone there to tell her what to do. Most times, she would find no one there, and she knew she had to find out on her own. She'd turn back to find other people looking over their shoulders to her, wanting her to tell them what to do, and she'd learn them how to find out on their own, as well.

"I guess that's true. No one's perfect, no one can do everything on their own all the time. We all need someone to turn to at some point."
"Who do you turn to?"
"Honestly?" She asked, and he nodded, looking eager to hear her answer. To hear his name, perhaps?
"Myself."

His eyes widened in confusion. "Yourself?"
"You know me; I don't much like to talk about myself, or admit I can't do something. I'll always try to figure it out on my own."
"So…you think I should do more on my own?"
"I didn't say my method was automatically the right one. I think it can't hurt to ask, I just know that I, personally, won't."

He nodded to himself in understanding, and looked down at the floor. Maybe he should've turned to himself more, as well. He knew it never hurt to ask, that she'd always answer his questions, but maybe if he hadn't depended on her this much, he'd never have fallen in love with her. On the other hand, he knew that wasn't true, because he fell in love with her the second she walked into his college class to give her seminar.

"Don't you ever get sick and tired of having to do everything on your own?" He asked, looking into her eyes.
"Of course. But then I remember why I'm doing this, why I wanted this job."
"Because the satisfaction you get from locking a killer away is overwhelming." Ryan muttered.
"What?"

Calleigh looked at him, her features overtaken by a confused look.

"The satisfaction you get from locking a killer away is overwhelming." He repeated.
She blinked. "Those are not your words."
"No, they're yours. That what you said to me, the day you gave the seminar. At Starbucks."

She tilted her head slightly and eyed him as if she'd never seen him before. Flashes of memory seemed to pass by her eyes in rapid velocity; she closed her eyes for just a second as the last piece of the puzzle fitted smoothly into the last remaining hole.

"Calleigh. Calleigh Duquesne."
"I'm Ryan Wolfe."
"I'll try to remember that. Nice meeting you Ryan."
"Same here, Calleigh."

"Oh my Lord."
"What? Calleigh, are you alright?"

He walked around the table and just as he was about to reach out his hand to her, she turned her head and looked at him.

"That was you."

He nodded.

"Of course. Why didn't I make the connection before? Your name should've rung a bell inside my head; your face should seem familiar somehow. The desperation to prove yourself, even the fact that you're from Boston didn't tip me off."
"It's okay. You probably do multiple classes in a semester like that, different cities, different faces. I can't be the only guy you randomly ran in to after giving your lecture."
"Well, that's true, but with this amount of similarities you'd think I'd have at least gotten some clue. Gosh."

She covered her face with her hand, rubbed her face and slowly removed it.

"I feel old."

She laughed and he shyly joined her. He didn't say that he thought she definitely wasn't old in his eyes, that she looked beautiful no matter what her age was, and that he didn't care that she hadn't remembered him. The first two, he didn't say because he was afraid to, the latter he didn't say because it was a lie.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and just put on a brave face for her. Didn't think she noticed the minor tremble in his lips, didn't notice the slight narrowing of her eyes.

"Do you want to do the interrogation together?" She asked.
"You can do it."
"You broke the case. You don't want to wrap it up yourself?"
"I'm fine. I mean it's fine."

Ryan stumbled over his words, and turned red. "Really, you do it."

Calleigh eyed him suspiciously but nodded, grabbing her files and his stack of photos together and holding them in front of her chest, similar to the way she'd held her files the day of the seminar. He didn't know if it was the coincidence that caused it, but he suddenly felt just as nervous as that day, while he normally felt calm and collected around her.

She left the room and he sat in silence until he realized that he was holding in his breath. He breathed out slowly, and pushed his chair backwards as he stood up.

Good God, this woman was going to be the death of him.

FF.net link:
What would she say? I wonder would she just turn away, or would she promise me that she's here to stay?

Fic: Bang Bang

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:08:57 GMT

Title: Bang Bang
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: 'Will I lose you, too?' Calleigh can't deal with the pain on her own this time. Post Bang Bang, Your Debt.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Bang Bang, Your Debt
Song: Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang
A/N: Found this old fic on my laptop. Thought I should share.

Bang bang
I shot you down, bang bang
You hit the ground, bang bang
That awful sound, bang bang
I used to shoot you down

The replacement. After three years, hundreds of cases and numerous days spend in each other's presence; that was still how he felt.

Over the years he did notice that he was being accepted more, that he grew to be a colleague, a partner, a friend. But always the replacement. It made sense to him, in every way, working with him, seeing him; it would always remind them of the man that was there before him. The man everyone had loved, the man everyone had respected. The man called Tim Speedle.

Ryan had never known him. He might have seen him on the streets sometime, or maybe he worked one of the cases he was on as patrol officer, but he'd never officially met the guy. He wished he had, because every time one of his colleagues talked about him, he was at a loss for words. How do you say something about someone you've never met?

When he visited Alexx today, he had secretly expected her to hire him immediately. He'd always seen her as some sort of substitute mother, the entire team saw her as that, and he thought she'd take him under her wing. Instead, he got a cold treatment, and no job. Part of him didn't blame her. Part of him did.

It was in moments like these that the familiar feeling of being the outsider returned. The entire team was like family, but he was the black sheep. The rotten apple. The criminal son. He knew he unconsciously had been a burden to them, yet didn't think he deserved this kind of treatment for it. He didn't think he deserved to be ignored, to be left out of the field now that he was fired. If they truly were family, they would never have abandoned him when he needed them most.

But they did, and he was alone in his apartment. Everything seemed normal, yet he felt like he was just an empty shell, a mere shadow of what he used to be. His job had meant everything to him, his job had gotten him through the days, and now that he lost it, even if he thought his actions leading to that had been right, it tore him up inside. His job at the gun range, he saw it as a temporarily volunteer job. The payment sure suggested that kind of job, it was hardly enough to pay his rent. He had hoped that Alexx taking him in would give him more money to live from, and a chance to earn back the respect of his co-workers. But he wasn't given the chance.

And he had to be honest to himself: that hurt.

He thought that he at least meant something to the members of his former team. Alexx had been rather vicious to him in the beginning, stating she didn't need another friend, but in time she had babied him like she did every other member, and he had been able to laugh with her, but also talk about serious things with her. She might be hurt that he never told her about his gambling, about the problems he had. She might've felt left out of the loop, but she wasn't. He hadn't told anyone, they all had to find out when it was too late.

But he never went to explain himself to her either. He didn't do that with anyone. He denied to Horatio that there was a problem, Eric didn't even have the slightest assumption, Natalia knew about the gun range but nothing beyond that. Only Calleigh asked him about his actions, only Calleigh knew why. And only with her had he felt like he owed her an explanation.

Never had he felt better than when she told him 'good job'. Some of his happiest memories involved her, and some of his worst memories could be discarded by her. She was his only hold during hard times, the only one he talked to about his problems and fears. Just not this time…not when he should have. He talked to her only after the fact, after he'd passed the point of her being able to help. It had just been too late.

His doorbell rang and he was pulled out of his trance. Slightly afraid that it was going to be someone he didn't want to see, perhaps another person demanding money, perhaps another internal affairs officer, he peaked through the curtains. His heart jumped when he saw a glimpse of blond hair and he hurried over to the door to open it.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw the object of his ponderings standing in front of him. But what shocked him more than the fact that she was actually there, was the fact that she looked emotionally exhausted, on the verge of crying, and he instinctively knew that she had been cropping up feelings inside of her again.

"Cal…"

She didn't answer him; she licked her lips and looked at him pleadingly. He opened the door further and took a step back, allowing her to enter his apartment.

"Come i-"

She walked past him, into his living room, cutting him short. He closed the door and watched her look around his home.

"It's been too long." She said softly.
"Yes, it has." He confirmed.

He sat down on the couch and folded his hands together. She crossed her arms, her eyes gliding over every aspect of his living room, before resting on him.

"How are you doing?"
"I feel like I should be asking you that question."

A sad smile made her distressing appearance complete. He gestured to the space next to him on the couch. She slowly walked over and sat down next to him, arms touching. He turned his head to look at her; she kept looking straight ahead of her.

"Talk to me, Calleigh." Ryan pleaded.

She opened her mouth but closed it again, shaking her head. "I just can't believe he'd hurt us like that."
"Who hurt you? Hurt you like what? Calleigh you have to remember that I don't get first hand information anymore."
"It's alright; I don't want to bother you with it…"

Calleigh stood up but Ryan grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her back down onto the couch.

"I want to listen to you, but you'll have to tell me everything, from the beginning.
"We found Speedle's creditcard today."
"Speedle? He's…he's dead, right?"
"Yes. He is."

Calleigh closed her eyes and Ryan reached over and took her hand in his, laying it in her lap. She opened her eyes and looked at their entwined hands, yet didn't pull free.

"Eric is having transitory hallucinations as a result of his head injury." Calleigh said. "He…he kept mumbling things throughout the entire case…I asked him, I begged him to tell me what was wrong but every time he told me he was fine."

Ryan didn't get the link between this and Speedle's credit card, but he wasn't about to interrupt her now. She was finally talking to him again, opening up, and whatever he was wondering, she'd answer eventually.

"He saw Speedle. A couple of times during the case he saw Speedle. He even talked to him. He says Speed…Speed lead him to the important evidence, Speed cracked the case."
"Does he realize that Speedle is dead?" Ryan carefully asked.
"Yes. Just…the hallucinations and the creditcard…It made him doubt himself."
"Is he alright?"

Calleigh nodded.

"He saw a specialist…and Horatio talked to him. I think he's gonna be okay, it just…made him believe in something that wasn't there and now he has to realize that it wasn't real. And that's hard."

Ryan remained silent for a moment, giving her time to give what she just told him a place. He then calmly urged her to continue on.

"But who hurt you? Eric?"
"No…Dan."
"Dan? Dan Cooper?"
"He wants to be a CSI."

Ryan's face drained of color and his eyes grew to 'deer-in-headlight' size. She looked at him for the first time during their conversation and squeezed his hand.

"Don't worry; he's not coming in as your replacement. We'd never let him. He's not coming in now anyway…"
"What happened?" Ryan asked, secretly feeling relieved.
"He went to check out Speedle's locker, because we talk about him a lot. His creditcard was in it…200 dollars…"
"Oh God. Don't tell me Cooper…"
"Used it. Only he used 2300 dollars."
"Shit."

Ryan looked at the floor, unable to believe that one of their colleagues…his ex-colleagues would dare doing something like that. He immediately understood why Calleigh was so upset. Not only had Dan given Eric false hope, he had invaded Speedle's private affects. He made a fist of his free hand, unable to hide his anger completely.

"And then the worst thing is he talked about it like it was not a big deal. 'He's dead, Cal, he's not going to miss it'."

Something inside of Ryan snapped. How dare Cooper talk about Speedle like that? How dare he call her Cal, and talk to her like nothing was wrong?

"The son of a bitch…"

Calleigh shuddered and he wanted to wrap an arm around her shoulder, but wasn't sure if she'd allow it. After all, he wasn't her most favorite person in the world right now. He wasn't sure if she accepted the same things from him as she once had.

"He said how you got a second chance." She continued. "The lab gave Ryan a second chance."
Ryan sighed. "What did you say?"
"That you broke protocol, and that he broke the law. It's fraud."

Ryan nodded. He understood quite well, and he was thankful for the fact that he was getting a second chance, if all went well.

"I miss you, Ryan. I miss you more than I can afford myself."
"What do you mean?"
"It's just not the same without you. The things at the lab are the same; I just don't have you…to talk to."
"Just that I don't work at the lab right now doesn't mean you can't come and talk to me anymore."
"I wanted to be mad at you, I wanted to be disappointed in you, but all I got was loneliness. I didn't realize, but I need you around. I even miss the simplest things like just standing next to you, going over evidence."

Ryan listened silently as she poured her heart out. He had always thought that she told him a lot about her feelings, but she'd never gone as far as this. He held her hand in his and quietly urged her to go on.

"The slightest touch of the hands, just to see your smile from across the hallway. It sounds…"
"…exactly like I feel. Making a mistake didn't make me stop caring."
"I don't want to lose you like I lost Tim."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry Dan did this to you, that he disgraced Speedle. I don't like seeing you like this."
"I lost him before I had a chance. If I…"

She hung her head and Ryan was surprised to see her cheeks get wet. He reached his hand up to touch her face but she flinched, turning her head away.

"Hey. Cal, look at me."

She kept her head firmly down, face directed to the floor, where dark spots appeared in his light carpet.

"Fine, then don't look at me, but at least listen to me. You did nothing wrong, never did. I can't tell you why things happen because as much as I would like to, I don't know. Dan was awfully wrong in what he did, and Speedle's death was tragic…and I'm sorry you had to go through this, both things. I wish that I could change it back for you, but it happened…and as stupid as it may sound, you'll have to learn to give it a place."

She looked up at him, the tears shining in her eyes. She wasn't ashamed of them, though.

"Will I lose you, too?"
"No. I'm coming back to the lab, Cal. I don't know how, and I don't know how soon, but even if I have to be janitor to get inside, I'm getting inside."
Calleigh chuckled through her tears. "Oh Ryan."

Ryan finally pulled his hand loose from hers and lifted it towards her face. He gently stroked her wet cheek, wiping the tears off. His touch felt easing and reassuring on her face, and she didn't pull away.

"If you want to…" He started, "I could drop by the lab tomorrow…" Pausing, he moved his hand to brush a strain of hair out of her face. "…and maybe we can have lunch together?"

Calleigh blinked, her eyes going to his hand on the side of her face, cupping it. Then she looked him straight in the eye. She sucked in a breath through a crack in her lips to control herself.

"I'd like that."

She stood up, his hand falling down onto the couch.

"I should go. I'll show myself out."
"Alright, Cal. I will see you tomorrow, then?"
"Yes. Please."
"Don't think about it too much, okay? You can't change the past."

Calleigh nodded and walked over to the door, stopping right in front of it. Her hand reached out to the knob, but she didn't turn it yet.

"You know, I could just picture you mopping the floors."
Ryan laughed and stood up. "Let's just hope I get to break vials on that floor again, instead of cleaning them."
"Thanks for this, Ryan."
"You're always welcome. You know that."
"I do."

She turned towards him, a grateful smile lighting up her face. "Pick me up at one?"

"As you wish, Miss Duquesne." Ryan winked and Calleigh turned back, stepping out of his apartment. She walked away, the wind blowing through her hair. She was still smiling. Ryan had, as always, managed to cheer her up, as well as let her believe that something good was coming up in her life. She hadn't misunderstood the way he had touched her face, and she knew what she had prevented by standing up when she did. She also knew, that when the time was right, she would allow it. Because she needed some happiness in her life, as did he. And they could give each other just that.

Ryan sat back down on the couch inside his living room. He smiled, too, and suddenly he didn't feel like the replacement that much anymore.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 11:41:36 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (8/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: She seems to understand him perfectly, it's herself she's struggling with.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Alexx looked up in surprise as she saw Calleigh entering her morgue. She looked around, there were no bodies prepped for autopsy, and as far as she was concerned, there wasn't a case that required another check of the body. Her eyebrow therefore shot up in obvious confusion as the southern blond smiled and leaned the palms of her hands on a cold autopsy table.

"Hi Alexx."
"Hi Calleigh, dear. What brings you down into my humble surroundings?"
"Can't a girl come down here for a little chat, from one woman to another?" Calleigh smiled brightly.
"Of course you can baby. You just don't do it often." Alexx smiled back.
"Maybe I'm just not often in the situation where I need some motherly advice."
"Ah!"

Alexx placed a file on a table and walked around to meet Calleigh on the other side of the table.

"Now why didn't you say so immediately? You know I love my gossip."
"Well, I hadn't exactly planned for this conversation to be the lab's next big thing, if you get what I mean."
"Private conversation, I got it. Go for it."

Calleigh leaned her back against the table, attempting to strike a relaxed and confident pose at the same time.

"Well, I know you were talking to Ryan the other day, and I'm sure, with him being the emotional…well, him, he told you about what happened the other day?"
"Yes he did darling, that he did, but he didn't have to. I've witnessed it all with my own two eyes."

Calleigh turned white and raised an eyebrow. "What were you doing at the parking lot across the street?"
"Parking lot across the street?" Alexx said confused, "I saw you in the locker room. What happened at the parking lot across the street?"

Calleigh closed her eyes and sighed. She began to tell the entire story to Alexx, knowing that no matter how much she dreaded to, it would make her feel better.

"We kissed."
"That I figured, I'm more interested to know what led to it."
"He just…he saved my life, when I was bitten by the snake…he carried me through the Everglades, Alexx, and the look in his eyes…I don't know why I've never realized exactly what it meant. He stayed with me in the hospital until I woke up…and then we talked for a long time before he eventually left. The next morning he was back to drive me to work, and when we arrived in the parking lot, we kissed."

Alexx listened fascinated yet judgingly, processing the story in her head, forming her opinion based on these new facts.

"But I don't know what to think, I don't know what I want. I told him I needed time, but now I think I've hurt him, but I didn't mean to. I just don't know Alexx…" Calleigh finished.

Sighing, Calleigh lowered her head, staring at the floor.

"Sweetheart, you're worrying too much. If you need time to figure this out then you know Ryan's gonna give you time." Alexx said, placing her hand on Calleigh's shoulder.
"But I just can't be around him now. I mean, not that I can't as in I don't want to, but whenever I am I start doubting everything, and it seems like we're unintentionally avoiding each other all the time, but I don't want that, because he is my best friend. D'you understand?"
"I do Calleigh, I do, but you have to give it time, exactly like you asked for. You will figure out what you want, I'm positive, but I'm also sure that in the state you're in, it's not going to come to you within the next week." Alexx concluded.
"Great."
"It's never been simple baby. You should know that."
"I do. I just don't like it."

"I really, really don't like it." Calleigh thought as she sat in one of the observation rooms with case files spread out on the table in front of her, Ryan sitting in the chair opposite of her with a bunch of photographs spread out in front of him, and no word had been said, not even when she'd entered.

She flipped another page and picked up a piece of paper, studying it thoroughly. Their case had definitely reached a dead end, and they didn't satisfy themselves with an unsolved case. So every member on it had retired into a place where they could think straight. Or, this had been the plan. Until Calleigh walked into the same room Ryan was sitting in. Getting back out would seem rude, especially since he did look up at her, so she had just flashed him a smile and sat down on the other side of the table.

And she was still sitting there now, as was he still sitting across from her. His eyes were gliding across the pictures in front of him, flipping through them, shoving them around, but never letting his attention slip to her. She focused on her file, but upon realizing that she'd been reading the same sentence five times, and still didn't know exactly what it said, she gave into her ponderings.

Alexx had told her that if she needed time, that Ryan would give her time, and she was right in that. Ryan was just that kind of guy, and especially around her -or so Calleigh liked to think. He always took her feelings into account, asked her what she wanted, and lived up to that. If she said yes, it was yes, if she said no, it was no. He trusted her judgment for a hundred percent, probably a result from her mentoring days, and she knew he'd only go against her if he was 110 percent sure he had good reasons and arguments to go against her.

Well, most of the time.

Sometimes he was irrational; his vision would be clouded by personal experience, prejudices, or just his naïve and ignorant mind. On a couple occasions she had to set him straight, because, driven by his passionate side, he'd been making comments or actions that weren't right. But no one was perfect, and she found that she actually liked that passionate, involved side of him. At least it proved he cared, about the things they worked for, and for her. And as unlikely as it sounded, that was a rarity in her life.

He had a bit of a temper, which especially came out when things didn't go the way he wanted them to. More specifically, when injustice was done. She hadn't found out, and shamefully she realized that she'd never asked either, why he was so incredibly set on things being 'right'. She did this job because she wanted justice, too, they all wanted that, but there was something about him that pushed him more than it did them, something that when things weren't 'right', made him explode. She'd expected it to have something to do with his OCD, and she made the mental note that, if they ever went back to talking again, she should ask him about it.

He felt easily attacked too. He was all for conversation, he could be social and he was a very good listener, but he wasn't much for conversation when it was about him. He tended to go into denial or defense quickly. But she understood that, she was exactly like that. If people started talking to her about herself, the chance was high they heard something they wanted to confirm, and there was always the chance it would be spread and it would have negative effects for her in the end. So she understood Ryan's reluctance to talk about himself.

She had, however, gotten him to open up to her on multiple occasions. Apparently he thought, or used to think at least, that she couldn't do him much harm. And that had never been her goal, indeed. She was a naturally curious person, and she just liked to get to know people better. During his first two years at CSI, she'd gotten to know a lot about him, and just when she was fairly sure she knew him well, in his third year there had been a turn in his behavior. He'd gotten more private, kept more things bottled up inside himself. It had scared her, because she recognized this behavior from herself, and she knew how the load could be too much to bear.

He had turned to gambling, and she had felt useless. She knew the reasons for it; she was a smart woman who knew him better than he thought she did. But she hadn't known how to help him. And because of that, she had instead turned to another emotion she knew well: disappointment. In a way, she felt let down by him, disappointed that he let things get as far as getting himself fired. She was glad that after he returned, they'd eventually had the chance to talk about things, and get him to open up slightly. She knew that he hadn't told her everything, but after the events of the last few days, she suddenly knew what had been the main reason for his gambling.

And she couldn't help but feel guilty.

She stole a glance in his direction, only to see him still staring at his pictures in trance. She swallowed, she so desperately wanted to make some witty, sexy comment that would make him grin and give a teasing reply, as they used to do, but she couldn't think of anything at all. She didn't think he felt like it either, because he had made no attempt to start a conversation with her either.

She wondered if he was really that hurt. She'd never noticed his male pride to be so…there. Perhaps he was just shielding himself from her to soften the expected blow, or maybe he was trying to keep his emotions in check this way. Or maybe he's just giving you the space you asked for.

Damnit. Ryan Wolfe really was that kind of guy.

She looked over at him again, and again he was fixated on his photographs. She didn't know why she minded, she should be glad that he was doing his job well instead of letting her distract him. She looked at her file. What did she want to do if he looked back anyway? It was not like she knew what to tell him.

"Cal?"

She never had been the type for awkward behavior; she always had an answer or a comment ready. Especially around him it had never been difficult to start a conversation about anything at all, about work, or private matters, or about the birds and the bees. Anything at all worked for them. Or, rather, used to work for them.

"Cal."

She wondered, if she were to just say something, anything, to him, would he reply normally? She'd try it out, but she honestly had no clue what to talk about. Talking about the case seemed useless since they were both on it and obviously neither of them had found anything new yet. Talking about anything other than the case seemed useless as well, because they were here to find a new lead on it, not to talk about what he'd be eating for dinner later that day.

"Calleigh!"

She jumped and looked up at him, surprised that he was really talking to her.

"What?"
"I've got it."

FF.net link: I want to be what you always needed, then I hope you'll see the heart in me.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:57:48 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (7/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: She wasn't having the easiest time of her life, either.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Anybody
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

Has anybody ever felt this way?
Has anybody been ripped apart?
Anybody give everything to the one they love?
Am I the only one left behind?
Am I the only one who hates goodbyes?
God I know this can't go on forever

When Horatio entered the lab the next morning, earlier than everyone else, as always, he wasn't expecting to find anyone there. As every other morning, he was planning on going into his office; finish the paperwork that was piling up; and when the rest of his team was coming in, he would hand out new assignments or ask them their progress in the case they were working on. He walked through the hallway, opened a lab with his master key, flicked on the lights, and then moved on to the next lab. He followed his habitual round through the lab, until he reached the ballistics' lab. He was surprise to notice that the door wasn't closed.

He reached for the doorknob and opened the door softly. The lights inside were off, but in the light that came from the hallway he could clearly see Calleigh's sleeping form draped over her desk. Her hair hung loose over her face, and on her desk laid the hair band that had kept it back before. Her head was resting on her arms, her ear-protection and glasses forgotten on the floor.

With a small smile on his face, yet with concerned eyes, he stepped into the lab and closed the door behind him. The sound awoke Calleigh and she opened her eyes, blinking as to remember where she was. Horatio grabbed a chair and sat down next to her as she sat up abruptly.

"Horatio! I am so sorry, I didn't know…"

Horatio put his hand up in the air, silencing her.

"Don't worry about it ma'am. I'm more interested in the reason you're here than any excuses. I know you consider the lab your second home, but this is going a little far."

Calleigh gave a small smile.

"Yeah. I must've just fallen asleep. I was in late, I wanted to finish something, and I can't remember…I think I just dozed off." She explained, running a hand through her wild hair in the meantime.
"You know my opinion on staying in late."
"I do, but…honestly, I hardly realized the time. It's just, I've got a lot of things on my mind right now, and I think it just got the best of me."
"Is there anything I should know?"
"No, it's not professional. It's personal."
"That doesn't necessarily mean I shouldn't know about it. Besides your boss, I am your friend, Calleigh." Horatio raised his eyebrows.
"I know Horatio." Calleigh smiled sweetly. "It's a couple of things I'm struggling with. I promise I won't let it interfere with the job again."
"I trust you on that. Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
Calleigh nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine."

Horatio started to stand up and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Go freshen yourself up in the locker room, then. You can have the day off if you need it."
"You know that's a worthless question." Calleigh said, tilting her head slightly.
"I'm still going to ask you."
"I'll go clean up."

Horatio left the ballistics' lab as Calleigh grabbed her things together. As he walked through the hallway, he thought about how often he'd heard Calleigh say she was fine. It was her standard answer, meaning 'I'm really not going to tell you what's going on, so leave it'. He hated it when she did that, because he saw her as a colleague, a friend, a daughter. He'd seen her go through several rough times, and wondered what it was this time.

A lot of her breakdowns had been caused by her father. His constant drinking had asked for her to pick him up at bars on several occasions. His periodic promises of lying off alcohol meant nothing to her anymore, but still hurt her inside when he failed to follow them again. And Horatio knew that there were a lot of tickets she'd made to go away. The DUIs, even the possible vehicular manslaughters. He knew that she didn't like it, but he also knew that she wouldn't be able to stay away. She loved her father despite everything he did, and she saw it as her personal duty to take care of him like he'd once, no matter how good or bad, taken care of her.

He hadn't heard from Duke Duquesne in a while, though, so he couldn't testify to whether he was drinking at the moment or not.

Several other reasons that had put Calleigh in distress went by the names of John Hagen, Peter Elliot, Jake Berkely and Eric Delko. With her southern princess looks, Calleigh didn't have to beg for men's attention. She was resistant of entering a real commitment with any though, because she had been hurt, and was constantly afraid of being hurt. He could understand her, although he somewhere thought that she was asking for it by being distrustful. He had to admit that her taste in men was…bad, to say the least. There were nice man interested in her, but she passed them on the way to another bad boy that would end up hurting her. Horatio just hoped, for her sake, that one day she'd open her eyes.

But he hadn't seen her with any particular man a lot, lately, so he really couldn't be sure if there was someone in her life at this time.

Other reasons for a sudden lapse could be the case, the snake bite that had almost caused her life. Of all things Calleigh Duquesne had had happening to her, being bitten by a snake wasn't among them, Horatio knew. In some way, no matter how cool and easy she handled the situation, inside she must have been affected by the event. If not by the pain; then by the unfamiliar feelings. The numbness of her hand, the sudden sickness and the dependence, the feeling of putting her life in someone else's hands. At the very least Horatio thought that her falling asleep at work proved that indeed she had been in some way thrown off by something, and the snake bite seemed the most logical option right now.

On his way back to his office he saw Ryan, Eric and Natalia approach. He smiled; they were right on time, even a little early, as always. He only had to look at them and they knew what to do. Natalia and Ryan turned left, and entered a lab. Eric walked the final distance and came to a stop in front of him.

"H."
"Eric."
"You look worried. Is something wrong?"
"It's just another day, Eric. Just another day."
"Is Calleigh in yet?"
"She is."
"Is she still on this case? I mean, after what happened, and yesterday she didn't really work on it."
"You know her, Eric. She's still on this case."
Eric nodded. "Okay. Anyway, I wanted to ask if you want to join me in interrogation. I think a night in jail has loosened Mr. Tough Guy up."

Horatio looked down the hallway and saw Calleigh turn the corner, coming out of the direction of the locker room. She looked up at him and smiled, probably more to Eric than to him. He noticed she looked better, and turned to answer Eric's question.

"Lead the way."

Calleigh watched them leave and saw Ryan emerging from a lab right behind them. She felt her heart skip a beat and quickly turned to face away from him. She didn't know what she was going to do. She'd missed one day's worth of working on the case, and she'd missed half the facts and progresses. But the only person she could ask right now was the only person she was trying to avoid. She felt like she was slowly being split in two, two different sides of her with two different opinions.

Ryan stood at the desk behind her, an open case file in his hands but his eyes directed at anything but the file. He noticed his hand was shaking, he was nervous being in her presence. He shook his head as to shake himself back to reality and looked at the files. "Thanks Paula." He said quickly. He had to show the files in his hands to Natalia, who was in the DNA lab, but to get there, he would have to pass Calleigh.

He took a deep breath and started walking. He was closing in on her. She was facing away from him, her blond hair in a neat ponytail, as always. He clung to the case file tighter as he got only inches away from her.

And then she stepped aside and turned, making him crash into her, sending his papers flying to the ground. The sudden collision made her eyes grow a size and Ryan's hand trembling even more than before. He kneeled and started picking up his papers. Calleigh made an attempt to follow him, but he quickly blurted out that she didn't have to. Instead she looked down on him, trying to calm her heartbeat down.

"I'm sorry Ryan. I didn't see you coming."
"It's okay. It happens."
"Are those files from our case?"

Ryan stood up; the files now back in his hands, but not in order. The little voice in his head told him to organize them, but his heart screamed at him to get away from Calleigh first, before it would explode.

"Yeah. I have to get these to Natalia, if you don't mind…?" He gestured past her and Calleigh's face got an 'oh, right' look on it. She stepped aside.
"No, go ahead. I'll see you later then."
"Yes, see you later."

He disappeared past her, and Calleigh closed her eyes. Were things always going to be like this from now on? Clumsy, and awkward? She didn't want them to be like this, desperately trying to avoid each other, and quickly trying to get away if they did meet. She looked back over her shoulder and saw Ryan entering the DNA lab, Natalia looking up at his presence. They briefly discussed the files, turning pages and changing facial expressions, and then Ryan turned and got out again.

Something snapped inside of Calleigh as she realized she hadn't moved since he walked past her, and he noticed as he looked at her. She made a small smile appear on her face, and he smiled back, clearly unsure of what to think. He gave a small nod to himself, as if to remind himself he was supposed to be doing other things, and turned left, walking away.

Calleigh moved in the same direction. She didn't want to be like this, she couldn't be like this. But then she stopped. Did she really want to go after him while she still didn't have an answer for him? Did she want to provoke another uncomfortable situation with him? No. She'd better leave him alone, give him rest, until she had a real reason to go and talk to him.

Things would get better, it was only just recent. It would fade away.
Right?

FF.net link: I never dreamed that I'd be in this place, but here I am all alone.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Sat, 31 May 2008 19:02:57 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (6/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: Even when she wasn't around, he still wouldn't get a break.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Why Is Love So Hard To Find?
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

If it's love that keeps us breathing
gives us something to believe in
Is it fear that makes us blind?
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?
If we hear so much about it
and we can't go on without it
Let the mystery unwind
Tell me, why is love so hard to find?

Ryan was lying on his covers, wearing nothing but his boxers and a Boston College T-shirt he had had since his college days. His eyes were closed, and his chest was going up and down peacefully, in a perfectly steady rhythm. For any person that might see him in this condition, the obvious conclusion was to say that he was sleeping. It seemed so.

But he wasn't.

He was simply staring at the inside of his eyes, images of his past two days playing before him like he was in the theatre. It started out like a great movie, but the ending was highly disappointing. He squeezed his eyes more shut, trying to block out the memories. How he had managed to finish his job today was beyond him. Every time he turned, he expected to see her face smiling at him, every time he looked up he imagined her lips touching his again.

That day, when he'd visited her seminar, and talked to her afterwards, at Starbucks, he'd known he wanted to be a CSI for sure. Not because of the story she told. Not even because of her appearance. But because of the way she talked, the soothing effect it had on him. How comfortable and respected she made him feel, a feeling that wasn't too familiar in his childhood. True, he couldn't deny that he was attracted to her; the entire class had been attracted to her. But he was twenty-three, what chance did he have? She was probably married, had a kid or two running through the living room.

When he joined CSI, after merely a year of patrol experience, he found out that the scenario he'd made up wasn't even close to reality. She told him she was single, and childless, and from the gossiping lab techs he found out that her reputation with men was bluntly horrible. He witnessed her get hurt by John Hagen, Peter Elliot, Jake Berkely, and even Eric. The conclusion was easily made: no matter how good it could be for her, Calleigh just didn't fall for types like Ryan.

What kind of type was he, anyway? In high school, he painfully remembered, he'd been a nobody. A ghost, a wallflower, someone girls turned to only when they couldn't make their science assignment. In college it had been somewhat better, because everyone in his class was a chemistry nerd, so he didn't pop out much. But by then his OCD had really started to play up, again making him fall somewhat, if even a little, outside the group. Therapy and medication should clear that up, so when he passed his finals and got allowed into patrol academy, he was sure it was going to be okay. He even took on a side-study in genetics, because he wanted to go into CSI with the knowledge he needed. He wanted to do right, wanted to prove himself.

Little did he know, his over-confidence led him to make rookie mistakes, exactly the ones he'd been trying to avoid. He had been chewed up and spit out by Delko, scrutinized by Stetler and worse, he'd been yelled at by Calleigh. In the end, she'd always talked to him about it, normally, calmly, but in the spur of the moment, she'd explode, letting him know just what it was she thought about his actions. The family she'd talked about, he missed. There was a family, very clearly. Horatio and Alexx as 'parents', proudly and protectively about their 'children', Calleigh, Eric, even the lab techs Valera, and later Natalia, were accepted graciously. It was one big family, and he was the black sheep. He didn't fit in.

During his second year he grew so much closer to everyone, to Calleigh, as they started having those after-shift drinks where they'd just talk, and even to Eric, who stepped up to the plate after he'd been shot with that nail gun. No matter how painful and gruesome the accident had been, somewhere he was grateful for it. He felt like, through almost losing him, they had realized that they weren't exactly warm towards him, and they changed that attitude immediately. When he uncovered Natalia as the mole, he thought he'd be carried on hands, but it didn't go like that. Natalia was promoted to level one CSI, coming equal with him. He hadn't understood. He'd been furious. After all the work he'd done to climb to the position he held now, she'd just been lifted there.

This new attitude didn't do him much good, in fact, it had gotten him fired. When he saw no other escape he'd given into gambling, and… let's just say it wasn't his smartest move ever. Besides losing his job, he lost the little bit of family relationship he'd had with the team. He didn't see any of them anymore, safe for Natalia, who was practicing for her firearms proficiency at the gun range he worked at. Horatio contacted him for a little side-job once, and he had seen Calleigh twice. Once as he worked at the TV-station where she came to contact him, and once when that little side-job had gotten him to be a piece of evidence in their case. Even after he got rehired they hadn't had much contact. But they were working together again, and that was step one for him.

And then this happens.

After years of lusting after her, falling more and more in love with her every day; finally she kissed him, making him feel like his efforts had not been for nothing. He'd worn his heart on his sleeve, offering it to her on a silver platter, and instead she had it returned to the kitchen. He briefly wondered if it was him, that made her take a step back, or that she'd have done this with every guy that would've kissed her.

He wanted to believe it was nothing personal, but couldn't help but think that if it had been Eric kissing her, she would've taken the plunge. He groaned inwardly. The jealousy that he hadn't felt when Eric had hugged Calleigh on the steps of the lab earlier today was coming out now, when he was supposed to sleep, supposed to forget.

So, his type? Still a nobody. Still that boy you only contact when you need something from him, not just for fun, not just for a chat. Certainly not for a romantic relationship. Certainly not for love. He didn't know why people thought he wasn't able to give love, didn't know why she didn't dare to take the risk with him. Maybe he was wrong in thinking that she just didn't want to get hurt, maybe she just didn't want to be with him, but didn't know how to tell him nicely.

He was going insane, and it was not only ridiculous, but also discouraging. He was only hurting himself with this. He was holding onto the possibility that she would realize exactly what their kiss had meant to him, and even more that she felt the same way. He knew running was her way of dealing, that denying meant less hurt for her. But then again she hadn't denied, not fully. She did say that, whatever it was happened, had meant something to her. She just didn't know what. That didn't necessarily mean that she didn't return his feelings, did it?

She hadn't exactly jumped at the possibility, but she hadn't turned him down completely, hadn't crushed his hope. If she saw nothing in a relationship between the two of them, he at least hoped she'd have the heart to directly tell him, that she wouldn't leave him hanging on an invisible thread.

But no, if she saw nothing, nothing at all, in a relationship with him, then why would she have kissed him in the locker room a second time? If she regretted kissing him, if she wasn't happy with how things went, then surely she wouldn't have kissed him again, right? It could hardly be called a kiss, because it had been so short he almost didn't recognize it as such, she'd almost completely pulled away again when he leaned forward, keeping his lips on hers, stretching the kiss. He thought it must have been that part that Alexx described as 'not meaningless'. And she was right, if he'd been given the chance, he would've grabbed her in his arms, and kissed her back passionately, no matter who could or would walk in.

Calleigh hadn't given him the chance though, for she had been the one walking out on them. And he'd wanted to go after her, but if he had, he wouldn't have known what to say. Knowing him, he'd probably have made things harder.

He just didn't know what to think. Should he be hopeful, was she going to realize what she felt and would it be positive? Would he ever feel her lips on his again, would he ever get to hold her close? Or would she decide that this wasn't what she wanted, and would she decline, ignore, and forget everything that happened between them?

So many questions were going through his mind, questions only she could answer for him. He sighed, the lull of his breathing finally being broken. His eyes snapped open. What was he gonna do if she didn't want him? If this had indeed been the last time they had kissed? Would he be able to live with that? Being around her at work every day, forever be distracted because he could feel her lips on his, yet knowing that it would always stay with imagining?

He got out of bed and walked into his kitchen. Sleep wasn't gonna come for him anytime soon. He opened his fridge, the little light blinding him, because the rest of his surroundings were dark. Grabbing a bottle of water, he leaned on his counter, taking a sip. He let out an amused laugh. He wasn't even drowning his sorrows in beer, no, he was drinking mineral water. Hardly a way to forget the problems on his mind; even just for a little while. But if he'd allow himself to have a beer, because he did have them in his fridge, it wouldn't stop at one. And going into work tomorrow with a hangover was the last thing he needed.

He took another sip of his water, suddenly feeling quite self-pitied and pathetic. If he wasn't able to sleep after a day like this, then how was he ever going to sleep when she turned him down, or worse, if she didn't turn him down, if they'd get together, and then get into a fight?

No. He couldn't think like this. Couldn't, and shouldn't. It wasn't going to help his situation, wouldn't make him feel better, and most of all, it would keep him awake. He placed his bottle back in the fridge and walked back towards his bedroom.

The best thing for him to do was go back to bed, block out the memories, and sleep. Wake up in the morning, and go to work, trying as much as he could to avoid Calleigh. He put in a silent prayer not to be paired up with her tomorrow. He could play this well. He could get through this if he just didn't have to see her too much, and if he had enough things on his mind to distract it from her.

Determined to make it through this, he crawled underneath his blankets and pulled them up. He rolled onto his side, the bright green digits on his alarm clock reading 01:16. He would sleep, and start tomorrow with a different introspective. He could deal with this. He could get through this.

Fanfiction.net link: All I know is when you find it, even earth can feel like you're in heaven.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:46:23 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (5/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: He was never much of a pretender, especially not in front of her.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Take Your Sweet Time
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

It isn't a crime to want
A little space to breathe
But you will be fine
The sun again will shine on you
Whatever you do
Take your sweet, sweet time
I will be here when you change your mind
Take your sweet, sweet time
I will be here for you baby
Anytime

Ryan always chose his clothes for the upcoming day the night before. He made sure that what he picked was comfortable, because he had to work in it all day, but also clean and stylish, because in the end he did represent the city, and first impression was everything. But right now, slipping into the white lab coat with his name stitched onto it, he knew that was what he preferred to wear.

His style had subtly changed over the years. His new and a bit too extreme spiky hair and tight t-shirts had evolved from his slightly put up hair and his so-called Miami Vice jackets, which had in their turn outdated his long hair and sweater vests. Some days he actually missed his innocent newbie fresh-out-of-college look.

The one thing that would never change was his love for lab coats. As insecure as he was about his appearance, whenever he wore a lab coat he knew he looked like he wanted to look: like a scientist. Everyone in the lab looked like that, so he didn't stand out in any way, and it made him feel at home, in his right place.

Alexx pushed the glass door opened and made sure it closed properly before entering the room, standing on the other side of the table. She put her hands on it and leaned forward slightly.

"Hi Alexx. What brings you up here?"
"Your love life does, baby boy."
"My love…uh…do we need to get into this right now?" Ryan asked, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.
"Yes we do. Look, you know I don't like meddling with your personal life…"

Ryan grinned. He knew damn well that Alexx loved to meddle in his personal life. Even though her intentions were good, it could irritate him to no end sometimes.

"…I think it's important right now."
"And getting into this after work, or just…never, is out of the question?"
"Ryan…"
"Alright, alright! But if I get scowled for not working, I am putting the blame on you." Ryan smirked to hide his insecurity on what was coming.

"You can continue working, I'll talk."

Nodding, Ryan started to work on the fiber he had found the previous day. Getting it ready to be examined under the microscope, his ears focused on Alexx as she began to speak.

"I didn't mean to, but I saw you and Calleigh in the locker room yesterday."

The preparation Ryan had been holding shattered to the floor and he quickly kneeled to collect the shards. "Oh," was all his timid shaking voice could form.

"And don't worry, I haven't, nor will I tell anyone about it. I'm just surprised that you haven't told me about…well, you."
"There's no us." Ryan was quick to spill. "Or at least I don't think so."
"Oh boy, you went down that road."

He stood up and started over with his preparation of the fiber, disposing the remainders of the old one down the container. He didn't answer her yet. Usually his mouth spoke before he'd had the chance to ponder what he was going to say, but this time he didn't want to say anything to compromise whatever it was him and Calleigh had.

"I don't know what it is we have, Alexx. I don't think she knows either. There's just been a change that we haven't been able to talk about."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Honestly Alexx, nothing personal, but I really want to talk about it with her before I talk to anyone else. Just to make sure I tell the right story."
"I understand." She replied, and he knew that she was trying to cover the fact that she was slightly hurt.
"I promise, as soon as I find out exactly what's going on, you'll be the first…or well, that would make you the second, person to know." He grinned, strengthening his words.
"Okay baby. I'll be patient. But be careful. You know Stetler is keeping an eye or two on every one of us."
"I do know, and I agree that the locker room wasn't the most ideal place to…well it just wasn't the right place."
"I have to say that what I saw yesterday, quick as it was, didn't look meaningless."
"It wasn't Alexx. Not to me."
"Make sure you talk to Calleigh soon."

"That can be arranged."

Ryan, who had been keeping his eyes on his hands and the table the entire time he talked to Alexx, raised his head to the sound of that voice. Behind Alexx, Calleigh's blond hair appeared. Ryan's breath caught in his throat.

Alexx had a disapproving look on her face, and was about to comment on how eavesdropping wasn't very mature, when she decided that she wasn't going to pry into this.

"I have lunch break now. Do you want to join me?"

Calleigh looked straight past Alexx and Ryan nodded. He again realized that he hadn't worked at all this morning, and promised himself that this afternoon he would work twice as hard to make up for the missed time.

Alexx watched as Ryan walked around the table and followed Calleigh out of the lab without another word or glance in her direction. Shaking her head she turned and went back to the morgue.

When Ryan stepped out of the building, he thought that's where they were going to stop, but instead Calleigh kept walking, and he kept following. Eventually, a good amount of feet away from the crime lab, Calleigh came to a halt.

"I could start by telling you that I didn't hear you talking to Alexx, but that would be lying, and that would only make this more difficult. So I heard what you said to Alexx, and I agree. I don't know what it is we have, but I agree that 'it', whatever it may be, is not meaningless. Not to you, and not to me, either."

She turned around and faced him. He stared her right in the eye and waited for her to continue, because he didn't know what to say, and even if he did, his heart was beating so fast in his throat that he didn't think he would get the words over his lips.

"I care about you a lot, Ryan. I just think…I just think that maybe we took it a step too soon."
Ryan swallowed. "What are you saying?" His voice sounded raspy and stutterish, nothing like him.
"I'm saying that I think we can't see the difference between what we feel and what we want to feel right now. When we kissed I felt something, I just can't pinpoint exactly what it is I felt. And I need to find out what it was before I can go any further."
"Can't we…I mean wouldn't it be more logical to find out together?"
Calleigh smiled. "Maybe to you, it would seem more logical, but I need time to think. And in that time, I can't be around you. I'm not going to avoid you, but I need you to…just continue the way we did a week ago."
"I don't follow."
"You're my best friend, and I've always known that there was a chance that one day we'd take this step. But I never thought about what I would do if that happened, and I need to do that now. I know any other person would just dive in and see what will happen, but I can't do that. Do you understand?"

Ryan swallowed hard, trying to keep his emotions in check. If Calleigh wanted to deny the spark that had lighted the fire in his heart when she'd kissed him, then he didn't want to admit to her that was what happened. He wanted to pretend that it didn't matter that she wanted to ignore it, that her kiss hadn't excited him in the least, that her words had only reflected his own feelings. He really tried.

He didn't think it worked really well, though.

"Yeah, I understand. It's fine."

Calleigh looked at the ground and smiled. Ryan could never hide things from her, and in that spirit she knew exactly what he was thinking right now, but she smiled it off and ignored the tug on her heart she felt.

"Good. We'd better get back to work then; we're stretching this lunch break a little too much."
"Yeah, you're right. I'll see you later."

Ryan walked back inside without another look back to Calleigh. He went straight to the lab he had been working in, didn't talk to anyone. He opened the lab, got back behind the table, and immediately started working on what he should have done this morning already. He tried to blank his mind, and just work, just get this done.

He nearly succeeded.

And then she slipped into his mind again.

Fanfiction.net link: I'm feeling you pull away, but letting go isn't easy for me.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 18:03:58 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (4/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: Pushing people away was the only solution she knew to her doubts.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Just Go
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

Taking a look at these photographs
Fighting my tears I try to relax
'Cause you came
and you left
and it all went by so fast
Just go
I gave you my word
and I promised to love you

He felt like the entire world had been turned upside down, but he wasn't falling off. Although he didn't think he could remember his own name at the time, a lot of things were running through his mind.

Firstly, her lips. They were so soft, and they tasted sweet, somewhat like raspberry. He smiled inwardly, thinking it was just like her to wear lipstick with a fruity taste. He'd always been slightly fascinated by her lips, couldn't help sometimes but look at them as she spoke, as they curled up into that sweet smile he loved. Of course he'd wondered what they tasted like, and he had to say he was pleasantly surprised. He'd never be able to look at a raspberry the same way again. She could work miracles with her lips, he had to admit. He'd expected it though. Never thought he'd ever be proven right, but he'd expected it.

The familiarity of her body in his arms stroke him as odd. Apart from when he'd carried her through the glades the day before, he'd never really held her, let alone intimately, but it felt so natural, so right. Before this, their only physical contact had been a touch of their fingers as they passed on evidence, a comforting hand on a shoulder after a tough shift. Never in this way. But it felt like they'd been doing it forever.

They pulled back slowly and Ryan could only stop himself from leaning back in again by looking at her. Her eyes were still closed and her lips were moist. Her hair was hanging loosely over her shoulders, the way he liked it most. He ran his fingers through her golden locks. His heart soared, she was so beautiful. Her eyes opened, the emerald green sparkling, but looking sad.

"Cal…"

She placed a finger on his lips. His eyes widened in surprise.

"Please, let's not make over-hasted decisions. Things have changed, I know, I can't deny that. But let's think about it, rationally, before we start throwing words around."

Her finger was slowly retreated and a feeling of confusion overwhelmed him. He didn't understand whether she was blowing him off or telling him she needed more time. He did understand that she was afraid to get hurt again, she didn't want him to make her promises he couldn't live up to. Before he could react in any way, she had gotten out of his car, walking towards the lab.

She met up with Eric on the stairway and they hugged, giving Eric the chance to tell her how happy he was that she was okay, too. Ryan prepared himself for the jealous shock that was about to overcome him, like it did whenever Eric would touch her or talk to her too intimately. But it didn't come. He didn't feel any jealousy, no hatred towards Eric for hugging Calleigh. And he knew why.

He opened the driver's side door and walked, long after Eric and Calleigh had entered the lab, across the parking lot, across the street, onto the steps and into the lab. Horatio passed by him but didn't speak. Ryan knew his assignment for today. Continue the case. The knife had been collected, not by Calleigh, but by Eric, and he knew Eric would see it as his personal task to observe it, and run all the necessary tests on it. Ryan was never going to get his hands on it.

But there was more to do, they had other evidence. And so Ryan retreated himself into the evidence locker, spending his morning hanging up crime scene photos, reading autopsy reports, spreading out clothing on the table and examining it closely with a magnifying glass. Tweezers picked up fibres, swabs collected stains and Ryan's mind was occupied with the taste of her lips. Raspberry.

When it was time for lunch he realized that he had done way too little for the amount of time he'd spend in the room. Disappointed in himself, he locked the door and left, walking outside. The gentle breeze allowed him to think lucidly.

"Please, let's not make over hasted decisions. Things have changed, I know, I can't deny that. But let's think about it, rationally, before we start throwing words around."

Throw words around. What did she mean? What was he going to say before she stopped him, her finger firmly on his lips, forbidding him to speak his mind? I love you. He was going to say I love you and she knew, she'd seen it coming. Yet she stopped him. Why? Didn't she want to be loved? Throw words around…

And then he knew. She didn't want him to say those words; because she was afraid he didn't mean them. Afraid that she might believe in them and end up broken, and alone. She didn't think badly of him, she didn't think that he'd ever hurt her, but even though her heart screamed yes, her mind told her no. And Calleigh never let her heart win. Because the few times that she had, she had gotten hurt.

Calleigh sighed and crossed her arms as she stood watching Ryan from a window on the third floor. She didn't know how to feel. When Ryan had grabbed her hand she had in some way felt driven into a corner, but it wasn't fair to say that he forced himself on her. She had leaned in too, she had held him too. She had kissed him back. She leaned her head against the cold glass. How does someone make a decision that could hurt you no matter which of the options you chose?

Her lips trembling, Calleigh stood watching him until he walked back inside, totally oblivious to the observation he had undergone while consuming his lunch. Calleigh pulled back from the window and turned around; resuming the administrative work she'd been working on all morning.

All day they were separated, all day they avoided each other. Not consciously, but they somehow managed to leave a lab before the other would enter, and never were they paged for lab results at the same time. It was a blessing, since this way they had time to think, and they didn't have to have an awkward forced conversation they weren't ready for. But of course, the inevitable would never let the day end in such bliss for them. They clocked out shortly after each other and through that found each other in the locker room, collecting their things.

Calleigh had already been inside when Ryan entered. He licked his lips uncomfortably and walked to his locker, a couple of doors to the right of hers. He opened it, the door forming a barrier between him and her. He took a deep breath.

"I didn't see you anymore today."
"No…I was in ballistics most of the time. Just getting rid of the things I procrastinated, you know?"

He knew. That she was lying. Calleigh didn't procrastinate, ever.

"Hm hmm." He closed his locker, immediately feeling the barrier disappear, her emotions being transferred to him through the thin air. She was leaning sideward against her locker, her purse around her shoulder, ready to go, but she was looking at him.

"Cal, listen…we should talk."
"I know. I'm just really tired right now, so today isn't a good time. The venom was in my system long enough to have some effect on me. Don't worry, I'm okay," she said after seeing his face grow concerned, "just worn out."
"Do you need me to drive you home?"
"No, I'll be alright. I promise."

Ryan stepped towards her, somewhat expecting her to flinch. But she didn't. She remained standing in her place, no matter how much he closed in. She looked at him, and suddenly tiptoed.

She'd pulled back before he could wrap his arms around her, and he could only kiss her back as their lips were already separating. It was a short, gentle kiss and he assumed that it was her way of showing that she was thinking about it, and that, if anything, she at least didn't regret their earlier actions.

Again she was gone before his brain had registered what happened. He turned around and saw the door close, her blond hair swinging through the hallway. He sighed, waited a minute, and then walked out the same door, his heart racing a mile a minute.

He was unaware of the figure standing behind him. Alexx's eyes turned back to their normal size. She blinked slowly, trying to place what she had just witnessed. Calleigh kissing anyone at work was one reason to doubt your mind, but Calleigh kissing Ryan at work was as good as impossible. She knew she wasn't the youngest anymore, but Alexx was sure that what she had just seen was real. And she knew that if this would be continuing, both parties would need an outlet, and she was going to offer to be it.

From the beginning she had noticed Ryan's lovesick puppy looks in Calleigh's direction, and in time she'd seen her smile grow when she was around him, their subtle touches and their hidden glances, their simultaneous grins and their loose appearance around each other. Alexx knew that when in doubt, Ryan turned to Calleigh, and in melancholy, Calleigh turned to Ryan. They held each other upright in their world of death and sorrow. But no one, including Alexx, would have ever thought that they might give into their true feelings.

And she had to admit that she was somewhat worried about her colleagues, her friends. She wanted both of them to be happy more than anything, but she was afraid that neither of them could coherently understand the consequences of their action. They did, after all, work together, and dating a co-worker was strictly against policy. She knew that if they wanted to, they'd be perfectly capable of being discrete about whatever it was they had, but a spontaneous thing as she just witnessed should never happen again. The chance of someone walking in and reporting them was too big.

And if that moved Stetler to break up their team, Alexx knew that neither Ryan nor Calleigh would ever forgive themselves for that.

She made her way back down to the morgue. She'd passed the locker room on her way back from explaining results to Horatio, and was glad now that he hadn't followed her. One of her coroner's assistants was just loading a body into the funeral home's van. Another one leaving her office to find eternal rest.

Calleigh parked her car in front of her home and got out, getting into her apartment as quickly as she could. When she was inside, she threw everything aside, didn't bother to pay attention to the blinking light on her answering machine, she just walked straight into her bedroom, lay down on her bed, and grabbed the photo frame off of her nightstand.

It was a picture of her and Ryan, both crouched down to the ground, him holding a piece of evidence, her holding her flashlight, and smiling to each other sweetly. They'd been investigating a case in a photo studio, and one of the students had shot the picture at the exact right moment. When they closed the case, she had offered the picture to Calleigh. She didn't think Ryan had ever seen it. It had been on her nightstand ever since, just because it made her smile in the mornings and sleep peacefully in the nights.

She stared at it, lying on her bed, as thousands of things shot through her mind. The goods, the bads, the rights, the wrongs. The next morning she would find herself waking up, her clothes shriveled and a crack in the glass covering her memory of Ryan.

Fanfiction.net link: You can't walk back in my life, forgot what it's like to be satisfied.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 10:30:10 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (3/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: Even though she was the one that survived, he hadn't ever felt so alive before.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Because You Live
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.
The song used in this chapter must be like, my ultimate CaRWash song. Or well, it's close. I suggest you look it up on YouTube if you don't know it.

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer
Somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

Ryan stood in Calleigh's hospital room. She was sound asleep behind him, he had watched her chest move up and down for a while, but now turned to look out the window. He couldn't believe she was alive. He had carried her through half the Everglades, let her cry on his shoulder, and held her hand -her good hand- as the doctor gave her the serum to fight the poison the snake had inflicted in her. Now she had fallen asleep peacefully and it was only then he felt like he could breathe again. Yet he hadn't left her side. Horatio had told him not to return to work again today, and that he deserved his rest too. Ryan felt like he had earned more of Horatio's respect by putting Calleigh's safety so high on his priority list, and he couldn't say he minded.

Outside sundown was starting to set in, and rain was clouding the view through the window. Raindrops leaked down like tears had down Calleigh's cheeks before, onto his arm. He sighed. Somewhere he felt like it should have been him, that he should've been bitten. But on the other hand he knew that she would never have been able to get him towards the road, slimming his chances on survival. No, the way it happened was the right way. Of course, it would've been better if it hadn't happened at all, but she was safe, and that was all that mattered to him.

When she just got bitten, he had worked on instinct, get her away from the snake before it strikes again, yet checking what kind of snake it was. He didn't even think about that, he just did it. Then the rest of his actions had been carefully thought through, and even though he was still afraid that making her walk had harmed her, the doctor had assured her she was going to be alright, the antidote had been given in time. He placed his hand on the window, not happy with the rain. He would have to walk home, since his Hummer was still standing on that road in the Everglades, and his own car was in the parking lot in front of the lab. He wasn't thinking about leaving yet, though. Because of the rain, and because he wanted to be one-hundred percent sure that Calleigh would be okay. Doctors could tell him all they wanted, he wouldn't be reassured until Calleigh herself told him she was feeling good.

He couldn't quite put his finger on the feeling he was having. He was happy, really happy that he had gotten Calleigh to the helicopter. He would've died inside too, if she hadn't made it today. He imagined her dying in his arms and shuddered. No, she couldn't ever die. He could never let that happen. Not when he was there. But why, why was he so protective of her? She was older and more experienced than he was, surely she could protect herself. Maybe not from a snake, but otherwise she could. Would he still be standing in this room if Eric was behind him in the bed? Natalia? If he was totally honest, he'd have to say that with Eric he probably wouldn't have gotten on the helicopter in the first place, and with Natalia he would've let someone drive him home, instead of staying in the hospital. But things weren't the same with Eric or Natalia as they were with Calleigh.

Calleigh was his best friend, his older sister, his private psychiatrist, his listening ear. When he got hired on the spot by Horatio he had been so happy, until he found out that his first case would include figuring out whether Calleigh's father had murdered someone or not. She didn't recognize him, and while it hurt him, he understood. But he had, in fact, recognized her. And thinking of putting her father in jail made him sick to his stomach. He'd felt like dancing through the room when he proved her father innocent. An alcoholic, dense, but innocent. And then he got to work with her. He was a CSI, and he was working with her. She might not have remembered him, but he remembered her, and he remembered thanking God on his bare knees that night.

"Thank you for saving her." He said softly as he stared into the ever darkening night sky.

Out of his sight, behind him, Calleigh was lying with her eyes closed, chest going up and down steadily, and pretending very well to be asleep. She had been, until a couple of minutes ago. Her body was still slightly worn down and she lay quietly, thinking that even though her pain medication might still be working, she was feeling a whole lot better than before. And she knew who to thank for that. Not the doctors, who had indeed given her the antidote, not the helicopter paramedics, who gave her something for the pain, but Ryan, who had saved her. There was nothing else she could think of it. He just saved her.

And as she heard him say those words out loud, she knew he was just as appreciative for that as she was. It must have been scary for him. Your colleague, your partner, suddenly bitten by a snake and quickly getting worse, weak, and unable to help herself. She hated to feel dependant, but in Ryan's arms she hadn't. She had felt…she didn't know how it had felt. Good. Definitely good. Not vulnerable either. She couldn't place her finger on it. All she knew is that she hadn't minded feeling like that, even if she wasn't as happy with the cause of those feelings: the snakebite.

"Thank you for saving her."

Her eyes fluttered open. "Why are you thanking Him for that? You're the one that rescued me."

Ryan turned around and a smile appeared on his face. He walked over to her bed and slowly sat down on the edge of it.

"It wasn't all me. You hung in there, helping me a lot."
"You made me hang on."
"Let's just say we did it together."
"Deal."

Calleigh extended her hand and Ryan took it. Shaking hands they silently agreed not to mention it anymore. Calleigh lay her hand down and when Ryan wanted to pull his hand back, she held on. He reached out with his other hand instead, and felt her forehead.

"Much better."
"I feel much better."
"I'm glad."
"Yeah, definitely."

They fell into a comfortable silence for a while. Ryan was looking at the sheets, deep in thought. Calleigh was looking at him, and while he probably felt or knew that, he wasn't looking up or making any comment about it.

"Wanna talk about it?" He suddenly asked.
"What do you mean?"
"You got bitten by a snake. Do you want to tell me about it?"
"You were there!" Calleigh said, confused.
"I know that. I meant how you feel." He looked up into her eyes. "Surely it must've made an impact on you."
"I feel blessed to have had someone with me, to help me. Furthermore I'm fine."
"Not scared?"
"I grew up in Louisiana. If I had to name all the snakes that live there, we'd still be sitting here tomorrow."
"But you've never been bitten. You didn't react like you had."
"I was fortunate. I can't even remember the amount of times I heard a rattle somewhere in the field we played. I saw a boy get bitten once, and I ran. I was such a coward."
"Was that why you cried?"
"No. I cried because I felt stupid for letting myself get bitten."
"Well it's not like you wanted to, or dared the snake."
"I know that. I just…it felt wrong to put such a heavy task on you."
"If there's one thing you're not, it's heavy." He joked.

He gave a gentle tug on her hand and she sat up, wrapping her arms around his neck. He put his hands on her upper back and held her close. They allowed themselves a moment of comfort, a moment of relief, a moment of unconditional and inconsequent intimacy.

Calleigh was kept in the hospital overnight for observation, and was discharged the next morning. She walked out of her room to see Ryan leaning casually against the wall just around her door. She shook her head, smiling.

"I should've known."
"Well, your car is at work, and taxis are so expensive these days." Ryan grinned, uncrossing his arms and pushing himself away from the wall.
"Not when you have a personal taxi, like I obviously do." Calleigh smiled and started walking down the hall, with Ryan following her.
"I'll drive you home and then take the speedway to the lab."
"Drive me home? I'm going to work."
"What, you're not gonna take up a couple off days?" Ryan asked bewildered.
"No. Ballistics files will pile up if I do, and there's nothing wrong with me. I'm going to work. Did anyone go back to recover that knife?"
"Delko did, with a friend. A snake expert, for safety. Are you sure you want to go back to work already?"
"Clever."

Ryan sighed, fully aware of the fact that she'd ignored his question. He decided to drop the topic. If she didn't want to take a day off, he wasn't going to force her to. He knew she was fully able to take care of herself and make her own decisions. He was merely worried about her. After the observation night he knew she was okay physically, but he just couldn't believe that an event like yesterdays didn't leave any mental scars on her.

They got out of the hospital and Calleigh stood still, her hair waving in the morning breeze. The last bit of color seeped back into her face, and the sparkles in her eyes were re-lightened. It was like standing outside, feeling the real world again, made her believe that she was okay again, that she was still alive. She didn't smile, but she wrapped her arms around herself and she looked peaceful. The horn of a car pulled her out of her daydream rather harshly. She thought it was Ryan and turned her head, but he was standing off the side, watching her with his hands in his pockets. It had just been a passer-by honking.

"Let's go." She said, and then walked towards his car. "I thought it was at work?"
"It was. I walked to it yesterday when I left the hospital. Easier for today."

Calleigh nodded and took a last deep breathe before opening the passenger's side door and getting in. Ryan got in on the driver's side and started the car. They drove to the lab in silence, but it was comfortable silence. A silence that didn't come across as awkward and unwanted, just one of those silences that made you feel safe, and calm.

Ryan parked the car away from the lab, knowing that it would most likely be full in front of the MDPD building. He got a glimpse of Calleigh's hand as she reached out to open the door, but he couldn't be sure… He grabbed her wrist and softly pulled it towards him, turning her hand so he could see. And he had been right. The two red punctuation marks were still visible on her hand. He ran his thumb over them and looked up into her eyes.

He leaned in, only an inch, barely noticeable, but she saw. Her lips trembled and she parted them slightly, leaning an inch towards him as well. Ryan pulled her hand a little to make her body turn towards him and leaned in a couple more inches himself. Her turn again, Calleigh bent forward, their faces only separated by the last few bricks of the invisible wall they had built up around them the past years. Ryan felt her breath on his lips, once, twice, thrice…

And then their lips were touching. Calleigh lifted her arms and wrapped them around his neck, making Ryan's hand slid up her arm until he placed his hands on her back and pulled her closer. Lips now covering each other they kissed. They were kissing.

Calleigh had always thought that, because of his age, Ryan would kiss a little inexperienced, a little clumsy. But it was quite the opposite. He kissed like a pro. It was gentle, yet passionate…it was magnificent. They pulled away and gasped for breath and immediately their lips crashed together again. Mouths opened and tongues came out to play, a moan escaped one of them and it fueled their desire more. Ryan moved one hand to cup her cheek and she tightened her arms around his neck.

And they both knew that during the time they had known each other, from the day she had given the seminar until yesterday, the day where he had saved her life, even until the moment they had hugged in her hospital room, none of them would have thought, or even dreamed, that they would be kissing in his car one day.

FF.net link: I've been looking for the answer, somewhere. I couldn't see that it was right there, but now I know what I didn't know.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 10:24:43 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (2/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier. (CaRWash)
Chapter summary: The best way to realize what a person means to you is either almost losing them, or having them save your life.
Spoilers: None.
Song: Jesse McCartney - That Was Then
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.
This chapter takes place 5 years after the first, putting it after season 6 on the show.

Guess you never really know just what you've got
'Till you finally realize she could be gone
I know that I've been taking you for granted
For the longest time
All you wanted was someone who really cares
And I didn't even notice you were there
I promise that I'll never ever make that same mistake
Not twice

5 years later…

Calleigh Duquesne was one of little women who did not mind standing ankle-high in muddy, grassy soil. It was not her favorite way to spend her time, but now she actually was standing ankle-high in muddy, grassy soil, she was finding that she quite enjoyed it. At least it was calm and quiet here, instead of the usual Miami chaos. She had been teamed up with Ryan to find the murder weapon in their latest case. Unfortunately their victim had been killed in the everglades, and finding anything at all there was quite a hard task. In fact, even walking there at all was a hard task.

"Give me a hand, would you Ryan?" Calleigh called.

Ryan turned back and offered her his hand, which she thankfully took to pull herself out of the latest mud pit she'd stepped in.

"Got it?" Ryan asked, grabbing her other hand and giving a gentle pull. She stumbled forwards and he kept her up straight. She let go of his hands and tightened her ponytail.
"Yeah I'm good, thanks. This is definitely not a place I'd want to be walking on my own."
"I'll slow down my pace, I'm sorry."
"It's alright. I'm keeping up." She smiled at him as they started walking again.

They had gotten clear instructions before they were allowed to leave. Stay together at all times. No splitting up. Keep the walky-talky with you at all times. Immediately call if something even seems to be off.

"Stay clear of the water Cal, I see alligators."
"I thought you knew how to handle them? You've wrestled one before." Calleigh teased.
"Very funny. I am not going to explain to Horatio how you were eaten by an alligator." He paused. "Nor would I ever want to experience it."
"Neither would I. I'll be fine. I'm not that close to the water."

They felt like they had been walking for hours, perhaps they even had been. Suddenly Calleigh stopped and grabbed Ryan's arm, making him stop too.

She pointed into the grass. "There, right there. Could that be our knife?"

Ryan squinted his eyes, feeling her hand still on his arm. "Could be, yeah."

Calleigh took a pair of latex gloves out of her pocket and put them on. She kneeled down and extended her hand to the shiny object she had spotted only seconds before.

The next couple of things happened in the blink of an eye.

Something moved in the high grass Calleigh was reaching into. She pulled her hand back quickly with a pained expression on her face and a shocked shriek. Ryan's eyes widened as he saw a snake hissing and gaping at Calleigh. It was grey with brownish crossbands and had dark brown post ocular stripes bordered by narrow light lines, as well as a pair of dark vertical stripes at the tip of the snout.

On his instinct he grabbed Calleigh around the waist and pulled her backwards. Pulling her to her feet he led her towards a nearby open field. She was unable to speak a word, the shock still evident on her face as she held her one hand with the other. Ryan made her sit down and kneeled in front of her. He gently took the hand she was holding and pulled the glove off of it. He swallowed as two distinctive red puncture marks could be seen on the back of her hand. She looked up at him, her lips slightly parted and the sparkles in her eyes fading.

"Agkistrodon piscivorus conanti." Ryan whispered.
"More commonly known as Florida cottonmouth." Calleigh whispered in reply, biting her lip as a look of pain crossed her face.
"I'm so sorry" Ryan said.
"Why?"
"I should've spotted that. I used to be a boys scout, I could spot snakes from a mile distance."
"Stop it Ryan. This is not your fault. You'd better call Horatio and get help. It's venomous."
"I know, I will. Just…" He put his hand on her wrist and pushed her arm down onto her lap. "…keep your hand below the level of your heart. It minimizes the blood flow back to your heart and other organs. Keep as still as possible."

Calleigh nodded as Ryan grabbed the walky-talky from his belt and put it on the channel connecting him with Horatio. "Horatio?" They heard a creaking noise but no voice. Just when they were afraid something had gone wrong with their connection, his answer finally came.

"You rang, Mister Wolfe?"
"Horatio, thank God. We have a problem. Calleigh's been bitten by a cottonmouth."
"The snake?" Horatio asked, obviously worried.
"Yes, a snake. We thought we saw the knife but the grass was too high to see anything except a shine."
"And she reached for it."
"With gloves on, but the bite went right through." Ryan confirmed.
"What's her status?"
"Alive, conscious and wishing she could chop her hand off." Calleigh said.
"Let's not do that, ma'am. I will make sure the hospital sends over a helicopter ASAP. Do you think you can get her to the open road, Wolfe?"
"We've gone quite far into the glades, but I can try to go that way."
"Do so. Calleigh, are you wearing your ring?"
"I am."
"Take it off. Your hand is going to swell and you do not want to cut off the blood stream."

Calleigh sighed and immediately pulled her ring off her finger, stuffing it into her pocket. Noticing her other hand was still gloved she wanted to remove it, but it didn't go well with her injured hand. Ryan used his hand that was not on the walky-talky to pull it off. She gave him a grateful look which he returned with a smile.

"I will be checking on you every fifteen minutes. If something happens or she loses consciousness, I want you to call me immediately, you get that Wolfe?" Horatio said.
"I do H."
"I trust you to stay with her."
"I wouldn't dream of leaving her." Ryan said firmly. Calleigh looked at him and knew he meant it. Reversed, she wouldn't even think about leaving him if he had been injured. They stood by each other and supported each other and helped each other. She winced as another shock of pain went through her hand. She hadn't noticed that Ryan had put the walky-talky back on his belt, but she did notice him putting her good arm around his shoulder and pulling her up.

They started to walk back in the direction they had come from and Calleigh spoke up:

"Shouldn't we get the knife? Or at least mark where it is?"
"You think I'm gonna stick my hand near that snake now?" Ryan joked. "No. I have an estimated guess of the location, and the most important thing right now is getting you to a hospital, not getting the knife."
"Ryan?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."

They walked into the direction of where they'd come from, but Calleigh was quickly getting worse. She was sweating more than normal, even for such a walk, and she looked pale. She was weak and walking didn't go easy on her at all. Ryan was supporting her the best he could, letting her lean on him for the most part, and he was going slowly. He knew she should actually be keeping still, but they had to get to the hospital one way or another.

"Stop." Calleigh's voice sounded weak, but he heard her and stopped walking, turning to her. He was taken aback when he saw how she looked. Her knees gave up on her and she collapsed to the ground, with Ryan quickly crouching too.
"Calleigh!"
"I think I'm gonna be sick."

As she suspected, she heaved only seconds after and started throwing up. Ryan sighed and pulled her disheveled ponytail loose, pulling her hair back and holding it behind her. Calleigh wiped her mouth with her uninjured hand and leaned sideways against Ryan.

"I don't think I can walk any more."
"It's alright. It was a stupid idea anyway. You should be moving as less as possible and I'm making you walk."
"You're getting me to the hospital. You're doing the right thing Ryan. I just feel so sick…"

Ryan brushed a strain of hair off her sweaty forehead and placed his hand on it. "You're burning up. God you're burning up."
"Maybe you should leave me here and get help. You can direct them towards me."

He moved his hand from her forehead to her cheek, stroking it softly.

"Didn't you hear what I said before? I would never ever leave you alone. Come on, we're getting to that road even if it's the last thing I do."
"Ryan, I want to, I really want to, but I just can't take another step."
"No problem."

Ryan put one arm under her kneecaps and one around her shoulders and lifted her effortlessly. She put her good arm around his neck and placed her bitten hand on her stomach.

"I can't believe you're doing this."
"I can't believe you'd think I wouldn't."

And he walked, with her in his arms. She was silent, except for a gasp every now and then. Her hand had swollen and she looked at it with disgust. Ryan noticed.

"It'll go back to normal Cal."
She let out a sarcastic laugh. "I bet it will. If I get help, that is."
"And what, pray tell, do you think it is that I'm doing?"
"Oh, Ryan, no, that's not what I meant. I'm really thankful for you being here. I'm just really frustrated with myself."

Her eyes started tearing up and a few lonely tears slid down her cheeks, one of them dying on Ryan's arm. He would've wiped them away but both of his hands were occupied by holding her. She hid her face in his shoulder and he felt his shirt getting wet. He rested his head against hers and tried to calm her with comforting words.

"Shh…you're going to be alright. I promise."

The walky-talky on his belt started making noise and he lowered Calleigh onto the ground, but allowing her to keep leaning against him, which she did.

"Wolfe."
"Horatio. It's only been fifteen minutes?"
"It has."
"You're kidding. I feel like we're two hours further than when I first called you."
"Fifteen minutes Mister Wolfe. How is Calleigh holding up?"
"Uh…a little less than before. She threw up and her temperature is rising."
"Is she moving too much?"
"I don't think so, not anymore. I'm carrying her now."

The other side of the line stayed quiet for a few seconds.

"You're carrying her?"
"Yes, is that a wrong thing to do?"
"I think…that's a very noble thing to do. A Miami County Hospital helicopter should be reaching the road within minutes."
"I think I actually see it in the distance, but I have no clue how far away from the road I am."
"You'll find out. Calleigh?"

Calleigh lifted her head from Ryan's chest and took a deep breath before answering. She could not prevent her voice from sounding shaky though.

"Present, Lieutenant."
"I'm glad to hear you still have the ability to joke with me."
"Always, Horatio."
"How are you feeling?"
"Not so good. I can't believe it's only been fifteen minutes either. I feel like I'm about to drop dead."
"I assure you we're not letting it get that far. You stick to Ryan and hang in there."
"Will do."

Their conversation was closed off and Calleigh noticed Ryan was staring at the walky-talky.

"What is it?"
"He called me Ryan."
"You must've made a real impression on him." Calleigh smiled as Ryan lifted her again and started walking once more. They saw the helicopter land in the distance. Calleigh looked at Ryan. He kept looking on but couldn't help but look back at her after a little.

"What is it?" He asked.
"You saved my life." She said. It wasn't sure, they hadn't reached the helicopter yet, nor the hospital, they didn't know if they would have all the necessary equipments, or the antidote, but she was certain, it was safe to say he saved her life.
He smiled at her. "You owe me."
"I definitely do."

They reached the helicopter and Ryan carefully put Calleigh down on a gurney which the paramedics loaded into the helicopter. "I'm riding." He said.
"As long as you don't get in the way." A female paramedic said.
"You can tell me exactly where to stand, but I am riding."

Once they were in the air, Calleigh was given something against the pain in holdout for the real antidote, and Ryan called Horatio to inform him they were on their way to the hospital. During the call he'd noticed there was something around his wrist, and realized it was the hair band he'd pulled from Calleigh's hair earlier. He took it in his hand and played with it as the paramedics worked quickly. He looked at Calleigh, who was lying with her eyes closed, and prayed to God that what he had done hadn't affected her badly in any way. He reached out with his hand, ran his fingers across her temple and through her hair. She opened her eyes and smiled weakly. She mouthed 'Thank you' before closing her eyes again, the smile remaining on her face.

FF.net link: All I wanna do is try again, show you how I know that it's all about giving attention to you.

Fic: Best Day Of My Life

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:47:12 GMT

Title: Best Day Of My Life (1/23)
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that might strike you as familiar.
Summary: That it had all started that one day, that was plain to see. But love has never been simple, and with her it certainly wouldn't get any easier.
Chapter summary: That one day, two strangers connect and one of them realizes that they'll never be able to break free again.
Spoilers: Using what was mentioned in 304 Legal.
Song: Jesse McCartney - What's Your Name?
A/N: My newest multichap, inspired entirely on Jesse McCartney's both current (3rd one's coming up) albums.

What's your name? What's your name?
Oh, I really wanna know
You got me going crazy
And I want you more and more
Oh, hey this could be something real
I gotta let you know the way I feel
What's your name? What's your name?
Oh, I really wanna know
'Cause every time I get there
but it's right before you go
Oh, hey if only you could see
I wanna get to know you
and to get you knowing me

He could still picture himself sitting in the front row for that forensic class. Evaluating Evidence by CSI C. Duquesne. He had his notebook open on his table, three different pens and a pencil aligned perfectly next to each other, his hands folded underneath his chin. He was waiting patiently yet eager for CSI C. Duquesne to enter the room and start the seminar he had been looking forward to all term. He was about to graduate from police academy, and although he was almost certain he wanted to be a CSI at some point, he really did need that one push over the edge. He had successfully finished his study chemistry but sitting in a lab all day doing tests was not what he wanted to spend his life doing. He loved doing tests, but he needed a change in his routine. He knew that if he would be put in a room, doing the same thing for a full day, for a full week, he'd go insane. It wasn't just the boredom that would get to him, but his mild case of OCD, as well. He needed variation during his day, or he would fall into a routine that he would not get out of by himself.

He stared into space, thinking about regular things like how he still needed to call his mother, and that he would go into town after the seminar, when CSI C. Duquesne entered the room. His eyes widened and his hands slipped away from underneath his chin. He heard gasps and whispers from the people behind him and chairs scraped over the floor as people leaned over to each other to talk or have better sight of the front of the room. With a shaking hand he grabbed a pen from his table and clicked it open, put the pen on the paper of his notebook and started writing. Single words in neat straight letters, each word followed by a curly question mark.

Christa? Christine? Charlotte? Caroline? Clarissa? Caitlyn?

"I see some of you are very eager to get started." Ryan looked up to see CSI C. Duquesne looking straight at him and smiling. He felt himself blushing and put his pen down, placing his hands on his table, one covering the other.

C. Duquesne was a woman. And a gorgeous one at that. She was wearing a pair of black jeans, fitting around her hips perfectly, and she was wearing a red halter top that looked absolutely stunning on her. Her hair was bond into a tight ponytail, which swayed playfully behind her head as she walked to the front of the class. And her voice…she clearly had an accent, southern would be his first guess, and it sounded harmonic and cheerful.

"I won't keep you in suspense any longer." Her attention shifted from him to the entire class and he almost felt disappointed.

"I'm CSI Duquesne and I'm here today to tell you a little something about my job. When I was asked to do this I immediately agreed because I love my job and I love to tell people about it. Everyone should keep this under consideration when they choose a job. It is something you are going to be doing for a long period of time, and knowing what you want is the key to choosing the right path in your future. Now you've all had the right education, when I look at you all I see a group of intelligent young persons who are without a doubt smart enough to make it through the final exams you are about to take. But it's not all about brains at CSI."

"Hell no, clearly it's about beauty as well." Someone called from the back of the class.

C. Duquesne laughed, a warm, happy, almost hypnotizing laugh. "No, no, it's not quite about beauty either, but thank you."

Ryan shifted in his seat. He knew he had just gotten that last push he needed as she walked through the door. He wanted to be a CSI. He wanted to be a CSI at Miami Dade. God, please get him through the exams.

"…you'll need to learn how the machines in the lab work, because you will be spending a large amount of time there. You of course go out into the field, but the lab testing mostly takes up a lot more time than interrogation. Which brings me to that last point. Interrogating is a skill, like any other job. You have to be serious; you need to be able to bluff."
"You need to have a huge cleavage." Someone on Ryan's left whispered. Ryan snickered but quickly composed as C. Duquesne continued.
"Obviously I could tell you a lot more about being a CSI, but maybe it's more useful if you come up with some serious questions you have that haven't been answered yet. Anyone?"

A girl to Ryan's right lifted her hand. "Yes, you, in the green top."

"Well, you're a female CSI. Is it harder for you than for men?"
"Good question. I don't think it has to be. It depends on your attitude. People quickly learn not to try and go over my head. Our team is really close and they treat me like any other person. When you spend so much time together you become like family. Plus, next to being a female CSI, I am also Miami Dade's ballistics expert, so people know not to piss me off." She smiled.

Ballistics expert. Ryan knew she'd have to own a gun, working at CSI, but not only did she own a gun, she was ballistics expert. He was even more intrigued by her than he had already been. Another finger went up.

"Yes?"
"Have you ever had to kill someone?"
"Unfortunately I'd have to say yes. I have shot several suspects who were about to commit another murder or had a hostage. It happens, and you have to be prepared for it. You need to be able to pull the trigger in situations like those, even if you know you can kill someone by doing it."

Ryan gathered his courage and lifted his hand.

"Yes, you up front."
"Is it a hard job to do? I mean emotionally?"
"It definitely can be. There are situations with victims that are so battered up that you don't even recognize their faces, or murderers so violent that your own life could be at risk. Hard cases will have their impact on you, as well as possibly failing to find or bring a killer to justice. I promise you that there will be times where you want to quit. We have a department psychiatrist that's specialized in cases like these, but also there'll always be colleagues and friends around that you can talk to. You need to talk if things are bothering you in this job or you will crop it all up inside until one day it's enough."
"And then what?" The boy on his left asked.
"I have seen people quit their jobs because of it. Some were mentally so unstable that they failed to have a normal life after. But this sounds like being a CSI is a doom scenario. It's really not, if you know how to deal with it. Are there any other questions?"

Everyone in the room looked around but there were no more raised hands. "Good, because I believe we've gone over time. Thank you all for your attention, and who knows, maybe I'll see you in the future."

As on cue, everyone stood up and gathered their things. Ryan quickly smashed everything into his bag, but bit his lip and took everything out again. He did it again, this time slower and more organized. He had wanted to hurry, but his OCD wouldn't let him. When he looked up, his heart jumped seeing C. Duquesne just walk out of the room, a file case pressed against her chest. He swung his bag around his shoulder and hurried towards the door. He looked down the hallway but saw it was too late, she was gone. He hadn't been able to ask her the question he had really wanted to ask.

Sighing he accepted his failure and went into the city like he had planned, at his own pace. Once there, his first stop was the book store. He bought a book about forensic science, intent on knowing everything before he applied. With that in his bag, his next stop was Starbucks. His studying years had left him with a caffeine addiction. Coffee was easy to take somewhere, woke him up, and even tasted good too. He made his order at the desk, one coffee to-go, and turned around to leave the store again when he noticed her.

CSI C. Duquesne was sitting at a table at Starbucks, drinking a cup of coffee. He swallowed and considered walking over to her when he was knocked to the side by a very aggravated man.

"Get out of the way, kid!"

He stumbled and fell against the wall, fighting to keep his foam cup up right. The last thing he needed right now was to spill coffee on himself, especially in front of her. He opened his mouth to call after the guy, but decided not to. He made a disapproving noise and shook his head at the man getting out of the store.

"Are you alright?"

He turned his head to see her standing next to him, her hand on his arm, pulling him upright. Her eyes were concerned, and a beautiful shade of dark green. He could look into them forever but broke eye contact, pulling his bag back over his shoulder, making her hand slip off his arm.

"Yeah I'm fine, thanks."
"Some people huh?"
"Yeah…"

She smiled at him and pointed in the direction of the table she had been sitting at. "I'm having a cup of coffee over there, wanna sit down and join me?"
"Uh…uh…"

I can't. Ryan thought. I have things to study, books to read, essays to write. I simply don't have time. On the other hand…I'm here now anyway.

"Sure." They walked over to her table and Ryan sat down opposite of where her cup was placed. He took a sip of his own coffee and looked at the table. He didn't dare to look at her.
"You seemed really interested at the seminar, earlier." She said.

His swallowed too quickly and coughed a couple of times, receiving another one of her concerned looks.

She remembered me.

"I was. I mean I am. I'm pretty sure I wanna be a CSI." He almost pushed the words over his lips.
"Are you afraid you can't handle it emotionally?"
"Sorry?" He raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Your question."
"Oh, right, of course. Not really, I think I can deal with it, but I just wanted to ask, to know what I can expect."
"You see the worst of people, that's for sure. Lies, betrayal, violence, threats…"
"Have you ever been threatened?"

She stirred with her spoon in her coffee and a sad look overtook her face. Ryan immediately regretted asking.

"Lots of times. It's just something that comes with the job. Not very pretty, but I learned to deal with it."
"Your life has been in danger, hasn't it?"

She looked up at him. "How did you guess?"
"Your sad look when I asked about the threats. It bet it doesn't always stay with threats."
"I have been held at gun point at times. Luckily it doesn't happen much."
"And…if they point a gun at you, are you really afraid you're gonna die, or do you think that it's going to work out?"
"There's always the fear. It doesn't go away, even if you're particularly sure that they won't really shoot you. We often wear vests in dangerous cases."
"Have you ever gotten hurt?"
"A couple of times, and I know I will get hurt more in the future."

Ryan swallowed. Not because he was scared for himself, but for her. The thought of her being hurt scared him. She had worn a happy enthusiastic façade as she gave her talk, but now they were talking in private he could see a little preview of the scars the job had given her.

"But you're not planning to, you know, do something less dangerous?"
"Not with a single cell in my mind. I love this job, and the satisfaction you get from locking a killer away is overwhelming. The threats and the shootings are the downsides, but I am positive that this is what I want to do. You needn't worry about things like shootings and getting hurt. If you really do join CSI, it will happen. I cannot make it prettier than it is, but I can assure you that everyone on your team is going to be really friendly and protective. Because that's what CSIs are to each other. Like I said, it's one big family. Speaking of which…"

She looked at her watch and began to stand up. "…I really should get back. I told them I'd have lunch immediately after the seminar, but there's still a lot of work for me to do."
"Okay. I don't wanna keep you here."
"Oh, you didn't. I'm glad to see someone with a real interest in my job. I hope I didn't scare you off with my talks about threats and getting hurt."
"No, no, not at all."
"Alright then. I have to go, but I hope I will see you again."
"Me too. Can I…can I ask you one last question?"
"Is it a quick one?"
"Yes."
"Go ahead."
"You never…uhm, you didn't really tell us…What's your name?"

The corners of her mouth crept up into a sweet smile. "Calleigh. Calleigh Duquesne."

Screw Christa, Christine, Charlotte, Caroline, Clarissa and Caitlyn. They don't hold a thing against her name. Calleigh is perfect.

"I'm Ryan Wolfe."
"I'll try to remember that. Nice meeting you Ryan."
"Same here, Calleigh."

He watched her pick up her case file again and step away from their table. She winked at him and then walked out the door, his eyes still glued to the direction she had just walked away in.

Fanfiction.net link: I need an opportunity, there's something I wanna ask. I never seem to ever get the chance

Would it be okay, would it be okay // if I took your breath away?

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 19:37:04 GMT

With my latest posting of 'Invincible', I have officially posted all my old fics to my fic journal! Hurray!

That means that starting tomorrow, I will, as promised, start posting chapters of my newest fic! (thing is, I have to think of a title first, eh.) Anyway, a short teaser of the coming fic:

- It's CaRWash (no duh) and it will be Angsty yet have our trademark fluff.

- Every chapter is written using a lyric from a Jesse McCartney song. His two current albums Beautiful Soul and Right Where You Want me are both included, every song, except for Invincible since I already used it. I didn't include the bonus tracks either. Why I write a story like this? Because I wanted to challenge myself. Don't like him or his music? I don't care. I love him.

- It will thus have 23 chapters. Not more, not less. So if I have posted the 23rd chapter, there will be no extra chapter, nothing. It will be done.

- Chapter one will be a kind of prologue, starting 5 years prior to the actual fic.

Interest picked? Excited yet?
If I think of a title chapter one will be posted by tomorrow.

Fic: Invincible

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 19:26:46 GMT

Title: Invincible
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: Just by the look on his face everyone knew everything they had tried had been unsuccessful. They didn't bring her back. No. She was gone.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Major Character Death! No spoilers for episodes.
Song: Jesse McCartney - Invincible.
A/N: Very, very, very Angsty story, but could very well be my personal favorite.

He missed Boston, Ryan decided as he stared out the window of Valera's hallway. He missed experiencing a white Christmas. As a young boy he would play out in the snow all day during his holidays, scarf wrapped around his neck and hat tightly over his ears, his hands kept warm by the red gloves. He would do everything from making snow angels to having a snow fight with the neighbor kid, and go to bed that night with his toes still frozen, his dreams filled with white branches and the sensation of feeling a snow flake fall on his tongue. Now he was leaning his head against the cold glass of the window, looking out over the sober but snow-less view that was Miami in December. The 24th of December, to be exact.

In the living room he could hear Eric laughing. They were having the lab's annual Christmas party, for which Valera, as every year, had offered her house and hostility. He should be inside, making fun, having a drink and laughing with the rest of his teammates. But it wasn't the same. It would never be the same.

I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way

Because one year ago he had been at the same party, with the same people, together with Calleigh. His Calleigh. God, Calleigh…

She'd amused him and the rest of the gang so much by showing up in a Santa outfit, complete with red and white fluffy hat. He remembered laughing, laughing along with the rest but at the same time laughing because he thought she looked gorgeous but he knew he wouldn't have the heart to tell her. Laughing at himself, at his weakness.

The entire evening had been entertaining as anecdotes about each other and stories about pasts were spilled without regret. It must have been the day where his stomach had hurt the most from laughing. Little did he know it would hurt from butterflies racing through it later, too.

He met Calleigh in that very hallway somewhere during the evening, as she took a break from the busy living room. The same thing he had done minutes before. She stood next to him and they talked about the little things. They had been looking out this window, he thought as he pressed his fist against it, they had been looking out and talking about the stars.

And suddenly the stars in her eyes had sparkled more than usual and her lips had touched his. They were soft and moist against his, her body was warm and familiar in his arms. He knew exactly what had caused this sudden change in their behavior, in their relation, but it was too painful to think about. Way to painful.

And it didn't matter. They had been happy. She had been happy with him. He had made her happy. And he loved to see her happy. He loved her.

September 1st, 2003
It took the life right out of me
Hung up the phone
And raced out the door
Broken

But their time together had been short. For eight months they had been the happiest couple on earth. Eight months before that fatal day arrived, the day that put an end to her life, and took his in its fall.

When his phone rang, deep inside him he had already known. He knew it would be about her, even though it could have been anyone. He could've been called into work, his mother could've called to say hello, it could've been a phone selling agency trying to get him to buy a set of kitchen knives. But he knew it wasn't that. He didn't know who it would be, but he knew exactly what they would tell him. And he was right.

It had been Horatio.

"Ryan…it's Calleigh."

He had dropped the phone; had to control his shaking hands before he could bring the receiver back against his ear. He was told that Calleigh was in the hospital, that doctors were fighting to save her life, and that he should probably get to the hospital. If he wasn't in a shape to drive Horatio would come and pick him up. He declined. Waiting to be picked up would take too much time. Even though his hands were shaking the entire drive, and tears leaked down his cheeks unstoppable, he drove to the hospital on himself.

His mind was blank and yet all kinds of thoughts were going through his head. So many things at the same time, it felt like a nagging headache that would never stop pounding behind his eyes. His eyes were dull, empty, focusing on the road, seeing it, but not registering it. Later he realized how it was a miracle he didn't get into an accident himself, but his need to be with Calleigh must've lead him to the hospital safely. Intact on the outside, vastly falling apart on the inside.

I tried to believe that it wasn't true
But in my heart I always knew
That being the life of the party would catch up to you
Your family was waiting and crying for three damn hours

In the hospital he arrived to a crowd. Her father, lifelessly sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, all color leaked out of his face, just a flicker from who he had been the last time Ryan saw him. Her brother Peter and his wife, Ryan thought her name was Judith. She looked distressed and was carrying their daughter Lisa. They had babysat her once, and talked about children when she was peacefully sleeping. Not that they were thinking of having children, not that soon. But it felt good to know how the other felt about the issue.

Horatio was standing in the corner, looking at him with compassionate eyes. Eric and Natalia were sitting on the waiting room bench in the other corner, Eric facing the floor, Natalia looking up at him as he entered. He swallowed and heard footsteps enter behind him. Faces of the people in the room rose up and he turned around, somewhere expecting to see Calleigh standing there, totally okay. But it wasn't Calleigh. It was Alexx. And she didn't look okay.

"Alexx…what happened?"

It was the only thing he could get out of his throat. He couldn't ask how she was doing because he was afraid he'd lose all hope. He desperately clung to the possibility that she would be alright.

"Her blood alcohol level was over the limit. She probably never realized there was a corner in the road until…"

He felt his stomach acid coming up in his throat. He felt sick, wanted to fall to his knees, cry and scream. How could she? With an alcoholic father that she had to pick up from bars many, many times… If there was one person he thought he'd never see drinking too much it was her. His hands were still shaking relentless, he wasn't in control of his OCD anymore. He didn't care.

"Why would she do that?" Her brother asked. "She despised alcohol, I don't understand."

Ryan couldn't answer, he could just stand there, listen, try his best not to sink through his weak knees. He couldn't sit down, couldn't move.

"We had a child murderer." Horatio spoke. "We needed one more piece of evidence to put him to trial but when Calleigh found it she unknowingly broke protocol and the defense made the judge declare the evidence inadmissible in court. They had to set him free. The mother of one of the murdered children came down to the lab to tell us exactly what she thought."

The persons in the room all sighed. They all knew how Calleigh could and would blame herself for this. Ryan, however, blamed himself for this. He should've known. He had seen tears in her eyes, for a fraction of a second. He had shrugged it off as a playing of his mind but now he knew it hadn't been. She had been crying and he had let her go.

I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
Everything's cool on the straight away
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five
Why babe?

And he had spoken to her, when she came to tell him that she was going home. He had been right in the middle of testing so he would follow late, taking up a couple of over hours. He did see that something was up but he knew the case was a hard one for her; it was a hard one for all of them. They had talked, briefly, in the evidence locker where he was working.

"I'm going."
"Alright. I want to finish this up before I leave."
"I'm not gonna wait up."
"That's alright. I'll see you at home."

She had walked up to him, looking up at him, something in her eyes he couldn't quite place. He had smiled at her, reached his hand out to touch her cheek. The evidence locker might have been the only place in the entire lab where the walls weren't made out of glass.

"Will you be okay on your own?"
"Yeah. Valera and I might be hitting town for a little."
"Don't worry about the case too much, alright? It was not your fault. The defense played a dirty game but we'll get him."
"I hope so."
"I love you."

Leaning in, they had shared a kiss, not a quick one like usually when one went home, but a deep one. It wasn't something they did often at work, but she needed it, and he knew she needed it, and the door was closed anyway.

Little did he know it was the last time their lips would ever touch.

Every time I'm home I pass that road
Driving alone and the street feels cold
Seeing your face yeah it's haunting me

On his way to the hospital, on his way to the party, everyday on his way to work he had to pass the flowers next to the road. He had to take the corner she had missed. He had to face the memories, the nightmares. And every time he passed he saw her face in front of him, those tears in her eyes, and he wished he would've stopped her. Wished he'd have forced her to wait for him, even though she would have been mad at him. She might still have been alive, kissing him again as he wrapped his arms protectively around her waist. He felt like a failure. He felt like a failure still and had felt like a failure ever since Horatio called him that fatal day.

The day of the accident he hadn't even known that it was that corner she missed as he raced passed it to get to her.

In the hospital he had gone crazy not being able to see her. They were working on her; they were trying to save her. Her family and friends sitting there in the waiting room as Valera walked in crying loudly, Natalia standing up to hug her close. That second it hit him. She was going into town with Valera.

"Maxine?"

She looked up and started crying louder, breaking free from Natalia and launching herself around Ryan's neck. He let her, but didn't touch her, didn't hold her.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

Someone called out that it wasn’t true. Ryan didn't say anything, let her talk.

"I had no idea she had been drinking that much. I thought she'd had one or two beers. Maybe she had. Maybe she was just very sensitive to alcohol, I don't know. I should've stopped her. I should've told her to wait, should've called you."

Ryan just shook his head, kept shaking his head the entire time. It wasn’t true. It wasn't happening. It wasn't his Calleigh that had gotten into her car drunk and was now in the hospital, where doctors were trying to bring her back.

"She was trying to get home before you got off shift so you wouldn't notice she'd been drinking."

Valera's voice sounded distant. She was trying… She didn't want him to know what she'd done. She didn't want him to know. Why couldn't it have been him in that car?

My mind goes crazy trying to figure out
Just where you'd be four years from now
And what you were thinking when the lights came down
The doctors were trying to save you for three damn hours

He felt a tear leak down his cheek as he stood there, Valera still holding onto him and all eyes directed at him. He looked at Alexx for help, who nodded and pulled Valera loose from Ryan, instead holding her.

Ryan was battling in his own mind. He wanted to ask how she was doing, wanted to see her even though he knew it could be the last time, but then he didn't. He wanted to hope, pray that the doctors could do something and make it possible for him to see her in full glory again, alive and smiling. His visions was blurry, his cheeks wet. He knew everyone was looking at him but nobody dared to do or say anything.

"Is she…"

He couldn't even finish his sentence but they all knew what he meant. They were all wondering the same thing. Alexx looked him straight in the eye.

"They're doing everything they can."

That couldn't be a good sign. If it was looking hopeful she would've said something like 'she will be fine' or anything to reassure him. At that moment he knew all hope was lost, he knew he would never see her alive again. And he hoped that she knew how much he loved her, and how he wasn't mad at her. How he could never be mad at her, just like he could never stop loving her.

"Okay."

He looked to his right, where a window had been covered with blinds so they couldn't look in as doctors probably had her chest cracked open. Something that wouldn't have been a pretty sight, even though he was sure she'd still look beautiful.

It took hours, and the blinds stayed closed. And then the man in the white lab coat entered.

I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
Everything's cool on the straight away
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five
Why babe?

Just by the look on his face everyone knew everything they had tried had been unsuccessful. They didn't bring her back. No. She was gone. Calleigh Duquesne, the sunshine of the Miami Dade Crimelab, the love of his life was gone. Forever.

Tears had just stopped floating but the immediately started again. Behind him he heard Judith sob, Eric swear under his breath, but besides that it was silent.

"Thank you doctor."

Horatio broke the silence. Ryan felt like strangling him. Thank you? Thank you? The doctor had been unable to save Calleigh. It was his job; he should've saved his Calleigh. But inside he knew he couldn't blame the doctor. After all, he had just spent three hours or so trying to bring her back when obviously her time had come.

He still didn't think it was fair.

He turned around and looked at the persons in the room. The women were all crying, as was her father, without sound though. Eric was looking at the floor, Valera's head lying on his shoulder. Horatio was staring right at him and he had to bite his lip to control himself. They sat and stood there in silence for minutes, letting reality sink in. She was gone. They would never talk to her again, and every one of them was having a hard time believing that.

And the longer he was standing there, the more he thought he could've prevented this from happening.

Who ever said that life was fair
When you live without a care
When you're invincible
When you're invincible
When you're invincible
Who thinks about leaving when you're living?

She was buried five days later, exactly the way everyone thought she would've wanted to be buried. No people were invited that didn't know her well enough. There was no gun salute; because after Speedle's funeral and John's suicide, she had told them multiple times that she didn't want one, as much as she loved guns.

A few people spoke about her, all but one had to stop talking because they simply couldn't bear to. Horatio finished with the help of Alexx, who did their speeches together for everyone at the lab. Her father and brother both broke it off. And then it was his turn to speak. To tell the crowd what kind of person she had been, and how much he had loved her.

"I'm expected to stand here, and tell you all what a wonderful and friendly person Calleigh was. But honestly, I don't want to do that. I don't want to tell you that she made the job worth it; I don't want to tell you that her smile could light up entire rooms and I don't want to tell you that she would have been a wonderful wife and mother. I don't want to tell you, because you all should know that already."

He took a deep breath.

"I feel like, on her funeral, I shouldn't be talking to you. I feel like I should be talking to her. Cal…"

He broke down. Tears pricked in his eyes but he forced them back. They couldn't win. He wanted to, needed to say this.

"Cal, I love you with all my heart, and… and I hope that you'll never forget that. I wish things could've been different. Things should've been different. It'll never be the same without you. You've filled up my life in a way I can't describe…so for that…thanks babe."

He stepped away from the microphone, down from the platform. People wiped their eyes with handkerchiefs, stared at the ground or nodded slowly. He had said exactly what had been on all of their minds.

The unreality, the pain, the loss they were all experiencing felt like it would never go away.

I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way
Everything's cool on the straight away
But you took that turn doing eighty-five in a thirty-five

And it never did go away. Two months later, at the lab's annual Christmas party, they were laughing, joking, but Calleigh was on all of their minds. Her death cast a shadow over all of their existences, but she would've wanted them to move on. Keeping her in their thoughts always, the continued their lives like they would have with her around.

Everyone except for Ryan. His live couldn't continue as it would have done with her still around. Because she was his life. He sighed and a thin layer of condensation covered up the glass, ruining his view.

He heard the door behind him open and Natalia walked into the hallway. She saw him and stopped dead in her tracks.

"Ryan, I didn't know you were here."
"Not really in the partying mood."
"Do you need anything?"
"No thanks. I'd just like to be alone right now."
"I understand. I'll go back inside."
"Thanks Natalia."

He missed Boston, he decided, but he would never be able to go back. He would…if it wasn't for her grave keeping him in Miami. He visited it every morning before he went to work and every evening before he went back home. He knew he would have to cut down eventually, he was wearing himself down this way, he was committing himself to her in a way that was emotionally intolerable, but the only time he felt truly alright was when he was kneeling in front of her grave, telling her about his day.

Now she wasn't with him anymore, she was more with him than ever. He felt her in everything he did. She was watching over him, had become his guardian angel, and he made a promise not to let her down. He missed her more every day, but he knew that when his day would come, she would be waiting for him on the other side. And that thought made him pull through. He didn't need a shrink, didn't need a friend. He had his Calleigh, and even though she died, she never really left him.

I said don't do it babe
Said it ain't worth it babe
But you did it anyway
Four or five drinks and you were on your way...

Fic: Something About Christmas

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 14:29:10 GMT

Title: Something About Christmas
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: The reason the entire family was up in the attic was because they were planning on setting up the Christmas tree that Ryan and Tim had bought. Christmas decorations had to be among the stuff stored in the attic…somewhere…
Rating: K+
Spoilers: The other fics from this series.
Song: None.
A/N: #4 of my 'Family Portrait' series. Originally a Christmas fic.

The attic is for most people a place to dump stuff they don't use, but don't want to throw away. Some people turn it into a living- or bedroom, or use it as a fitness- or hobby room. For the Wolfe family it is a place to dump stuff they don't use, but don't want to throw away.

"Oh my God, what is this?"

Haylie pulled a straw hat out of a cardboard box she had just pulled out from under the dust. Calleigh and Ryan gave each other a meaningful look.

"Your mother wore that hat on the day our relationship went public." Ryan said, a smile on his face as he thought back of it.
"So you kept this…smelly…old…thing?" Haylie raised an eyebrow.
"Our family is way too nostalgic." Tim's voice sounded from the other side of the attic. "I've got a birthday card from…eighteen years ago. From whom is it? Oh, dad's friend Rebecca. Never mind, said too much."
"I like the hat."

Rebecca pulled it out of her sister's hands and put it on her head. Ryan lifted her and swung her around. She chuckled as he kissed her cheek.

"One day you will make boys' heads spin like crazy, just like your mom did with me."

A huge smile crept up Rebecca's face and Haylie and Tim had trouble keeping their faces straight. Calleigh covered her mouth with a hand.

"Yeah, you can laugh now, but just wait and see. This one's a maneater, mark my words."
"Oh, dad, that's not it." Tim said snickering. "It's just…you would come across so much more serious without the hat."

Ryan looked up and saw the edge of the hat. Rebecca had put it on his head without him noticing. She started laughing, and everyone followed.

"Make a fool out of your dad, you." Ryan laughed as he put Rebecca down and threw the hat to Calleigh. She put it on and winked at him.
"Why would someone wear a hat like that, anyway?" Haylie asked.
"Oh, it was the lab's annual summer party. The boys had dared me, Valera and Natalia to come wearing a silly hat, thinking that we wouldn't. So, naturally, we did." Calleigh explained. "The look on the boy's faces as we entered was priceless."
"You didn't enter with dad?" Tim asked.
"No, we were still in our 'secret' period. We were trying to be seen together as less as possible. But that was the day that we told everyone we'd been dating for six months. Those were some more priceless faces."

Ryan laughed as he kneeled next to his wife, opening a box of their own. The reason the entire family was up in the attic was because they were planning on setting up the Christmas tree that Ryan and Tim had bought. Christmas decorations had to be among the stuff stored in the attic…somewhere…

"Got it! No…no wait, this is…these are our old toys. I was wondering where my fluffy rabbit had gone." Haylie said.
"These are photo albums…baby Haylie. That's not a sight for sore eyes." Tim teased.
"Hey! Have you ever looked into a mirror?" Haylie snapped back.
"Kids, kids…please." Calleigh interfered.
"What's this, modern art?" Haylie asked, holding up some kind of black and white picture of an abstract form. "It's hideous."

Calleigh and Ryan looked at each other and burst into laughter. Haylie looked insulted.

"What? This is really not my style."
"Haylie, it's you. It's a picture of my first echo when I was pregnant with you." Calleigh said in-between fits of laughter.

Tim snorted. "What did you just say about looking into a mirror?"

Calleigh shook her head, wiping the bottom of her eyes. She and Ryan went through boxes together, but coming across things from their pasts made it harder for them to move on quickly.

"Oh, Cal, do you remember this?" Ryan asked, holding up a hideous green vase.
"God yes, the wedding gift from my aunt Lynette. Why didn't we just throw the thing away?" Calleigh said, wrinkling her nose.
"Because we were certain she would ask us where we left it one day, and everyone knows we can't tell a lie. So if we told her it was still in the house, she would've known we were lying."

Three children chuckled. "Put it back in the box, please, I think I'm going blind." Tim joked.
Ryan did as his son ordered.

"Wasn't this another wedding gift?" Calleigh said, examining a painting of what looked like a cartoon version of her and Ryan.
"Yeah, from my so-called talented artist nephew."
"Did you get any good wedding gifts?" Haylie asked.
"Yeah." Calleigh smiled. "We got the best one from ourselves." Two pairs of eyes went to Tim.
"I said good." Haylie reminded them.

Tim slapped her head. He knew his mother had been pregnant with him when she married his father. Just recently, so it wasn't a shotgun wedding, but they had been thinking about their child when they made the decision to let the wedding continue. Two months along, Calleigh was when she told Ryan 'I do'. Not far enough to show, but far enough for them to know their lives were gonna change even more drastically than they'd just signed up for.

"Any material stuff that was worth it?" Haylie continued her questioning.
"The guys from worked buckled together to buy us this house." Calleigh said, her eyes getting wet with tears just talking about it.
"A house? Good God, who poisoned their drinks?"
"We wondered the same thing." Ryan replied, wrapping his arm around Calleigh. "They knew we really wanted this house, it was big enough for us to live our life, built on a family, and the neighborhood was just perfect. But we didn't have the money."
"Was it that expensive?" Tim asked.
"Not really. To standards, it wasn't that expensive. But I was young, still paying back college loans…took me ages to finish those. And with both our salaries we had to pay for everything. Food, gas, electricity, water…and the house itself. Not to mention we had Tim on the way. We did the math and concluded that it was just not meant for us. We had already continued our search when they gave us the key at our wedding."
"And you took it?"
"At first we didn't. Your mom practically yelled at them that they were insane."

Calleigh smiled to herself and nodded slightly. She remember her tirade. How could anyone buy them a house? Something so expensive. She had expected bowls as a gift, table silver, perhaps furniture, but not an entire house. She had refused to take the key from them, so Alexx instead gave it to her weak spot: Ryan.

"You have the awesomest friends ever." Haylie concluded.
"That's not a word. But we do." Ryan agreed.
"We really do." Calleigh said softly.

Silence fell over the room as Calleigh and Ryan were sunken into thoughts and Tim and Haylie silently continued their search for Christmas decorations, letting their parents relive the moment.

A loud: "GOT THEM!" shook them out of their trances with a jump. They all looked around until they saw a pair of feet stick out from underneath a table. Laughing Tim pulled his littlest sister out and dug in to retrieve the box. She had been right, when the box was opened lots of shiny decorations greeted them from inside.
"Good job Becca!" Ryan praised. Rebecca smiled, a proud twinkle in her eyes. She spotted the Christmas angel that went on top of the tree soon enough, and grabbed it.
"Careful!" Calleigh called out. "It's an inheritance from my grandmother."

With renewed respect and care, Rebecca took a good look at it. "It's pretty." She pulled it against her and held it tightly. Calleigh smiled and lifted her as Ryan lifted the box and everyone made their way back downstairs. Calleigh carrying Rebecca, Ryan carrying the box, Haylie carrying a bunch of lights she had found and Tim carrying a chandelier that they always put in the living room with Christmas.

Soon enough the entire family sat by the fire with hot chocolate as they watched Calleigh set up the Christmas tree with silver and gold. As soon as the tree was more glitter than green, she took a step back and admired her work.

"Looks great babe." Ryan commented.
"It's missing something." Calleigh's eyes went to Rebecca, who was sitting near the fire, the Christmas angel in her hands. She looked up with big eyes and shook her head.
"I don't wanna give it."
"It's supposed to go up the tree honey." Calleigh sighed.
"I want it."
"You can't have it Becca. Now let mommy put it on top of the tree."
"But then it'll be alone."

Haylie rolled her eyes, "Becca, it's just a…" but she was silenced by her father.
"No, Becca is right. No one should be alone on Christmas. So, Becca, maybe you should put her on top so she knows she's not alone. What do you think?"

Rebecca nodded and Ryan stood up. He lifted her and put her on his neck, making her stick out above everyone all of a sudden. She waved at her mother, who waved back, now slightly amused by her daughter. A lonely Christmas angel.

Ryan brought her close to the tree. With a last: "Be careful." from her mother, Rebecca reached out and put the angel on top of the tree.

"Great job Becca." Tim said as Ryan put her back down. Rebecca crawled on his lap and Tim shook his head smiling at his little sister. Calleigh placed a couple of wrapped gifts underneath the tree and Rebecca's eyes grew wide. Tim held her tight when she tried to crawl off again.
"No, no. Those are for Christmas. And it's not Christmas yet." He said.
"Mom and dad just like to see us long for them." Haylie added in.
"Not fair." Rebecca concluded.

Calleigh and Ryan laughed. Ryan's arms encircled his wife from behind as they stood watching the tree.

"I remember our first Christmas together." He commented.
"Oh me too." She smiled. "Me too."
"It's even better with the kids around, isn't it?"
"Most definitely." She agreed.

And three pairs of eyes rolled in unison behind their backs.

Fic: Do It Right

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:19:02 GMT

Title: Do It Right
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: "Ryan?" "Yes?" "If they find anything in that blood sample, I will kill you."
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Hints to several occasions throughout the season, especially Ryan's firing.
Song: None.
A/N: Not a episode-related fic, like many people thought. I made everything up.

Silence overlapped the room and kept it in its grip. It was like the people inside were afraid to speak up, afraid that the fragile thin walls they had built up around themselves would crumble down if any sound was heard.

Calleigh Duquesne sat in one of the chairs, her legs crossed. She was wearing a formal black skirt with a black blouse, the top of which revealing just the tiniest hint of a purple shirt underneath it. Her hair was tightly pulled back into a plait with a purple hair band; no hair seemed out of place. Her fingers were wrapped around a steaming coffee mug, hanging in mid-air somewhere around her chest area. Her eyes were focused on a file that was lying in her lap, scanning the pages with her emerald green eyes. Her carefully manicured fingernails tapped on the cup to a rhythm no one but herself seemed to know.

From next to the window, a pair of hazel eyes, belonging to Ryan Wolfe, darted across the room several times. He was leaning against the wall next to the only window in the room. An irritated sigh left his lips and he nervously fiddled with his tie. He was dressed up in a suit, and an attempt had been done to keep his hair under control instead of the normal ruffled look. He looked out of the window for a second before turning his head and glaring at Calleigh again. He kept his eyes on her for a while and after a while he seemed satisfied, he focused on fiddling with his tie again. He wasn't satisfied for long though, after about a minute he was rolling his eyes and glaring across the room again.

"Would you mind?"

Calleigh slowly looked up from her file and their eyes met. Her face expressed confusion as she picked up the file she had been reading and crossed her legs the other way around before placing the file back down.

"Mind what?" She asked.
"The thing with your nails…would you mind stopping it? It's driving me crazy."

Looking down at her nails, Calleigh realized that he meant the tapping of her fingernails against the coffee cup. She put on an apologizing face and nodded, then taking a sip out of the cup. She started reading again. Ryan stared out of the window again.

Natalia Boa Vista had watched the play in silence. She had her hands folded on her lap, eyes directed at a random spot in the distance and she seemed deep in thought again. When a noise was heard in the hallway she snapped out of her trance and brushed some dirt off of her white dress pants, straightened her dark-blue blouse and cleared her throat. Two pairs of eyes focused on her, thinking she wanted to say something, but she raised her hands as an excuse. It had merely been a nervous habit.

The door opened and all three persons in the room looked up. Eric Delko entered, also in a formal suit, and nodded his head at Natalia, who stood up.

"How did it go?" She briefly asked.
"Good luck." was his only reply.

She made a face and nodded, walking out of the room. When she looked over her shoulder, Calleigh and Ryan gave her an encouraging smile, and Eric stuck up his thumb. She took a deep breath and turned around, being lead through two big wooden doors.

The silence returned to the room as Eric slumped down onto the chair Natalia had just gotten up from. He buried his face in his hands and leaned forward for a moment. Calleigh and Ryan's attention never left him. When he looked up, feeling their eyes on him, he sighed.

"Terrible. Disaster even. The defense has put Claire Davis on the case."

Calleigh groaned, closing her eyes for a second. "God no."

"Who's Claire Davis?" Ryan asked.
"She's a defense attorney. A good one." Eric replied. "She knows everything about you. And if she doesn't know something, she will find someone who does. She can get anyone to tell her everything she wants to know."
"What did she do?" Calleigh asked.
"The drugs. It's not like I hadn't expected it, but now my sister…I didn't think they'd go deep into it. I should have known they would. And of course, the shooting. I had prepared my arguments for that but she always finds a way to go beyond what I prepared."
"Great, I'll have to defend my father again."

Ryan looked from the one to the other as they spoke.

"Wait, how come the both of you know her but I don't?" He asked.
"She took a very long break to have two children. She was on a lot of cases before you got here." Eric answered.
"So…what do I do?"

Calleigh put away her coffee mug and her file and leaned forward slightly. Eric rolled his shoulders and stood up to sit down closer to Calleigh. She licked her lips and started:

"Speak slowly and surely. As long as you're convinced of your own right, you will be fine. We did nothing wrong, you did nothing wrong. She will ask you about your firing, without a doubt, but you have to be ready for it. Don't answer questions that aren't relevant for the case. If you're not sure, look at the DA. He will give you a nod if you have to answer."
"My God. What kind of questions can I expect?"
"The worst." Eric jumped in. "This woman knows no mercy, she has no limit. She will shamelessly ask you about the gambling, the pay-off and everything else that could break your credibility as an expert."
"Great. Is it too late to pull out?"
"Yes." Calleigh replied seriously.

A lot more nervous now than he had been before, Ryan silently waited for his turn to testify. He knew he had to go after Natalia. He waited and checked the big wooden doors, anxious for the moment they would open and Natalia would come back. It took long, but not long enough to him, before she came back. She was biting her lip and when she thought he wasn't watching, she shook her head.

Sighing deeply, Ryan stood up straight and swallowed.

"Wish me luck." He said, trying to sound self-assured.
"You can do it Ryan." Calleigh said, though her voice didn't sound as calm as she probably had wanted it to.
"Yeah, break a leg." Natalia fell in. Somehow she looked like she was on the verge of crying.
"Good luck." Delko merely said.

They all watched him leave, and when they saw him enter the court room, Eric didn't sound hopeful at all when he said: "He's going down."
Natalia nodded. "She didn't leave a piece of me unharmed."
"I know the feeling."
"What evidence is Ryan testifying for?" Natalia asked.
"The bloodstain." Calleigh knew.
"Oh God. Without that we hardly have a case, do we?"
"Calleigh can make up with the gun, but it would be tough." Eric said.

Silence trapped the room again. No one knew what to say so they just waited in silence. When the doors opened they expected to see Ryan coming back, but instead a court clerk asked Calleigh to come in. She looked at Eric and Natalia separately before rising and following the clerk in. Arriving there, she realized why Ryan hadn't come back. He was sitting in the public. Claire Davis had probably called the right to ask him more questions later.

She gave him a look, trying to find out how his testimony had gone, but he avoided her eyes. She was placed under oath and sat down on the witness' stand. The DA stood up. It was a tall, broad man that looked like he could pop out of his suit any moment. But Calleigh was familiar with him, and she knew he would go easy on her. He would ask for facts, nothing more.

"Miss Duquesne, your area of expertise is ballistics, is that correct?"
"Yes it is." She calmly replied.
"So you were the one to process the murder weapon when it came into your lab?"
"Yes I was."
"Can you tell us what you did with it?"
"Of course. I dusted it for fingerprints, ran the serial number through the database, tested to see whether it had been fired recently and test-fired it to match the rounds."
"And what were your findings?"
"I found one workable fingerprint, belonging to the defendant. Also the gun was registered to his girlfriend, and it had been fired recently. Striations from the bullet we found at the crime scene were a perfect match to the striations left by that gun."
"So you're definite that this gun is the murder weapon?"
"Yes, I am."
"Thank you Miss Duquesne. Your witness."

Calleigh took a breath. She was past the DA's part, but now it was the defense's turn to question her. Claire Davis rose from her seat and looked Calleigh straight in the eye. Calleigh quickly looked her up and down. She was dressed in a dark red knee-length skirt, and her well-formed upper body was covered by a white jacket. Her dark hair was bound into a knot, and the glasses on her nose made her resemble a strict school teacher.

"Miss Duquesne."

Calleigh was silent and waited for the first real question to come.

"You testified that you found one of my client's fingerprints on the gun, which you identified as the murder weapon, correct?"
"Correct." Calleigh answered.
"But...my client's fingerprint on his girlfriend's gun…doesn't necessarily mean that my client fired that gun, does it?"
"Not necessarily."
"Can you, without a doubt, place this gun in my clients hand when it went of and killed the victim?" Claire Davis asked, tilting her head just the slightest bit.
"Not completely without a doubt, no."
"So, what makes you think that my client indeed fired the gun, and thereby killed Mrs. Karen Wilson?"
"There is a lot of other evidence that suggests Mr. Carter's guilt." Calleigh said, folding her hands together.
"Right. Your colleague, Mister Wolfe…"

Claire Davis turned slowly to indicate Ryan's position in the crowd, before turning back to Calleigh.

"…Mister Wolfe testified that he handled the blood evidence found on the crime scene, matching my client. Is that correct?"
"Yes."
"Mister Wolfe has recently been fired from the department for a period of time?"
"Yes."
"He has only recently returned?"
"Yes."

The DA rose from his seat and leaned his hands on the table in front of him. "Objection your honor. Is the defense going to keep asking for things they already know?"
"Sustained. Get to the point Mrs. Davis." The judge said.

"Alright your honor. Miss Duquesne, I assume that after someone gets rehired to your department, a sharp eye is being kept on him? After all, he was fired for a reason."
"If you mean whether we checked Mister Wolfe's progress and methods during this case, then yes, we did."
"Mister Wolfe pointed you out to us as the one responsible for keeping an eye on him."

Calleigh let her eyes wander to Ryan for a second, but he was looking down at the floor.

"I checked up on him a couple of times during the case."
"Were you present when he collected the blood sample at the crime scene?"
"I collected the blood sample, not him."
"Right. Were you present when he analyzed the blood sample you had collected?"
"No, I was not."
"Weren't you interested to see if the evidence you collected was of importance?"
"Of course I was, but there is more work to do. I cannot follow up every piece of evidence I collect in a murder investigation."
"Was anyone else present when Mister Wolfe analyzed the blood sample?"

Calleigh inwardly groaned. Now she understood why Ryan had been kept in the court room. She blinked slowly and again searched for Ryan's eyes. This time he was looking at her, but when she looked back he diverted his head.

"I cannot testify to that." She replied.
"Assuming…that no one was present at the time. Is it possible that the blood evidence was tampered with?"
"By Mister Wolfe?" Calleigh asked, her eyes growing wide. "No, I do not believe that is possible."
"And you are sure of this because…?"
"Because I trust my colleagues."
"But your colleague has done things to conflict with a case before."
"If you're afraid the blood evidence is tampered with, Mrs. Davis, then you're free to have another lab test it. I can assure you though, that the results will be the same."

A few members of the jury started to snicker, and the judge asked for order.

"I will do just that, Miss Duquesne. And if I find even the slightest difference in results, I assume I can hold you responsible for it? Since you had responsibility over Mister Wolfe?"
"Yes ma'am, go ahead." Calleigh nodded.
"No further questions, your honor."

Calleigh was allowed to leave the witness' stand and together with Ryan she was escorted out of the room. In the hallway, after the doors had closed, she abruptly stood still, causing Ryan to have to do an emergency stop.

"Cal?"

She turned around, her plait falling over her shoulder.

"Ryan, for God's sake! Do you realize what you've said?"
"Yes. I mean, I'm sorry. It was out before I even had the chance to ponder it. It just…slipped."
"I just pray you haven't done anything wrong while processing that blood sample. I hope you washed your hands thrice before you started on it, I hope you were double gloved, and I pray to God you didn't sneeze." Calleigh said, counting on her fingers as she spoke.

"Cal, I did it right. I promise. I documented every step, worked exactly by the book. I know it wasn't very smart of me to name you, but I swear, they're not gonna find anything."
"Why did you give them a name anyway?"
"The way she looked at me. I knew she was going after me, the blood evidence…our strongest piece of evidence. I had to do something to make sure she wouldn't completely rip me apart."
"So instead you gave her my name, so she could rip me apart?"
"No. She didn't even ask you anything personal."
"She got something better, Ryan. Responsibility. If something is wrong with that blood, you'll get fired for tampering with evidence, and I will get fired for giving you the chance to tamper with evidence. You just put the blame completely on my shoulders."

Ryan fell silent.

"Well then I guess it's just another thing to add to the list of things I've done wrong. You can ask the court clerk for the full list." He said softly.
"What?" Calleigh's voice had softened.
"She knew everything. She named everything. She made a complete fool of me. I know I have made a lot of mistakes but when you name them all in a row…it makes me wonder why I'm even still here."

Eric and Natalia, alarmed by the raised voices in the hallway, stopped when they reached them and caught the ending of the conversation.

"Hey, Wolfe, you're still here because we still want you to be here." Eric said.
"Yes, she lectured me big time too on being a mole. Don't let her get to you." Natalia agreed.
"Ryan."

Calleigh placed her hand on his shoulder. He looked up at her.

"As long as you processed the blood evidence right, there's no problem."
"I did. I mean I think I did."
"Stop doubting yourself. A minute ago you were convinced you did it right. Now tell me, did you do it right?"

She looked him in the eye and squeezed his shoulder.

"I did it right." He said.
"Good." Calleigh gave him a small smile and stepped back. "Well, since we're done here, I'm going home. See you guys tomorrow."
"See ya."

That evening, Calleigh came back from a head-clearing run when she found Ryan on her doorstep. He was sitting there, arms wrapped around his knees, and he didn't notice her until she kneeled in front of him.

"Ryan? What are you doing here, it's cold outside."
"Well, it was kinda hard to get inside." He grinned weakly.

She took her key out of her pocket and opened the door as Ryan got up. She stepped in and looked back at him. "Come on in."

"Thanks."
"Uhm…I need to change. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. It'll only take five minutes."
"Sure."

When Calleigh came back, Ryan was sitting on her couch, staring at her pictures. She sat down next to him and looked at them too for a while before turning to him.

"What are you doing here Ryan?"
"I…I thought maybe I owed you an apology. Actually I do. I just hope you'll accept it."
"You don't have to apologize."
"No, I do. I could've caused you so much trouble. If they find anything in the blood evidence, I'll tell them you weren't responsible for me."
"Why did you pick me, anyway? Why not Horatio, he's your supervisor?"
"I have never felt like Horatio was keeping an eye on me. You were the one that taught me everything. And honestly, your name was just the first thing to pop up in my head."
"I'll shrug that off as a compliment." She smiled.

Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I didn't mean to get you into trouble. It's just…when she named the list…I saw the jury looking, thinking…I guess in a way you were right when you said I gave her your name so she would stop chewing me up."
"Listen to me; you forget that list, alright? Just black it out of your mind. Now give me a list of everything you did right, every case you cracked, every suspect you put away." Calleigh said.
"I don't remember all of that."
"It's a long list, isn't it? Longer than the list of mistakes, no?"

Ryan grinned in spite of himself. "Yeah, it is longer."
"It's this thing, Ryan. If you make a list of my, Eric's or even Horatio's mistakes it'll be just as long, if not longer. But the good things we did, the right decisions we made, they are what matters in the end."
"I am making a difference."
"Exactly. And I happen to remember a time when you were the only one that got my head off my negative points."
"Thanks for repaying the favor. I better go."

He got up from the couch, and with renewed self-esteem, and renewed belief in himself, he walked over to the door and extended his hand to open it.

"Ryan?"
"Yes?"
"If they find anything in that blood sample, I will kill you."

His hand stopped in mid-air and a shiver ran down his spine. He turned around.

"I'll let you choose the gun though." A wicked smile crossed her face and he swallowed. The bewildered look stayed on his face until Calleigh winked at him.
"I'm gonna get out of here. See you tomorrow." Ryan said.
"See you."

The following week was lived through as if it was an illusion, up until the point where they got the news: the blood sample had been clean. That day, Ryan's grin looked like it was going to split his face in half, and the relief written on Calleigh's face seemed to have been carved into it.

When they found themselves alone in a lab room, they exchanged a quick hug.

"I knew you had done it right." Calleigh said.
"No you didn't. I bet you'd already searched out the ammo for killing me."
"You…" She said, smacking his chest. "…were not supposed to know that."
"I have a sixth sense for knowing the unknown."
"Well then you know you have to get back to work now."

Ryan nodded knowingly and started to back out of the room. "I'm taking you out for drink tonight to celebrate that the list of things I've done right just got longer." He pointed at her.
"As long as you pay." Calleigh commented, her attention already back on the file she'd been working on.
"Hey Cal, thanks for everything."
"You're welcome babe." Her distant answer sounded, and Ryan left the room.

There might be a huge list of things he'd done wrong, he thought, but for now it was Ryan: 1 date with Calleigh, Claire Davis: 0.

Fic: Been there, Done that

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:41:13 GMT

Title: Been there, Done that
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: It might as well be a parent's worst nightmare. Your children growing old enough to reach the stage of 'not needing' your parents anymore.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: None.
Song: None.
A/N: Part of my 'Family Portrait' series. #3.

It might as well be a parent's worst nightmare. Your children growing old enough to reach the stage of 'not needing' your parents anymore. As a parent, you hold on to the days where your children like to sit on your lap and be lifted, and the times when they tell you everything that's going on in their lives, important or not. But at a certain age, those things just stop. They don't sit on your lap anymore -God forbid anyone even saw them with you- , you can't lift them even if they wanted you to, and you hardly hear anything about their lives, unless you ask. Calleigh knew that two of her children had reached or were reaching that stage in their lives when she saw Tim and Haylie sitting slumped down on the couch together, while Rebecca seemed comfortable nestled on Ryan's lap in the chair.

Haylie and Tim had started a fight about the remote control, but Ryan didn't seem to notice as he was laughing at something Rebecca had told him. Calleigh smiled, but it faded as Haylie started shouting.

"Give it back! Give it to me, I was WATCHING that!"
"It's boring." Tim replied.
"I like it, and I was watching! Give it back to me!"
"I wanna watch something else."
"Give it here or I'll tell mom and dad about how I saw you kissing a girl!"

The room seemed frozen in time. Ryan and Rebecca stopped laughing, and both of their hazel eyes grew wide. Tim's green eyes seemed to spit fire at his sister, who'd covered her mouth with her hand, evidently just as surprised about her revelation as the rest of the room.

"…Does anyone want a drink?" Calleigh said to break the very awkward silence.
"No thanks." Tim jumped up from his seat, threw the remote against his sister's head ("Ouch! Jerk!") and stormed out of the room, up onto the stairs.

The awkward silence returned.

"It…seemed consensual if that's what you're wondering." Haylie muttered.
"No, actually, that was not the kind of information we were waiting for." Ryan replied.
"It's not? Then what are you waiting for?" Calleigh asked, obvious that what Haylie said had indeed been her question.
"Well…who was it?" Ryan asked with a grin on his face.
"Ryan Wolfe!" Calleigh laughed. "Go ask your son if you're interested in that. After all, Haylie's not supposed to know these kinds of things, is she?" She said with emphasis on 'is she'.
"I can't help it that he did it like in plain sight!"
"You shouldn't have blurted it out in the living room; your brother has a private life as well. And he deserves to keep his private if he feels like it."

Haylie threw her hands up.

"Fine, I'm sorry. But I can't believe you haven't even noticed. He's been home late for like two weeks straight, and he's always gone except for at dinner. Even his computer spends the day off! A month ago he would've died if he couldn't be on his computer."
"Okay, who did she inherit those observation skills from?" Ryan joked.
"Ha-ha, mister CSI. I'm not gonna tell you again that I do not want to be a CSI."
"Fine, fine."

Ryan stood up and put Rebecca down on her feet on the ground, which resulted in a complaining whining.

"Go sit with your mom Becca, I'm gonna go see if your brother is okay."
"Liar, you just wanna know who he kissed." Haylie teased. "I'd tell you, but mom eh…"
"Yeah, blame the mother." Calleigh said, lifting Rebecca and walking towards the kitchen. "If you get him to tell you, ask him whether he'll bring her for dinner tomorrow."
"Uh…sure. I doubt I'll get anything out of him though."
"You never know."

Ryan climbed the stairs and knocked on his son's bedroom door.

"You don't have to tell me I'm grounded. I know." It sounded from inside.
Ryan let out a laugh. "Now, now, we're not that old fashioned, Tim. Wanna talk?"
"Whatever."

The door slowly opened and Ryan entered the room. He sat down on the desk chair, facing his son who fell down on the bed.

"You didn't really think your mom and I would ground you for being a man, right?"
"Man? What happened to 'my baby boy'?"
"Hm…I'm afraid you out-grew it." Ryan said, smiling.
"Geez, how sad." The sarcastic tone of Tim's voice filled the room.

Ryan leaned his arm on the desk and eyed his son.

"You are really growing up. Kissing girls now…God I remember the first time I kissed."
"Really? Who was it then? Do I know her? Do you still see her? Did you guys date?" Tim suddenly seemed very interested.
"How about I tell you…but then you have to tell me about your girl."
"My girl. You say it like I own her."
"Luckily you're wise enough to know that that's not what I mean."

Tim put on a thoughtful face and sighed.

"Fine. You tell me about yours and I might tell you about mine."
"Good enough for me. Yes I dated her; no I don't see her anymore because she died. Your sister was named after her."
"Who? Haylie?"
"No, Rebecca."
"Wow. Mom let you name your daughter after your girlfriend?"
"Ex-girlfriend. We broke up and stayed really good friends up until the day she died. And your mother knows I love her more than any other woman in this world."

Tim made a face and nodded.

"Wait, is…Rebecca, is that the woman whose funeral you visited? When mom and you got together?"
"You remember that story huh? Yes, that's the one."
"Cool. I guess. Then I understand you named Becca after her."

Ryan nodded and seemed lost in thought for a moment. Tim probably thought he was getting out of it easily because he placed his hands behind his head and leaned back.

"Okay, your turn." Ryan suddenly spoke.
"Damn."
"Come on Tim, I'm just your dad. I promise I'm not going 'what does her father do for a living?' on you."
"Yeah, thanks dad. Fine. Her name's Lisa, she lives a few blocks away from here, and we've been dating for about two weeks. Anything else?"
"Yeah. Your mom asked whether you'll bring her to dinner tomorrow."
"I…uh…what?"
"Your mom, Calleigh Wolfe, asked me, to ask you, if you will bring your girlfriend to dinner tomorrow."

Tim's eyes widened and his mouth opened, closed, and opened again.

"Uh…I'll…I'll ask her."
"Good."

Ryan stood up and rubbed his son's hair.

"Damnit dad, it took me like half an hour to get it like that."
"You remind me of your mother."

Smiling, Ryan left the room and went back downstairs. Haylie had reclaimed the remote control and was sitting on a chair now, watching one of her favourite shows with her mother. Rebecca was lying near asleep on Calleigh's lap on the couch.

"He's going to ask her. Her name's Lisa."

Calleigh looked up, surprised.

"Really? Wow."
"I didn't expect him to tell either, but I told him about Rebecca. The other one, not the one on your lap." Ryan winked.
"Ah…that seems to work well on our children, doesn't it?"
"Classic case of been there, done that, I guess."
"Yeah. Sit down."

Calleigh patted the spot on the couch next to her and Ryan sat down, wrapping his arms around his wife.

"So what are you gonna cook tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure. Spaghetti maybe."
"Oh, yes, make your famous spaghetti. That'll make her wanna come back."
"Good, that's all set then. I'll do some groceries tomorrow morning. Luckily it's my day off tomorrow."
"Horatio must've seen it coming."

Haylie suddenly turned around and glared at her parents.

"Okay, great that's all arranged. Can you please shut up now? I am trying to watch something here."

Calleigh and Ryan rolled their eyes in unison and stood up to take their youngest daughter to bed.

Fic: Never Let This Go

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 12:49:22 GMT

Title: Never Let This Go
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: Because I'll never let this go, but I can't find the words to tell you I don't wanna be alone, but now I feel like I don't know you.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: None.
Song: Paramore - Never Let This Go
A/N: Angsty fic I wrote when my friend Marloes was sleeping over. Apparently she makes me want to hurt my characters.

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Breathing, quick, frantic breathing.
Air, cold, dry air.
Darkness, blinding, surrounding darkness.
Voices, loud, screaming voices.
And pain. The nagging, unbearable pain.

It was chaos.

She didn't know what was going on, didn't know where everyone was. All she knew was that the sound of the gunshot was still ringing in her ear. Her vision was double, but she could make out the red liquid covering her hand as she lifted it from her stomach.

In the noise around her, she couldn't make out anything. High-pitched voices were screaming, children were crying loudly, a couple of authoritarian voices were yelling orders to each other, to the crowd, maybe to her but she didn't understand what they were saying. She heard the words, she just couldn't place them.

Please don't get me wrong

What could she remember? She had to try and remember. She knew it was important to think, important to stay conscious. She remembered a Hummer, she was in a Hummer. But she wasn't driving. No, there had been two Hummers, she had seen the other one in the right-side mirror. They were passing the limits, had to get somewhere, fast. They had ran through red lights, crossed intersections without letting right pass first.

They had stopped, rushed out of the car. She recalled taking her gun off her hip. Shots were fired just after they got out. Someone let out a yelp, a woman. She was knocked to the side by a tinted arm. Eric. She felt the recoil of her gun as she shot in the direction opposite of her, where the shots came from. Her magazine was empty, her gun made dry clicking sounds. Arms encircled her waist and she was dragged behind the car. Ryan. He handed her the things to reload her gun. Be careful, he told her. She nodded. Always.

She stepped away from the safety of the Hummer; saw Horatio in the distance, his gun smoking. She decided to go and help him. And then she went down. A ripping pain went through her stomach and she fell down onto the hard, stone ground. More shots were fired, someone called out for her. Who? She couldn't remember. She wanted to remember. A tear of defeat rolled down her cheek.

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

"Calleigh!"

Her name. She knew it was her name, so someone had to be calling for her. A figure kneeled next to her; she felt a hand on her cheek.

"Calleigh? Calleigh, look at me. Hey, Cal?" She saw a blurred face above her, she saw it twice. She tried to focus, tried to make it one, tried to at least make it sharper.

"The ambulance is on its way Cal, hold on, okay?"

But the sound of the voice made the vision unnecessary. It was Ryan, leaning over her, nudging her to stay awake, to stay with him. She gasped for breath and grabbed his arm with her hand. He took her hand in his and squeezed.

"I'm here."

He gently wiped the bottom of her eyes and the blurriness disappeared. It had been tears ruining her view.

One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
Just like I am tonight

She felt all the warmth slip away from her, being replaced by coldness, like someone was wrapping an icy blanket around her. She shivered. Ryan took his jacket off and laid it over her trembling body.
"Natalia, hand me your pull-over."
"What?"
"Your pull-over, give it to me."

Calleigh lay silently and listened to his orders. She saw him take a dark purple bundle from someone else; Natalia came into her line of sight, her eyes concerned. She kneeled down next to Calleigh and started applying pressure to the wound. Calleigh winced.

Ryan lifted her head and placed the purple bundle, Natalia's pull-over, under it.

"Damnit Calleigh, why didn't you wear your vest? Everyone was wearing a vest." He said, looking at the ground.

She swallowed, her throat dry.

"I…don't know." She spoke. Her voice sounded raspy, not like her at all.
Ryan looked up as if he hadn't meant to say it out loud. "Oh, Cal, don't worry. It's going to be alright. Really."

She didn't reply. She'd seen shootings, seen the chances on survival. And most importantly, she felt the pain she was going through, unsure of how much longer she could hold on.

Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

"The…rest?" She asked, causing her to struggle for breath for a few seconds after.
"We're fine Cal. Eric and Horatio are chasing the one who shot you, they're not gonna let him get away. Natalia got a nasty scare but her vest stopped the bullet. And I'm just worried about you right now."

Ryan ran his fingers through her hair. Calleigh searched for his hand, grasped it, and looked into his eyes. His beautiful, beautiful eyes.

"I'm with you. Just don't give in, alright?" He said.
"I…I…"
"Shh. Don't talk. Just stay awake."
"It hurts."
"I know. I know."

And she was aware of the fact that he knew. A bullet to the stomach must hurt as much as a nail to the eye. He'd gone through the pain, and he'd survived it, and now he was counting on her to be just as strong, and hold on too. This was a side of Ryan she hadn't seen much. He was vulnerable, because she was vulnerable, hurt, because she was hurt. It was like her emotions were shared with him through some invisible connection.

Sirens were heard in the distance, but Calleigh started to feel lightheaded. Her breathing sped up again and she felt the blood draining from her.

"Calm, Calleigh. They're almost here. Don't leave me now. You still owe me drinks." He tried to lighten the situation. She didn't laugh, didn't smile. Neither did he.

Let this go, let this go

Suddenly a wave of pain hit her and she cried out. That caused her to start coughing and she rolled onto her side, pushing herself up the best she could. Ryan's arm went around her shoulder, the other on her upper arm as he kept her from collapsing and made her feel warmer at the same time. She covered her mouth with her hand, and when she pulled it away it was covered in blood.

"Ryan…" She called out in a panicked voice.
"Oh God…"

She looked at him with big, fearful eyes. He pulled her close against him.

"Natalia, run ahead, lead the ambulance the right way and fill them in. We need to hurry, okay?" He ordered.
Natalia just nodded and ran off.

"I promised Horatio and Eric that I'd make sure you'd be okay. I'm not intending to break that promise Cal. You've got to help me here."

Calleigh leaned her head against his shoulder. The coughing had stopped and she was starting to feel numb from the pain. She heard the beating of Ryan's heart and his breathing, smelled his scent and his firm hold on her. Her eyes slowly blinked a couple of times before completely shutting on her. The last thing she remembered were Ryan's soft lips against her forehead.

But I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Her eyes didn't open for two full days, and when they finally did, it was so bright around her she had trouble believing that this was real. When her eyes got used to the amount of light around her, she immediately noticed the clean white sheets around her, and the IV sticking into her arm. She turned her head to see Ryan asleep in a chair, looking rather pale.

A nurse walked by and smiled. "Don't worry, he's alright. He donated some of his blood for transfusion to you, that's why he looks so drained. I'm sure it will get better soon. Glad to see you awake. The doctor will be with you after he finishes his surgery."

Calleigh just nodded. She lay quietly for a moment. Her stomach was irritating, but not even close to hurting her as much as before. She caught herself staring at Ryan. His hand was lying on the edge of her bed and she placed hers on top of it, tangling their fingers. The movement awoke him, and his face instantly seemed to get some of its color back when he saw her.

"Cal! Oh thank God." His eyes darted to the sky for a second. "How are you feeling?"
"A whole lot better." She answered, surprised at the sound of her voice. It sounded like her again.
"We were all so worried. We're taking turns in keeping you company. Well actually, they're trying too. I refused to leave last night. Horatio gave me the day off; I think he's feeling sorry for me."

"Why?" Calleigh asked.
"Because…well, I was with you when you reloaded your gun. If I'd kept you there for just a moment longer…"

Shaking her head, Calleigh pulled on his hand, causing him to lean closer to her.

"No, no, no. I left. I didn't pay attention when I got back up. I should have scanned the site to see where the shooters were. You had nothing to do with that."
"I could've been your back-up. I should have been."
"You were. You were with me so soon after I fell down, you kept me awake."
"No I didn't. You fainted anyway."
"I gave up on trying to stay awake because I felt safe, and I knew you would make sure I was alright."

Silence fell between the two of them, until Calleigh added: "And you did."
A weak smile lightened Ryan's face.

"It's probably a good thing Horatio gave you the day off." She stated.
"Why that?"
"I don't want to be alone." Calleigh said, swallowing.

Ryan leaned on the side of her bed, and brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"You'll never be alone."

He brought her hand to his face and kissed it softly, his eyes sparkling. A shiver ran down Calleigh's spine, but a different kind of shiver. A good shiver. This was a new Ryan she was seeing, a different side of him, but definitely a side that she wanted to see more often.

It was still chaos in her mind, but she knew that she didn't have to sort it out by herself. She was about to get to know him a lot better.

And I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don't know you

Fic: You Only Live Twice

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 19:01:12 GMT

Title: You Only Live Twice
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: And I realized that instant I'd been wrong. I'd lost my job, but not my life. I thought my job was my life, but as many, many times before, I forgot to think logically.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Pretty much season 5, especially from 522 Burned on.
Song: Enrique Iglesias - Tired Of Being Sorry
A/N: This song fitted perfectly with the end of season 5 so I had to use it.

I didn't know what I was doing. Hell, I still don't know what I was doing. What was I thinking to achieve? Save the lab's credibility, that's what I said. "I did it to protect all the people in this lab." Yeah, right. Like that was gonna stop Stetler from firing me. I had it coming. It was all my fault. I deserve every piece of what I got. And I got it good. I was fired, lost my job, my life. I screwed up. I just had to go and ruin everything I'd worked so hard for. What kind of an idiot am I? I had already used too many chances. Did too many stupid things. Wrecked too much of my life. I was a complete failure. A complete idiot. An idiot, a fool…name it all, I was it.

I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When in the rest of the world
With whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

And still…still she asked me to wait up. To wait for her. The tone in her voice was cold, distant…but she asked me to wait for her. The woman who I thought had lost all respect for me, all belief in me. She probably had. But I waited for her anyway. Because no matter what she wanted to say, to do, it couldn't possibly be worse than my current situation. She came up to me. Looked at me. Sighed. Probably thinking of something to say to me that wouldn't come out bitchy. It must've been hard for her.

"Thanks for waiting." She finally spoke.
"You're welcome."
"I want you to come to my place."
"Excuse me?"
"I want an explanation. I've gone without one for a while but I can't. So I want an explanation."
"At your place?"
"Someone once told me that when people are in their comfort zone, they feel confident enough to lie."
"And you want to make sure I don't lie to you."
"Yes."
"You know I'd never lie to you."

She shot me a look and I remembered. "I promise you Cal, I will never, ever, gamble again for the rest of my life. I've learned my lesson. Believe me. Please." Damn. I lied to her. I lied to…God I lied to her.

"I…Alright. Alright, I'll come. Your car or mine?"
"Mine."

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

She drove, naturally. I sat and kept my mouth shut. Didn't know what to say anyway. I stared at her; she stared at the road in front of her. I cleared my throat, but she kept on staring at the road. I didn't blame her. I could never blame her for anything. I thought about starting a conversation, but I knew she didn't want me to talk. Yet. She wanted me to talk after she had. So I sat and kept my mouth shut. I thought about what I was going to say when she did let me speak. Thought of a thousand ways to tell her why I lied to her. Thought of a million ways to tell her I was sorry and I never meant to hurt her. But I knew that no matter what I would tell her, it would never be good enough. Because she'd warned me. She'd tried to save me, but I ignored her and now I lost my job, my life. If only there was a way to make it all up to her. To make sure she knows I never meant to do it. If only there was a way to make her believe in me again.

8th and Ocean Drive
With all the vampires and their brides
We're all bloodless and blind
And longing for a life
Beyond the silver moon

She stopped the car abruptly. I didn't think we'd be there yet. I hadn't been to her place in a long time; I'd forgotten it wasn't that far away from the lab. She got out. I hurried after her because I was afraid that if I waited too long, she would simply lock the car with me in it. And enjoy it too. I caught up with her when she opened the door to her condo and stepped in. I followed quietly and looked around. She had changed her home. The colors were different…dark and warm. Inviting. I was still looking around when my eyes rested on her, arms crossed, tears in her eyes, hair loose…wait, tears in her eyes? No, no, wait. Why did she…I thought she…

"Cal? Are you…?"

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

"What in the world's name were you thinking?"

What in the world's name was I thinking? Yes, what was I thinking? It was the right question, because it's the only one that I couldn't answer myself honestly. But I didn't want to lie to her. Not again.

"I wasn't. That's…the whole problem. I wasn't thinking. And if I was thinking anything at all, I was thinking that I wouldn't hurt anyone, that it wouldn't matter. I made sure I didn't break any laws. But I didn't think…about anything else. My frien…colleagues' feelings. The effect it would have on my job…And I certainly didn't think that it would ever get this far. I didn't think that it would cause me to become a lying…jobless…selfish bastard. But it did. So…I just…I just didn't think at all."

"But then why? How could you be so stupid? You're not a stupid person. You have a working set of brain cells that I thought you were able to use! Why didn't listen to anything I told you? Am I that worthless to you?"
"No, NO! Don't you ever think this was about you! Don't believe that I did it to not listen to you. I listened to you, Calleigh, I did, and I understood, and I promised…and I broke that promise, I know. I'm an idiot. But I cannot tell you why. I want to, I just…can't. I can't even explain it to myself."
"Well you better damn try, Ryan Wolfe, because I've gone through the past week thinking about what I ever did wrong."
"Why are you blaming yourself for this? I gambled. I screwed up. I brought everyone into this mess. What makes you think you had anything to do with it? You didn't. It was all me."
"No. It has never been just you."

So far away, so outer space
I've trashed myself, I've lost my way
I've got to get to you
Got to get to you

"It's neve…what do you mean?"
"Somehow I get involved in everything you do, Ryan. Either I'm the cause of it, or I talk to you about it…this time I'm the victim of it."
"I didn't mean for you to be."
"That's a little late now, isn't it? It's already happened. And I don't care that you didn't listen to me, I don't care about you breaking your promise. But I do care about every time I walk through the lab, expecting you to break out of a room, joking with me, or complimenting me, or just…smiling at me. I do care about that because it's driving me crazy. I miss you, Ryan. I miss you, and I can't believe you're not my partner anymore. Because I trained you, I put so much effort into making you believe in yourself. And you never did, even though I kept telling you you could do it. And now you did it. You believed in yourself, you believed yourself when you said gambling couldn't hurt you and look…here we are now."

Oh boy she's so right. She nailed right on top. She knows exactly what happened. What's happening. She knows.

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

"You're right."
"What?"
"You're right. What you just said…it's true. I believed my own lies. And it's made me into a jerk. But it has not made me into a fool. So right now, this jerk is gonna act on his feelings, his heart for once in his life, instead of using his brains that seem to have a little dead spot somewhere."

She held her breath and I had the feeling so did I.

"Calleigh, I won't deny that I have been incredibly stupid, selfish, you name it, honestly. I have been. And I know that saying sorry doesn't solve the situation for me. It never has and never will. So I won't say sorry. I do apologize. Just not by saying sorry. And…right now I'm really hoping that I've interpreted you right. But if I didn't…well…I already am an idiot…so being a bastard couldn't really make it much worse."
"Where are you going?"
"I…am not going anywhere." God I sound like Horatio. "I'm staying right here. With you."

I swallowed. Stepped forward. Brought my hands up to her face…I can't really remember what I did after that. Well, beside the fact that I kissed her. And she kissed me back.

And I realized that instant I'd been wrong. I'd lost my job, but not my life. I thought my job was my life, but as many, many times before, I forgot to think logically. My job wasn't my life. She was. She is. She always will be.

Our kiss grew more passionate, and our hands grew more courageous. And for the first time in a long, long period I knew what was going to happen. And I knew the consequences. And I knew all the reasons why we shouldn't. But I chose to believe, not in myself, but in her. And I let her lead me down the hall, through an open door, onto a perfectly made up bed. And I knew that in the morning, I'd still be an idiot. But a very content idiot, with a huge grin plastered on his face.

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

They say cats have nine lives. And when I woke up the next morning, in a bed that wasn't mine, with her in my arms, I knew I had at least two. My first life was filled with mistakes and wrong choices, but it was done, it was over. My new life had begun the minute I opened my eyes that morning and I was destined to make it the best life a person could ever have. And I was destined to spend every second I could with her. Because she gave me a second chance at life, and I will never be able to thank her enough for it.

Fic: Equal Love

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 20:18:57 GMT

Title: Equal Love
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: "Sometimes it seems to me that because she wasn't planned, it's like you don't love her as much."
Rating: K+
Spoilers: My previous fic in this series: "You're the One for Me".
Song: None.
A/N: Part of my 'Family Portrait' series. Probably one of my favorite fics ever. (written by me, that is.)

"Aww, mom, do we have to go?"
"Yes, you have to go. No discussion."
"But I hate these days." Tim exclaimed.
"Me too." Ryan and Haylie supported him.
"I can't believe you guys. And most of all I can't believe you, Ryan Wolfe. Rebecca is your daughter, for God sakes!"
"I know that, Cal, hun, it's not about her. It's just that I've been to about two dozen of these days for Tim and Haylie already."
"And we've been to a lot also!" Haylie once again supported her father.
"You've only been to like, 3." Tim commented.
"Shut up, that is not true!"

"Haylie, watch your tone. And I know that we've been to quite a few, I was there too, but this is another daughter, and she has just as much right to show her talents to her parents and siblings as Tim and Haylie had."

Ryan tried again. "I know she does! I'm just saying…"
"Something that doesn't make sense, exactly. Now stop complaining, all three of you, and get ready. We're running late, again, thanks to your whining. Get your coats, get going."

Calleigh watched them all take off in opposite directions and shook her head, checking her watch again. Walk-in days at school weren't exactly her favorite business either, but her youngest daughter expected them to go, and as for all of her children, she wanted to show interest in her youngest daughter's life. But when everyone was all set and ready to jump into the car, the daughter that was most important today was nowhere to be found.

Tim and Haylie searched all the bedrooms, front to back, left to right, while Ryan and Calleigh looked in the living room, kitchen and study. But no Rebecca. The bathroom wasn't occupied either.

"Rebecca? Rebecca, where are you? Where the hell could she have gone?" Calleigh asked Ryan with concerned eyes.
"She can't be far. She was right here with us before, and we were standing in the hallway, so she can't have gone out the front door either."
"Do you think she ran out the back door? Oh God what if something happened to her?"
"Hey, hey, calm down. Let's just go ask the neighbors if they saw anything."
"We don't need to."

Tim emerged halfway down the stairs, followed by Haylie.

"You should come and see this."

Ryan and Calleigh followed them up the stairs and into Haylie's room, which had a nice view of the playground not far behind their backyard. There, on a swing, sat Rebecca, softly swaying from one side to another, but not really swinging.

One by one they made their way back downstairs and outside, towards the playground. Rebecca looked up when she saw them approaching and jumped off the swing, but instead of running towards them, she ran away from them.

Ryan started a sprint and caught Rebecca when she had almost exited the playground. He playfully lifted her and threw her up over his shoulder before turning back and walking towards the rest of his family.

"Let me go! Daddy! Let me go, put me down!" Rebecca cried. She hit his back with her fist, causing Ryan to almost drop her. He put her down, but held her arm.
"Hey, what was that all about? I almost dropped you there."
"Let me go!" She cried out again.

Ryan pulled his hand back and threw Calleigh a very meaningful look. She got down to eye-level with her little girl.

"Hey now, what's going on? Why those teary eyes sweetheart?" She said tenderly. When Rebecca didn't answer, she continued: "It's time to go to your school. Are you coming?"

Rebecca was still silent, and Calleigh tilted her head. "I thought you were gonna show me that nice painting you made."
"I only wanna go with you." Rebecca whispered.
"What sweetie? I didn't hear you."
"I only wanna go with you." Rebecca said a little louder now.

Tim and Ryan both raised a brow. It was scary to see how much they were alike. Haylie crossed her arms and looked questioningly.

"And why is that?" Calleigh asked lightly.
"Because they hate to go anyway."
"Wait up now Becca; we wanna go see what you made." Ryan jumped in.
"No you don't! I heard you say it!" Rebecca yelled, tears running down her cheeks.
"We didn't really mean that Becky. We really wanna go." Tim tried.
"I don't want you to come. You all hate me. I don't want you to come! I wanna go with you mommy!"

Calleigh pulled her youngest daughter close to her and lifted her up while she stood up straight. "It's alright baby, we'll go together. Don't cry now."

She shot her husband and two other children a furious look. If you upset one of Calleigh's children, you upset her, and it didn't matter whether you were an outsider or family.

"I hope you three will enjoy yourselves at home. I will deal with you later." She said coldly before walking back inside with Rebecca in her arms.

Ryan, Tim and Haylie stayed behind on the grass. Haylie slumped down on a swing. "Well…I'd say that went fairly well."
Ryan shot her a look. "That's not funny Haylie. Rebecca is your sister."
"Hey, you were agreeing with us just as much, so don't lecture me."
"Don't talk to me like that. But you're right."

They were silent for a moment.

"Well, aren't we gonna go after them?" Tim asked.
"Rebecca doesn't want us to come." Haylie replied.
"Well sometimes I don't want things, but they happen anyway."
"Cleaning your room being one of them, right?" Ryan joked.
"Ha-ha. Very funny dad. Now are we gonna go or what?"
"Alright, let's go."

They made their way to the front of the house, but their car was already gone. Calleigh hadn't wasted any time in leaving them behind, and deep inside they knew they deserved it.

"Great." Haylie exclaimed. "Now what?"

In the meantime, Calleigh and Rebecca had reached the school. Rebecca had wiped her eyes and was now telling her mother about what she was going to show her, with a bright smile on her face.

"Sounds good honey. Well, we're here now, so why don't you lead me around?"

They got out of the car and Rebecca grabbed her mother's hand, dragging her to the classroom. Inside, she showed her mother her table, her pen and her books. Calleigh turned pages of every notebook and complimented every single drawing. Rebecca smiled and told her mother stories she'd never heard about before. She was in her element.

Later on, Calleigh was having a small talk with Rebecca's teacher, while Rebecca herself did an assignment with a boy from her class.

"Rebecca is a very eager student, as were Tim and Haylie." The teacher smiled. "She understands things quickly, she likes to be here, which is a great help. I think she'll be a wonderful student the coming years. I expect great things of her."

Calleigh felt flattered, even though the compliment was directed at her daughter. After all, they were her genes…partly.

"At home she's the same. Always wanting to help, always on top of things."
"You can see that from her. She can draw fairly well for a six-year-old."
"She likes that, a lot. She's always taking a pencil with her, wherever she goes. It surprises me that she hasn't ruined the walls yet."

They laughed and from the corner of her eye, Calleigh saw three familiar faces walk in. Her eyes widened slightly.

"Excuse me."

She walked over to them. "How did you get here?"
"We walked." Ryan replied.
"Walked? It's like a 25 minute walk."
"Yeah, that might be the reason why we're a little later than planned. Sorry."

By this time, Rebecca had noticed them. But instead of the expected and feared tantrum, she ran over to them and started pulling her brother's hand.

"Come see what I'm doing, come see!"
"Alright Becca, I'm coming."

Tim and Haylie walked over to check out the assignment she'd been working on and Ryan stayed behind in the doorstep with Calleigh.

"I'm really sorry Cal. We all are. We didn't mean to hurt Rebecca, you know that. We didn't mean for her to hear that."
"She's young, Ryan. She needs to know that her family shows interest in her."
"And we do. I was just having a moment of being an ass, alright? I really don't want to be anywhere else right now."
"Sometimes it seems to me that because she wasn't planned, it's like you don't love her as much."
"Calleigh!"

Ryan didn't raise his voice, but he changed his tone enough for her to know that he disagreed.

"I'm not going into this right now. We'll discuss this later." He added, and walked over to his children. "What are you doing Becca?"

Calleigh stayed in the doorstep and sighed deeply. She knew this wasn't over. And it wasn't. When they went back home, and all the children were asleep, Ryan turned off the TV and turned to face her on the couch.

"How dare you suggest I don't love Rebecca?" He asked.
"I never said you don't love Rebecca. But sometimes it just seems to me that you dread doing things with her. You were never too tired to play with Tim, and you were always there to explain homework to Haylie, even if you had much more important things to do. And now you don't even want to go to a walk-in night at school for Rebecca."
"I did want to go. I only said I hated the evenings. I don't hate Rebecca! I can't believe you think I'm ignoring my daughter."
"Well obviously she thinks you do."

Ryan brought a hand to his head and averted his eyes from her.

"Yes, she misunderstood and I'll make sure to talk to her. Listen, Cal, we walked all the way over there just to show her we do want to be there with her so don't sermon me, alright? You know I love Rebecca just as much as I do Tim and Haylie. I don't care that she wasn't planned, she's our daughter and I love her very much. The only thing is that things get a little boring the third time. Just sometimes. Things like evenings like these. That doesn't mean I don't love my daughter."
"Then please, please, just be enthusiastic about something she does, for once. You don’t know how heartbroken she was when you weren't at her dance show last week."
"Horatio called me in, that was not my fault Cal!" Ryan hissed.
"I know that, but you have to make up for it somehow, and this would've been the perfect opportunity and instead you decided to ruin it. You, and Tim, and Haylie. Those two will also hear from me, later."

Ryan looked her straight in the eye, and his look changed from furious to hurt.

"What do you want to hear?"
"I don't want to hear anything. I want to see you spend time with your youngest daughter. Tim and Haylie are at an age where they want to be around us as less as possible, but Rebecca is six. She needs to be around us. And we need to be around her."
"And I want to be around her. Calleigh, I don't think you know how much I enjoy this, our life, our family. I love Tim, Haylie and Rebecca equally as much, and most importantly I still love you with every breath I take. Don't be mad at me. You know I never meant to hurt Rebecca's feelings, nor yours."
"You're right." Calleigh spoke after a while of silence. "I know you didn't, and I know you do. I'm sorry."
"You're keeping her from being hurt Cal, and that's good…but she isn't. I'm not gonna hurt her, just like I've never hurt you."

Calleigh smiled weakly and Ryan leaned in and kissed her. She kissed him back and leaned her head on his shoulder. Ryan was a perfect husband and a perfect father, and she despised herself for doubting it.

"Don't worry Cal." He said softly.

Suddenly Rebecca stood before them.

"Daddy?"
"Hey princess. Where did you come from? You haven't been eavesdropping all this time, have you?" Ryan teased. Rebecca shook her head.
"Good girl. What are you doing here?"
"I don't want you to fight with mommy."

Ryan smiled and looked at Calleigh, who was smiling also. He lifted Rebecca and put her on his lap.

"All mommies and daddies fight sometimes, but don't you worry, because we always make up, and we'll always love you."
"Promise?"
"I promise. Now let's get you into bed, alright? You need to be awake at school tomorrow."

Still holding her, Ryan stood up.

"Say goodnight to mommy."
"Goodnight mommy."
"Goodnight sweetheart. Sleep well."

Calleigh stayed on the couch as Ryan winked and walked towards the bedroom to ensure Rebecca got the rest she needed. She caught the last few words as they walked onto the stairs and felt satisfied and reassured by what she heard.

"I love you daddy."
"And I love you too princess. I love you too."

Fic: Perfect

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 12:57:24 GMT

Title: Perfect
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: All I wanted to do was watch. Just stand there and stare at her. It sounds pathetic; I know that, but if watching her made me pathetic, then so be it. As long as I could keep on watching.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: None.
Song: Secondhand Serenade - Broken & Di-rect - She
A/N: <3333

In the moonlight, your face it glows like a thousand diamonds,
I suppose. And your hair falls like the ocean breeze.
- Secondhand Serenade ; Broken

Who would not fall in love with that look in her eyes, or that smile?
She's an angel
Who would not feel the bliss after one single kiss from her lips?
She's an angel
- Di-rect ; Angel

She…she always looked perfect. She could wear jeans, like every other person, but they looked better on her than on anyone. She could wear things that looked absolutely hideous on other people, but simply fantastic on her. She could wear all black, and still look like the brightest star in the night sky. She could combine colors that normally made people turn away in disgust, but when she wore it, they would stare at her, for all the right reasons. She simply couldn't look ugly, never.

But apparently she could look even more beautiful than she normally did. She seldomly wore a dress. It just didn't go with the line of duty, and I never really saw her outside of work, except when we went for our weekly after-shift drink. But she had never worn a dress to those. Not once. It's a shame though, because when I saw her, in that light blue summer dress, the edges swaying in the wind, I swear my heart stopped beating for a second.

She was bare-feet. Her toes jiggled in the sand as she walked alongside the sea, not minding that her feet got washed over by waves from time to time. I saw her shoes in her hand, those high-heeled white ones that I loved on her. They made her taller, which was why she wore them often, but I liked them just because they made her look elegant.

And her hair…she had it loose. In the years I've worked with her, I hardly ever saw her hair loose. It was in a ponytail, most of the time, easy and useful. Sometimes it was in a plait. I had a little game to pull it gently whenever she did that. She would stare at me, pretending to be mad, but she couldn't stop her smile from coming out. She liked it. I know she did.

I could see she was deep in thought, and she hadn't seen me yet. She had no idea that someone was watching her every move, admiring her every move. Because I admire her, so much. She was my deity, the person I looked up to. I lived my life telling people she'd made me who I was, I learned everything I know from her. Not just work related. She taught me things about life, things only she knew. And she shared them with me. I never told anyone else, it was our secret. Step by step we figured life out, together.

But love…love was a thing neither of us could ever figure out. So much bad luck, so many heartbreaks. We would sit together and talk about our latest mistake. Still, we didn't spend a lot of time together, really. We worked together, but we didn't discuss our love lives while analyzing DNA or matching fibers. Of course we didn't. We came together once a week, in a little bar close to my place. We went there because we were certain no one we knew would be there too. We had our privacy there. We sat at the table in the back. Always. If it was taken, we'd wait outside till it wasn't.

It had started that one day…sex offender's case…the entire lab thought we had a huge fight. It was just a quarrel really, a disagreement. It was nothing. We laughed about it when we solved the case. And we talked. She said a killer was a killer, no matter what circumstances. I asked her if she really meant that. Personally she didn't, but professionally she did. I should ask her again in an hour, over a beer. And I did. She was in the locker room, getting ready to leave, and I asked her out. Not really on a date. It wasn't a date. I just wanted to know her point of view on the matter. I know I would learn from it. So I asked her. And she said yes.

I suggested the bar, and she agreed. And we talked. About work, at first. It was our comfort zone. Both of us could discuss it without getting too personal. I didn't mind all that much. At least I was talking to her, and just to her. I had fun, although I'm not sure if she would classify it as 'fun'. I enjoyed it. I think she appreciated it as well. She didn't really have a place to pour her heart out. Not that she would if she had such a place. She was very private.

When we split up, she said that we should do it again sometime. I suggested I'd take her home, but she insisted on walking on her own. I didn't let her go. I couldn't let her go. I would never forgive myself if something happened while she was walking home. After all, I had suggested a place so far from her home. I said I'd walk with her then. She insured me it wasn’t necessary. I said I agreed, but I would anyway. She knew it was a lost deal to argue with me, so she let me walk her home. I wonder, when I said goodbye to her and walked away, I wonder if she worried about me as well. After all, I had to walk the entire way back. But I think she trusted I would be okay. I think she trusted me.

It took us two weeks to go a second time. It had been quite a rough case, a baby was smothered. She took it hard, but tried to hide it. It's funny that when she tries with everything in her power to hide something, everyone notices it. And I did notice it. So, in lack of something better to say, I told her I was going for a drink, and I didn't feel like going alone. I remember the look in her eyes. She was thankful. At least it looked like she was. So we went. We talked about work, again, but this time we went deeper. We talked about our feelings, our opinions about the work.

And then we started going more regularly. We ended up going once a week. Mostly on Fridays, unless we had a reason to go on another day. It took a long while to start talking about our feelings outside of work though. I believe it started that day when I froze up in a shootout. We continued the talk we'd had in the locker room. I think since that time we just talked openly about things that were bothering us, work related or not. I started telling her about my love life first. Not to taunt her, not at all, just because I needed advice, and I know she could give me it. She was the one that told me Natalia was nothing for me, and I was the one that told her the same thing for Jake. She didn't listen to me though. So I was the one to hold her together after he ran off.

It wasn't Friday that day. It was Wednesday. I don't know why I followed her; it wasn't like we'd agreed to go do something. After all, it wasn't Friday. The case hadn't been particularly special either. It wasn't something we couldn't deal with. I didn't need to talk to her. I just…wanted to talk to her. But somehow, as I was looking at her, walking down that beach, hair waving in the wind, dress falling lightly around every curve of her body, I couldn't walk up and talk to her. All I wanted to do was watch. Just stand there and stare at her. It sounds pathetic; I know that, but if watching her made me pathetic, then so be it. As long as I could keep on watching.

And I did. I watched her near dance in the sand. She looked genuinely happy there, it seemed like the world around her didn't matter to her for a moment. Which was odd, because the world around her was the most important thing in her life. Her family, her friends… I considered myself her friend. I considered her my best friend. She was the one I talked to, the one I trusted with my secrets. I trusted her with my life. I would lay my heart in her hands if I had to. Because I know she would never let me down. Whatever she would do, would be my best option. Even if she would shatter my heart into pieces, I was convinced that was the right thing to do. I wouldn't say I worshipped her, but I definitely think that she was my first real love. And I think it showed.

For a moment I didn't pay attention, and when I looked again, she was gone. My heart raced. Where was she? Did she leave while I didn't notice? No, that was impossible. Her car was behind me, and I surely would've noticed if she passed by me. Then I saw her. She'd sat down in the sand, arms around her knees, her shoes still dangling from her hands. And even though I was content with looking at her, something told me I should go and talk to her. I didn't really mind, because if there was one thing I loved more than her appearance, it was her soothing southern voice. I'm not sure if every southern person has it, or even every southern woman. All I'm sure of is that whenever she spoke, I felt myself relaxing. Except of course when she was yelling at me, but when she was yelling at me, she used her 'Miami' voice. When she talked to me in private she used her 'Louisiana' voice. Not a difficult question which one I liked more.

So, with my mind set on talking to her, although I had no idea what about, I stepped onto the sand. Within seconds my shoes were filled with sand, so I followed her example and took them off. One of the advantages of sand was that she didn't hear me coming. She didn't realize I was there until I was practically sitting down next to her. She didn't jump, or look at me, or say anything at all. She just kept on sitting, kept on staring at the ocean. Like she was in some kind of a trance. I sat down next to her and followed her stare for a while. And eventually, after all the silence, she spoke up.

"It's not Friday."

I smiled. I kind of figured that one out for myself, but I wasn't going to say that to her. After all, she was merely stating the obvious, which was always a good way to start a conversation.

"Does it need to be Friday for me to talk to you?"
"Not specifically. But we don't normally meet up after work on Wednesday."
"Technically, we didn't meet up. You were here and…well, I am here too."
"So…is there a reason why you're here?"

She finally tore her look away from the ocean and looked at me. Yes, there was something I liked more than her appearance and her voice. Those mysterious, glimmering deep green eyes… Yes they're part of her appearance, but still…they were special. I'd never seen anyone with eyes quite like hers. I don't know what her parents had done to God, but damn did he repay them good.

"Do I need a reason to be here?"
"No. But there must be a reason why you spend half an hour just looking at your colleague walking on the beach."

My eyes must've widened in confusion. How did she know…? But then again it didn't really surprise me. Of course she knew. She knew those sorts of things. Yet she hadn't made me aware of her knowledge. It probably was part of her little plan. Whatever that plan was.

"It depends. Do you have a reason to be here?"
"Yes I do. I love the beach. Makes me feel free. You know that."
"I meant whether you have a reason to be here, today."
"Ah…then say what you mean."

She could tease like the best, I knew that. But I also knew that when she teased, she usually had something to hide. Her own feelings. When she teased me, she tried to change the topic, steer it away from where it was heading, get me to respond to her teasing and forget what I was asking before. It has worked on me a couple of times, but I wasn't gonna let it work now.

"Alright then. I mean: 'do you have a reason to be here, on the beach, today?'".
"Yes I do. I thought it would be good to come here and unwind." She said, tucking a strain of hair behind her ear.
"Unwind? It wasn't that hard of a case today, was it?"
"Some people actually have a life outside of work Ryan, believe it or not."

I knew she hadn't meant to attack me like that. But I didn't take her first hint that she didn't want to talk about it, and well, she never much liked that in me.

"Family trouble?" I asked, carefully choosing my next steps.
"No, for once, everything in my family is fine."
"Oh, well, that's good then, isn't it?" I risked a grin.
"Yeah," she smiled back, "that is good."
"So…no work trouble, no family trouble…love life trouble it is then, huh?"
"It could be trouble with a friend."
"Ah, but if it was trouble with a friend, you would've denied my assumption that it is about your love life."

She raised an eyebrow and rolled her eyes, letting out an amused sigh. I liked it when she did that, because that meant she wasn't mad at me, even though I might have done something to cause that reaction.

"Point taken. Yes, it's love life trouble. Sort of."
"So…even though it's not Friday," I emphasized, "do you wanna talk about it?"
"Uhm…I'm not sure."
"You know you can, right? I'll listen."

She suddenly stood up and I wondered whether I'd done something wrong, said something wrong. But, to my ears, what I'd just said to her was a brilliant thing to say. Was my definition of brilliant so different from hers?

"What are you doing?"
"Listen, Ryan…No, don't stand up. Just listen. You know how my love life has been. I've told you all about it; you've been there through some of it. I'm not sure…I don't want to get hurt again."
"Get hurt again? Wait…is there someone…?"

She slowly started to walk away from me. Not far, but still… Why was she walking away from me? I didn't want her to walk away from me; I wanted her to walk towards me, sit back down next to me, close to me, perhaps lean against me. Anything but walking away from me.

"There is. It's hard to explain…"
"Say, if you don't want me to stand up, you'll have to talk a little louder, especially seeing you're walking more and more away from me."
"It's complicated," She indeed talked louder now, "I don't know how to tell you this…"
"Well…I'd say give it a go, because…uh…walking away isn't gonna get the wanted effect."
"I know, I know, I'm looking for words, okay? I…"

I stood up now. I didn't mind that she had told me to stay seated; she was too busy thinking of a way to tell me whatever it was she wanted to tell me to notice. That, plus this way I could try to get a little closer to her. She kept her distance from me though.

"Ryan…I think I'm falling in love with you." She said. Not very loud, but quite loud enough for me to hear. I took a few steps towards her.

"Wh…what did you say?"

"I said," she started, turning towards me now, "I think I'm in love with you."

I closed the distance between us and asked her, again: "What?"

She looked at her feet shortly before taking a deep breath in and looking into my eyes.

"I'm in love with you."

She said it without hesitation, without doubt, and without any sign of dishonesty. I gathered her into my arms and spun her around. She wrapped her arms around my neck and squealed, a high, happy sound in her southern accent. Her 'Louisiana' voice.

"Don't you ever worry about me hurting you. I could never hurt you because I love you too, Calleigh. I love you too." I said as I'd put her down again.

She smiled at me and I saw her eyes watering. I let one hand leave her waist, while the other one still had a firm hold on her, and wiped the bottom of her eyes. She'd never been the one to cry and I didn't want that to change for me.

"I kind of already heard you the first time, by the way."

She chuckled through her tears. I kept my hand on her cheek as I leaned in and her eyes fluttered close. Her arms tightened around my neck and pulled me closer. Our lips touched. For a second I thought I should pull back, I shouldn't force her to do this, but her hand was tangled in my hair, and she didn't seem to object in any way, so I gave into temptation and kissed her. And she kissed me back. I can't remember ever being so happy. I could go on kissing her for an eternity and never, ever get tired of it.

Somewhere I hoped that no other colleagues had thought of going to the beach tonight, but on the other hand, I didn't mind at all. Because if they had, they could see us, see how happy I was, see how much I love her. Because I did. I do.

I never really believed that we couldn't be together. And in the end, I guess I'm glad I didn't.

"Ryan? What are you doing outside?"
"Just thinking, Cal. Just thinking."
"Well how about you come back inside and think there, with me?"

I turn around and see her standing there, looking at me with those beautiful eyes. I lean against the balcony railing as she steps closer to me, her hands on my chest.

"It's our honeymoon for a reason, you know." She says.
"I know that, love. It's our honeymoon for the simple reason that you're my wife now. Now and for the rest of our lives."
"Exactly." She smiles at me and her hands slide over my arms until she grabs my hands, her wedding ring shining in the moonlight.

"Now come. It's late."

I take one last look over my shoulder, at the beautiful view from our balcony, but I turn back rather quick. To me, the best view is, and will always be her. Because she…she always looks perfect.

Fic: Decent

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:44:03 GMT

Title: Decent
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: "So he…I mean you liked him?" "I think so. I don't know. He was different. He was the first guy in a long time that I could just talk to without feeling like he was undressing me with his eyes." Ryan let out a laugh. "I don't mean to ruin your dream here, but there's not a sane man in the world that doesn't undress you with his eyes."
Rating: K+
Spoilers: 407 Urban Hellraisers
Song: Avril Lavigne - Runaway
A/N: Anyone who hates Peter Elliot raise your hand! Anyone who loves this story raise your hand! *cricket* Yeah, figures.

I just wanna scream and lose control,
Throw my hands up and let it go.
Forget about everything and run away, yeah.
I just wanna fall and lose myself,
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell.
Forget about everything and run away, yeah.

The garage of the Miami-Dade Crimelab was a good place to go to if you wanted to be alone. Aside from CSIs having to process a car down there, people avoided the place. This made it perfect for anyone that needed to think, drown in sorrow and self-pity or cry. The first two could very well apply to the blond woman vacating the garage right now, Ryan Wolfe thought as he entered. But with her hair in a ponytail, dirt on her face, and wearing a jumpsuit, she didn't look like she was crying. It made sense, because Ryan had never seen Calleigh Duquesne cry. Then again, Ryan had never seen Calleigh Duquesne in a jumpsuit either.

"Great hiding spot."
"Not great enough, apparently."
"Hey, if you want me to leave, I'm gone."
"No, it's fine. It's not like being alone is making me feel any better."

Ryan moved in. "Yeah, I heard. Peter Elliot huh?"

"Peter Elliot indeed."
"I'm sorry. Anything I can do?"
"Get me a decent guy?"

Chuckling, Ryan watched her sit down on the car seat she'd just pulled out of the car. She wasn't going to bite. Not right now.

"There are enough of those, honestly." He said.
"Sure, and they all live in Europe."
"I doubt that."

His OCD was keeping him from kneeling in front of her, so instead he sat down on the other car seat, next to her. She turned to him and sighed.

"I just don't understand them. Why did John tell Peter that me and him were back together? I made it quite clear that we weren't."
"Oh, I believe you."
"And why didn't Peter check with me? I mean, he was in love with me, right? Not with Hagen."

Ryan shifted in his seat.

"Peter really did have a chance with you, didn’t he?"
"Yes. And he blew it."
"So he…I mean you liked him?"
"I think so. I don't know. He was different. He was the first guy in a long time that I could just talk to without feeling like he was undressing me with his eyes."

Ryan let out a laugh.

"I don't mean to ruin your dream here, but there's not a sane man in the world that doesn't undress you with his eyes."

A blush crept up Calleigh's cheeks. "Now Ryan."

"It's just one of those days, huh?"
"Yeah." She agreed. "I feel like throwing a tantrum, pretending like I'm 5 years old, you know?"
"I do. I do know."

Silence fell over them until Calleigh thought of something to break it with. "Peter told me that one of our video guys send him to prints instead of QD."

A grin appeared on Ryan's face.

"It was you, wasn't it?" Calleigh asked.
"Guilty."
"Why? I mean he was here for a case."
"Not true. He didn't give a damn about the case; the fact that he let that girl walk proves it. He was just here to impress you."
"So you send him the wrong way?"
"I guess. He doesn't even know who I am anyway."

Calleigh made an amused face. "Do I detect a flicker of jealousy, Ryan Wolfe?"

"What? Me? No. Hey, at least I saw through this guy."
"True. And at least you're not engaged while you're flirting with me. Are you?"
"Am I what? Engaged or flirting with you?"
"I know you're flirting with me mister. I meant if you're engaged."
"Me engaged? Please. Besides, you'd be the first to know, I promise." Ryan said.
"Thanks, I'd appreciate that."

"You know what; you're actually not as bad as all the other men." Calleigh stated.
"I have European ancestors, honestly."
"Sure you do."

They looked at each other and started laughing. Calleigh had to admit she felt relieved, a bit better. Until realization dawned on her. Then she felt a lot better.

"So, no sane man can help but to undress me with his eyes, huh?"
"I think so." Ryan agreed.
"So, how do I look naked?" Calleigh asked, smirking.
"Ah…I said no sane man. I clearly remember you calling me crazy when I first got here." Ryan stammered.
"Nice excuse there mister."
"I think Valera's calling for me. Gotta go, see you later."
"Run while you can Ryan, run while you can."

Ryan didn't let her tell him twice. With a wink, he stood up and walked towards the exit.

"Hey Ryan?" Calleigh called after him.
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"I guess that a guy that undresses me with his eyes isn't so bad if he manages to cheer me up as well."
"See you later?"
"Of course."
"And Cal, just in case you're wondering, I think you can do way better than Peter Elliot. I'm convinced of it."
"We'll see in time."
"Let me know when you find out."

And with those words, Ryan let her be alone again. He had never seen Calleigh Duquesne cry, and he didn't think he would anytime soon. But Calleigh Duquesne dressed in a jumpsuit was something he could add to his memory. And it wasn't a bad memory at all.

Fic: It's Not Over

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 16:25:21 GMT

Title: It's Not Over
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You must hate me." Calleigh said. "Not a million fights can make me hate you, and you know that." Ryan replied. "I thought you were dead. Blown up." "I'm alright. A bit shaken and a tad dirty, but okay."
Rating: K+
Spoilers: The CSI:Miami book 'Harm for the Holidays: Misgivings' (or is it heart attack?) by Donn Cortez, because I loved the necklace part so much I couldn't resist.
Song: Secondhand Serenade - It's Not Over
A/N: Especially for mildani, who requested this fic to be posted soon.

My tears run down like razorblades
I know I'm not the one to blame
It's you, or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

It started out like any other day for Calleigh Duquesne. She awoke from her alarm clock beeping and squeezed her eyes shut for the ray of sunlight sneaking through the crack in the curtains, falling right over her eyes. After silently listening to the news and weather report, she sat up and turned off the radio. And that's when she noticed that the other side of the bed was empty. Memories drifted back into her mind as she walked into the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. She went for a quick shower and when she came back into the kitchen, fully dressed, a pot of hot steaming coffee was waiting for her. She poured herself a cup and took a sip, the hot liquid streaming down her throat. The routine always got her ready for work. In her line of duty she couldn't afford to be lethargic. Errors couldn't be made, or she would lose her job, and the lab would lose its credibility. Not to mention a killer would get away. But even the refreshing shower combined with her now second cup of coffee couldn't keep her mind from wondering today.

The fight had been ridiculous, Ryan Wolfe knew. He had said things he didn't mean, and she had said things she didn't mean. Or at least he hoped that she hadn't meant them. But the fact that this was the first time in months that he'd woken up alone hadn't escaped his mind. Sighing deeply he took a bite of his cereal, only to find out he wasn't hungry. He knew his stomach would protest sooner or later, but he placed the bowl in the sink. It was strange, he thought, normally he would've washed it off immediately, but even his OCD, better known as obsessive compulsive disorder, seemed to sense that he felt miserable enough without cleaning everything until it shone so bright it hurt his eyes. Some people had made fun of him for it. She had accepted it as something that made him who he was. And he had loved her for it. They hadn't takes separate cars to work for a long, long time, he realized as he was waiting for a red traffic light. It felt strange not to flip a coin to decide who was going to drive and who was going to sit in the passenger's seat. He'd just sat down behind the wheel and drove away.

Calleigh arrived at the lab first. She didn't inform anyone of her situation. Her private life was, and had always been, nobody's business but hers. Sometimes she let a little bit slip, but most of the time she regretted it only seconds after telling it. So she put on a fake smile, even though she knew everyone could see through it. He had been a master in that. Seeing through her fake smile, her serious face and her cold tone. No. Don't think about that now. Don't think about him now. Just focus. Fake smile, serious face, cold tone. You've done it a million times, and you're going to do it again. She walked towards the ballistics lab. Maybe if she told Horatio she was backed up, he wouldn't send her out on a case. But she knew better. She was never backed up. Always on schedule, always up-to-date. He wouldn't fall for her excuse. She believed in karma, but she also believed that karma was going to bite her in the ass today. And she probably deserved it too. Yes, she definitely deserved it. She had said terrible things. Things that, if said to her, would've broken her heart, shattered it into a thousand pieces.

Ryan arrived at the same time as Eric did. He knew conversation was inevitable if he got out of the car. So he pretended to be looking for something. For good measure, he pretended to receive a phone call as well. It worked, because Eric looked at him, then turned and made his way inside. At least Ryan would have a little more time to think of a response that actually made sense to any questions his colleagues might have for him. Or God forbid, Calleigh herself. He'd thought about calling in sick, but he realized that Calleigh would then have to think of a diagnosis for him, and no matter how bad their fight had been, how much she'd hurt him, he didn't want to put her in that position. Walking inside, he almost regretted that decision. Almost. He saw Horatio signing for him to come into his office. Did he know? Did Calleigh tell him? Then he saw Eric, Calleigh and Natalia approaching from the other side and he understood that Horatio knew nothing. They were just getting their cases assigned. He thought for a second he might've sighed in relief.

"Good morning everyone," Horatio started. Everyone muttered their greetings. Ryan let his eyes glide past every face in the room. Horatio, sitting behind his desk, looked calm and collected as ever. If he noticed something, he was doing a good job of hiding it. Eric, who was sitting half on the table in the room, wasn't throwing angry looks his way, so Ryan assumed he didn't know either. Natalia, standing next to Eric with her arms crossed, was focused on Horatio. But Ryan didn't think Calleigh would tell her. Calleigh…God she was beautiful in black. She stared at the ground. Perhaps sensing his glance, she looked up, their eyes connecting. Ryan quickly looked away. When he dared to glance again, her eyes were directed to the floor, just like before. After a few seconds of silence, Horatio continued.

"Eric," Eric looked at him, "your diving skills are needed at the marina. A father and a son, spending some quality time there, caught a rather strange fish. It had toes."

Eric snickered and Calleigh did too. Whether it was because she really thought it was funny or to hide the fact that something was wrong, she didn't know.

"You might find it useful to take Miss Boa Vista with you."

Calleigh's heart fell. That ruled out two persons she could work with instead of with Ryan.

"Mr. Wolfe," Horatio resumed, "I'd like you to come with me. Shots were heard in an abandoned factory near Miami Beach. Calleigh, a CSI was requested downtown. A bookstore was robbed. They have surveillance; it will be an easy case."

Ryan hadn't felt so relieved since he was hired at the lab. Calleigh gave a nod and left. The look in her eyes did not go unnoticed by Ryan. She was just as, if not more, relieved as he was. Natalia and Eric smiled at him on their way out.

"Okay H…" He said. His voice didn't sound like his own at all. "Who does the factory belong to?" He continued, swallowing.
"It's unclear. The city of Miami, I think. No one really uses it but bored teens."
"Bored teens with guns?" Ryan asked.
"That's for us to find out, Mr. Wolfe…that's for us to find out.

Horatio had been right; Calleigh's case was an easy one. The thief hadn't worn gloves; his face was clearly visible on the surveillance tape, and the store owner was a woman with a memory like an elephant. Tripp and she were ready to interrogate him only an hour later. Normally Calleigh had a dislike for cases like these, she felt like they were an insult to their skills, but today, she was ready to embrace the case with open arms.

"So, let me get this straight. You rob a bookstore, but you don't wear gloves or a mask. Are you just stupid, or did you want to get caught?" Frank asked.
"I'm not stupid." A boy, probably not older than about 16, said.
"I'll be the judge of that. So you wanted to get caught?"
"Kind of."
"Kind of? Come on kid, there's a tuna sandwich waiting for me. Why would anyone want to rob a bookstore in the first place, and get caught doing so in the second place?"

Calleigh didn't mind that Frank was taking the lead on the interrogation. She knew that he liked to do it, he was good at it, and it only meant she didn't have to concentrate all that much.

"It doesn't matter, does it? You're supposed to find the 'who' and the 'how', not the 'why'."
"Look at you, think you know the justice system. You may have a point, but I'm a curious person so please, surprise me."
"Why do you care? I did it. Lock me away."

This caught Calleigh's attention. She had had one other case like this, way back when she was still a rookie in patrol. She remembered a boy refusing to say why he robbed an old lady. She was so concentrated on finding out why he did it; one of their own got killed because he was ambushed. The kid had just been a diversion. She had felt miserable for 5 weeks after the accident.

Her mind made overtime. The marina was too out in the open to be the target. But an abandoned factory near Miami Beach could very well be…

She stood up and signed to Frank to follow her. Eric and Natalia just came back from their scene and Calleigh quickly briefed them all. They all entered the interrogation room again and Calleigh hit the table.

"What time?" She demanded.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh, spare me. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb. Now you tell me when it's going to happen right now, or I will make sure that the rest of your life is worse than hell, you got me?"
"You have about ten minutes." The boy said, his eyes big.

They hurried to the Hummers.

"Why the attitude Cal?" Eric asked.
"Bad memories. And Ryan and I broke up. She confessed, never stopping to run.
"I’m sorry." Eric said.
"Me too. And if something happens to him I'll never forgive myself."
"You broke up with him?"
"Worse. I said I never loved him in the first place."
"Ouch."
"I know, I know. You drive. As fast as you can."

And Eric did. The last time he'd raced like this was when he was bringing Ryan to the E.R. when someone had shot a nail into the skin next to his eye. He didn't want to bring a dead body to the morgue this time.

Ryan stared out of the passenger's seat window. He knew that Horatio knew that he was distracted. Maybe he could talk…but Horatio would most likely take Calleigh's side. After all they'd been friends for like forever, and he…he was just Mr. Wolfe. Yet still it felt like a good idea to ask Horatio's opinion. He was like a father to Calleigh and knew her better than anyone else.

"Horatio…"
"Mr. Wolfe?"
"I…I could turn this into a hypothetical conversation, it always works with my uncle, but probably not on you, so…"
"What's on your mind son?"

And that broke all Ryan's barriers. He told Horatio about the fight, the things they'd said and how they'd broken up.

"…and you have to believe me, I didn't mean to hurt her, I love her so much, but she hurt me so much too. And I just don't know what to do now."

Horatio didn't speak.

"I understand you probably think I'm the biggest jerk in history, I probably am the biggest jerk in history, but…." His voice faded away.

Finally, Horatio spoke. "Calleigh has a tendency to say things she doesn't mean when she's upset. We've learned to ignore her in times like that."
"Yeah, but how can I ignore her when she's literally throwing things at me to get me out of the door?"
"I don't know Mr. Wolfe, but I do know that Calleigh will come around if you give it time."

Ryan agreed silently and kept quiet until they arrived at the factory. "I'll get the kits." He said. "You do that."

Thanks to traffic, their drive had taken a lot longer than it usually would have. Ryan wondered if that was the reason there wasn't a police officer around. But that wouldn't explain the lack of crime scene tape on the scene.

"Mr. Wolfe, grab your gun." Horatio said, clearly also sensing something was off. Ryan did as he was told, his mind switching to patrol mode in a matter of seconds.

He entered after Horatio. The factory was large, but dark inside. Slowly getting used to it, Ryan stepped left and took cover behind a pile of wooden boxes. Somewhere outside he heard a car stop.

Calleigh was the first person out of the car. Their trip was way shorter than Horatio and Ryan's, because they'd taken the inner road. Eric, Natalia and Frank left the car too and together they yelled: "Horatio, Ryan, get the hell out of there, it's a trick!"

Ryan's head jerked at the same time the gunfire started. Shocked, Calleigh wanted to run inside, but Eric grabbed her arm. "Please…" She exclaimed.

Inside, Ryan tried to position himself so that he could shoot without getting shot himself, but he wasn’t sure where Horatio was, and he didn't want to risk shooting his boss.

Calleigh was supposed to keep herself together, but she was far from that point. Tears pricked in her eyes and even though she knew Eric was right in holding her back, there was nothing more she wanted to do than run in and help. The conversation she'd had with Ryan after he froze in a shootout kept playing in her head.

"Mr. Wolfe, pull back out." Horatio yelled. "We're getting out of here."

Ryan saw a flash of red hair, and a flash of a gun. Aiming the best he could, he shot in the direction of the gun. And that was when the explosion sounded.

Natalia gasped and Calleigh let out a cry. Eric and Frank swore. Next, they saw Horatio running out of the building, which had now caught on fire.

"H!" Eric yelled, grabbing his arm when he reached them. "Where's Wolfe? Horatio, where is Ryan?" He asked.
"Inside." Horatio responded. "He shot at someone. I think there was gunpowder or gasoline stalled in there."

Calleigh stared at the factory in horror. This couldn't be happening. This wasn't right; it wasn't how it was supposed to be. "My God, don't let this be it. Please, please, don't let this be true."

And then Ryan came stumbling out of the factory, and it collapsed partly behind him. On first sight there wasn't any blood on him, but his face was dirty with black smudges and there was a tear in his shirt from his shoulder to halfway his chest.

"Oh God, Ryan."

Calleigh started moving towards him, started to run. She'd asked God for another chance and she'd got it. She got it and she was planning on using it the best she could. Reaching him, she wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

"You stupid, stupid idiot!"

Ryan wrapped his arms around her as well and placed a hand between her shoulder blades, pulling her closer to him.

"I love you too Cal."

The rest of the team thought this was a good moment to leave them alone, so they brought Horatio to one of the Hummers to sit down while they waited for the ambulance Natalia called.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You must hate me." Calleigh said.
"Not a million fights can make me hate you, and you know that." Ryan replied.
"I thought you were dead. Blown up."
"I'm alright. A bit shaken and a tad dirty, but okay."

Calleigh brushed her fingers over his cheek, trying to rub away the black smudge, but only resulting in making it worse.

"Can you ever forgive me?" She asked softly.
"It depends." Ryan said. Calleigh's eyes watered. "Did you mean the things you said?" He asked.
"I said many things. Some I meant, most I didn't."
"You never loved me in the first place?"

Calleigh took a step back. Tears were leaking down her cheeks now.

"That was a lie. I didn't mean it. I never should've said it, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to make it up to you."
"Prove it to me."
"P…prove?"

Ryan wiped away some of the tears on her face.

"Prove to me that you love me. Right here, right now."
"What do you want me to do?"
"That's up to you Calleigh. As long as you convince me."

Shaking her head, she smiled unexpectedly. She ran her fingers through his hair and tiptoed, cupping his cheek. Slowly their lips met. Calleigh threw all her passion and desire into the kiss, hoping it would be enough to convince him. But she knew his goal was actually to convince her. Because he didn't need to be convinced of their love. He knew it was there. She couldn't believe she had doubted it.

She pulled back slowly, giving him another kiss right after. "I love you Ryan. I really love you."
"Well…you have me convinced. I have a surprise for you."

Ryan reached into his pocket and took out a gold necklace with a bullet. He'd bought it for her for secret Santa once. They'd gotten together not long after that.

"How did you get that?"
"You threw it at my head when you tried to get me to leave, remember?"
"Oh. Yeah."

Ryan smiled and clicked the locket around her neck. "It's okay Cal. We're okay. Aren't we?"
"Yeah…we're okay."
"Dinner at my place tonight?"
"Sounds lovely babe."

She took his hand and led him to the ambulance that had just arrived. He needed to be checked out, but Calleigh knew he was alright. They were alright.

And neither of them could help but think they weren't going to wake up alone tomorrow.

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

Fic: You're The One For Me

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 15:39:46 GMT

Title: You're The One For Me
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: "How did you know dad was the one for you?" "Oh…now that is a long and complicated story. Your father and I didn't get together easily." "Knowing you, why doesn't that surprise me?"
Rating: K
Spoilers: None.
Song: None.
A/N: Explanations for the names: I could really see Calleigh name her son after Speed, I just stumbled across the name Haylie and liked it, and Rebecca…I like how you can shorten it to either Becca or Becky

A door was thrown open and a girl with dark blond hair and green eyes walked in. She threw her backpack to the floor and stormed through the room. Calleigh came out of the kitchen to look at her and Ryan looked up from the newspaper he was reading. They both noticed the tears in her eyes.

"Haylie, what's wrong sweetheart?" Ryan asked.
"Nothing!" Haylie yelled and she disappeared onto the stairs.

Calleigh walked into the living room. "I take it this wasn't a good day for her."
"I don't think so, no."
"I better go talk to her. Can you pay attention to dinner for a moment?"
"Sure, go on." Ryan said, while standing up to walk to the kitchen.

Climbing the stairs Calleigh heard the sobs coming from Haylie's room. Tim and Rebecca emerged from their respective rooms and looked at their mother.

"Go back in and play some more, I will talk to Haylie. Tim, take Rebecca to your room for a moment maybe." Calleigh told them.
"Okay mom. Come Becky, we're gonna play that game you like." Tim said.
"Can I be the girl?" Rebecca said cheerfully.
"Of course you can. Come on."

Tim smiled at his mother and she gave him an appreciating nod back. She then turned back to Haylie's room and knocked.

"Go away!" A muffled voice told her.
"Haylie, I'm coming in."
"No, just go away, leave me alone."

Calleigh sighed and opened the door a nick. Haylie was lying on her bed, her face in her pillow, and obviously crying. She stepped in and sat down on the edge of the bed, stroking her daughter's hair.

"What part of leave me alone don't you understand?" Haylie sobbed.
"The part that says I'm a mother and my daughter is crying. Now what's going on? You were late."
"I know, I didn't come home straight after school."
"Your father and I already suspected that. Where did you go?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Matters to me."

Haylie lifted her head from the pillow. Her eyes were red and wet. She rubbed them with the back of her hand and took a deep breath.

"David and I went to the park."
"Is he the reason you're crying?" Calleigh asked, cupping her daughter's cheek.
"Yes…he…he…he broke up with me." Haylie said, bursting into tears again.

Calleigh made a disapproving noise and pulled Haylie against her, who continued crying. Calleigh rubbed her back and waited for her to explain it.

"He, like, took me there only to tell me he liked some older girl."
"You were indeed a bit young for him sweetie."
"You're not helping mom."
"Hey, he broke up with you, it's his loss. Let him go."
"I just want to kill him!"
"That's not a very clever thing to say when both of your parents are CSIs, don't you think?"

Haylie chuckled through her tears and looked at her mom.

"I guess not."
"You're only thirteen. The right guy is out there for you somewhere."
"Thanks mom."
"You're welcome. Come here."

Haylie wrapped her arms around Calleigh and hugged her.

"I love you mom."
"I love you too honey." Calleigh said, smiling.
"Hey mom…?"
"Yes?"
"How did you know dad was the one for you?" Haylie asked.
"Oh…now that is a long and complicated story. Your father and I didn't get together easily."
"Knowing you, why doesn't that surprise me?" Haylie smiled.

[Flashback]
Once in a while, the entire team, including some lab techs, would go to the bar across from the lab. Mostly after rough cases, so they could unwind from all the stress such a case could bring along. Eric reclaimed his place at the table, carrying a tray with quite a few glasses of beer on it. As soon as he put it down, hands reached out to grab one of the glasses.

"Relax guys, there's enough for everyone." Eric said, amused by his co-workers' actions.
"Now you know enough for everyone isn't nearly enough for me." Valera quipped.
"Hey, you take it easy Max; I'm not carrying you home this time." Eric commented.
"Neither am I!" The rest of the team kicked in.
"Alright, alright, because my colleagues aren't very socially skilled, I'll keep myself in hand." Valera said, waving her hand around.
Natalia leaned forward to take a glass but Valera beat her. "Don't touch that. It has my name on it!"
With wide eyes Natalia watched Valera take a sip from the glass that she'd wanted to grab just seconds ago. Then she burst into laughter and took another glass.

Horatio watched his team with amusement and leaned over to Calleigh, who was sitting in the chair next to him.

"If we make it out before she does, we're safe." He said to her.
"Yes, I've had my fair share of turns in driving Valera home." Calleigh agreed.

In that moment Ryan came walking towards them. Eric, who was still standing, immediately patted his shoulder and handed him a glass of beer.

"Dude, we were already thinking you weren't gonna come anymore. Sit down! But not here, cause that's my place." Eric quickly sat down to prove his point.

Ryan looked a little helpless and Calleigh waved him over to sit in the chair in-between her and Natalia. He did, and looked at Eric, Valera, Dan, and Natalia, who were all slightly tipsy and kind of noisy. Then he looked over at Calleigh, who noticed the expression in his eyes. It was like the world was crumbling down.

"Are you okay?" She asked, not loud enough for the others to hear, but not soft enough for him to miss.
"Yeah, fine. I just had a bit of a headache so I wasn't sure if I was gonna come, but well; I thought it's only once in a while..."

Calleigh did notice the slight tremble in his voice, but decided not to ask on it.

"If you're not feeling well you should've stayed at home."
"I'm okay Cal, really. I just want to have some fun with you guys."

But as the night proceeded, she noticed that he wasn't really drinking his beer, not talking with anyone, and just pretending to laugh when the rest did. When he suddenly excused himself to go to the restroom, she thought she saw tears in his eyes. When she looked at Horatio, she saw he'd been looking at Ryan too, and was now looking at her with the same worried expression as she probably wore on her face. None of their other colleagues seemed to have noticed though.

"I'm gonna go see what's up with him." Calleigh told Horatio softly, before standing up and making her way to the restrooms. But when she arrived there, they were empty, and there wasn't a trace of Ryan. She felt a cold breeze going through the small hallway and that's when she noticed an open door at the end of it.

She walked towards it and even before she walked out, she knew she was going to found Ryan there. And she did, right around the corner, leaning against the wall.

"Ryan? What's going on?" She stood in front of him and he looked up at her. "Nothing Cal." She smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"You know better than to nothing me. You've been quiet the entire time, you were late in the first place, and now you're standing outside, on your own…why don't you just tell me what is wrong?"
"It's…a friend of mine…she was killed in a hit and run today."

Ryan hung his head and Calleigh squeezed his shoulder lightly. "Oh Ryan…"
"It just reminds me of how much I hate this job. I did have a headache but that wasn't the reason I was late."
"I'm so sorry. Was she a close friend?"
"God, really close. We went to college together, and we called each other every week."
"Really? She lives in Miami?"
"No, Boston. I might…I mean I probably will go back for the funeral."
"Was she…your girlfriend?"
"She was when we were still in college. But then she met this other guy and we split up. The guy turned out to be a jerk, and we tried to get back together but it just…didn't work anymore, you know?"
"I understand." Calleigh nodded.
"We did stay friends; I'd rather do that than lose her entirely. I get home from work and I get a call from her mother saying she's…she's gone." A tear slipped down his face.

Calleigh wrapped her arms around him and pulled his trembling body against hers. She ran her hand through his hair, trying to calm her down as he cried softly. She knew he didn't want to, certainly not with her here, but she also knew that he couldn't help it. Someone he deeply cared about had died, and she was awfully familiar with that feeling.

"It's alright Ryan. I know it hurts, but sadly, that's what happens. People come and people go, whether we like it or not." She soothed him softly.
He pushed himself away from her. "But why her? She was such a good person Cal, she did charity, worked with kids, and she was so friendly to everyone…"
"The good ones go first." Calleigh said sombre.
"I don't think I can go back in there…"
"That's alright. You don't have to. You should just go home; you're way too upset to have fun here. I'll tell the gang you really weren't feeling well." Calleigh said, starting to step back to the door. Ryan grabbed her wrist. "Wait."

She took a step forward and leaned against the wall he was standing in front of. "What's the matter?"
"Promise me you won't leave soon."
Calleigh let out a small laugh. "You know I can't promise, but I'm not planning on leaving anytime soon Ryan. I do promise that."
"I don't want to lose anyone else."
"It really makes you think, huh, when something like this happens?"
"Yeah…I guess. This job does a pretty well job at that too, but…"
"You don't have to tell me Ryan. I do know."

Ryan wiped his face and composed himself, taking a deep breath in and letting it out slowly. He crossed his arms, uncrossed them again… Calleigh reached out and touched his cheek, making him jump and look at her worryingly.

"Calm down Ryan. I know you don't know what to do right now, but it'll all point out itself. I'll be here if you need any help."
"I'm just wondering if I did the right thing, you know? Maybe we should've tried harder, have I been a good enough friend?"
"Ryan, sweetie, if you're such a good friend to her as you are to me, then you've got nothing to worry about."
"Am I a good enough friend to you?"
"You are more than a good enough friend to me. Don't you doubt that."
"I'm just so messed up right now." Ryan said, bringing a hand to his head.
"I understand. I do. Should I drive you home?"
"No, no, you're having fun here and I don't want to ruin it, you've been here with me for too long anyway…"
"Ryan, stop. You're my friend. If you want to go home but you don't think you can drive, I'll drive you. No problem."
"Please…"
"Please what? Drive you?"
"Yes."
"Alright. You walk to the car around back, alright? I'll go tell the rest I'm bringing you home."

Calleigh walked back to the rest of the team, and leaned down next to Horatio. She quickly informed him of the situation, the real situation, instead of telling him that Ryan was feeling sick. She wasn't sure if he'd like it, but she knew Horatio would have to know eventually. She left before the rest could notice she was gone, and left through the front exit to see Ryan already waiting next to her car.

"It's all settled, we can go." She told him.
"Thanks Cal…"
"Oh, I did tell Horatio the truth. He's going to find out anyway, and if you want time off to go to the funeral you need to give him the reason."
"That's okay."

Ryan got into the passenger's seat as Calleigh pulled the driver's seat door closed. She looked over at Ryan who was leaning his head back, his eyes closed.

"Trying to remember her face?" She asked.
"Her voice. I can remember her face so clearly, but her voice…"
"It'll come back to you."
[/flashback]

"Mom, please. Although this is very interesting and…kinda sad for dad…don't tell me you kissed him then." Haylie interrupted the story.
"What? No, I didn't. Of course not."
"I want to know when you kissed. When you really got together."
"Well alright, but you did need this story to understand."
"Well I got it now. Go on, please…?"
"All you care about is kissing, isn't it?" Calleigh teased, making Haylie turn a bright red.
"Mom…"
"Fine, fine. I'll skip a part."

[Flashback]
Calleigh looked at the clock as people rushed around her on the busy airport. She didn't have to rush, she was in no hurry. After all, she was just waiting for someone to return. As she waited she watched the people come out of the gate leading to the airplane that has just landed. Families, probably just back from vacation, businessmen, the ones that travel first class with their laptops, a few couples, some people who were all alone, but being waited for in the entrance hall, just like she was standing there waiting. When she spotted Ryan in the crowd she directly noticed he looked better. Not great yet, but definitely better. His head was down, so he didn't see her. Afraid he was gonna pass her, she called out his name.

"Ryan!" His head jerked up at the sound of his name and a smile crossed his face when he saw her. He made his way through the crowd and when he reached her, he unexpectedly wrapped his arms around her. Shocked, Calleigh placed her hands on his back and waited for the explanation she knew she was gonna get soon. He pulled back and stared into her eyes.

"Thanks for caring." He said softly.
She smiled back at him and placed a hand on his cheek. "I'm glad you got to say goodbye."
"Me too. It made me realize something."
"What's that?"
"Life's too short."
"That's a fact, I can't deny."
"Which is why, even if you kill me afterwards, I think it's necessary to do this right now."

If Calleigh thought she was confused by his words, she was even more confused that just seconds later she suddenly felt his lips on hers. But killing him wasn't among her list of things to do when he pulled back. Kiss him again was closer.

He noticed she wasn't replying and started to pull back, which was the cue Calleigh needed to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him back.
[/flashback]

"Oh my God, dad kissed you?" Haylie interrupted yet again.
"Does that surprise you?"
"Actually, yeah! He's the shy type…I didn't think he'd take the first step."
"Honestly, neither did I, but when he did I was very glad. Because I knew I loved him, I was just afraid to admit."
"Well I think you and dad are just perfect for each other. I mean you're so…you and he loves you so much. It's kinda sickening sometimes. But cute at the same time. I want someone like that by my side later."
"And you will. You're a beautiful girl, smart; funny…you'll find a guy that appreciates those qualities like your father appreciated them in me."
"That, and the fact you can shoot a gun." Haylie joked.
"That, and the fact I can shoot a gun." Calleigh confirmed.

"Cal, Haylie, Tim, Becky, dinner." Ryan called up the stairs.

Haylie stood up and Calleigh followed her example. They walked out of her room and Haylie closed the door and started walking down the stairs.

Tim and Rebecca came out of Tim's room and Rebecca ran up to Calleigh, who lifted her and held her on her arm. Her other hand touched the back of her son's head as he walked past her to go down the stairs. The group of four – Haylie first, then Tim and then Calleigh who was holding Rebecca – entered the living room where Ryan was setting the table.

He threw a questioning look at Calleigh, who smiled at him. He nodded, smiling back, and watched his two oldest kids sitting down at the table. Calleigh put Rebecca down and she joined her sister and brother, grabbed her spoon and started calling for dinner.

Calleigh walked up to Ryan and pulled him in for a kiss. It didn't take long for the 'eww' sounds to start filling the kitchen.

"When I said it was sickening sometimes, I meant moments like this." Haylie commented.
"Hey, your mother and I are still very much in love. We will keep kissing each other when we want to, no matter if you're around or not, so get used to it, alright?" Ryan replied.
"I am used to it, that's the worst part." Haylie stuck out her tongue.

Laughing, Calleigh and Ryan entered the kitchen to get the plates.

"Is everything alright?" Ryan asked.
"Just fine. David broke up with her, like we saw coming. So to calm her down I told Haylie about our first kiss."
"Ah, now that should calm anyone's nerves. I know it did mine."
"Hell no, your heart was racing faster than a speeding bullet." Calleigh patted his chest.
"Alright, alright, I confess. It didn't at that time, but it did every time we kissed after that. You always calm me down."

"It's my special talent." Calleigh smiled as Ryan wrapped his arms around her and gave her a passionate kiss. They broke it off as soon as all three of their children started yelling for their food.

"Why did we decide we wanted three of those?" Ryan groaned.
"Actually, I think we decided we wanted one. Then one more, because an only child seemed so lonely. And…well we didn't really want a third one until it happened."
"Do you think our family's complete now?"
"Why, do you want a fourth one?" Calleigh asked surprised.
"I don't think so. You know I love them, but three is the maximum for me. If anything, I'd rather take in a cat."

Calleigh let out a warm laugh and started collecting plates to take to the table. "I agree, we've done our share of gene passing." Ryan grabbed the remaining few plates and kissed his wife's cheek in the passing by. He placed the plates he was holding on the table, and Calleigh did the same behind him, rubbing Haylie's hair as she walked to her own seat.

Rolling her eyes, Haylie started dinner, quickly followed by her siblings. Calleigh sat down next to Ryan, opposite of her three children, and couldn't help but think she had the perfect family she'd dreamed off ever since she was little. A wonderful husband and three really special kids. Honestly, what more could she wish for?

Fic: Cry

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 15:30:00 GMT

Title: Cry
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: Crying is a natural thing to do. It was the first thing you did when you were born, and it could very well be the last thing you do before you die. It's human nature to cry when in pain, sadness, or even in happiness.
Rating: K
Spoilers: for No Man's Land and Man Down
Song: None.
A/N: Slightly OOC, but one of my fave fics nonetheless.

Cry [krahy]; verb, cried, crying, noun, plural cries.
–verb (used without object)

1. to utter inarticulate sounds, esp. of lamentation, grief, or suffering, usually with tears.
2. to weep; shed tears, with or without sound.

Crying is a natural thing to do. It was the first thing you did when you were born, and it could very well be the last thing you do before you die. It's human nature to cry when in pain, sadness, or even in happiness.

You cry when you fall down while chasing the kid next door and hurt your knee.
You cry when your little sister breaks the mug you were so fond of.
You cry when you find out that your best friend isn't going to the same high school as you are.
You cry when your first boyfriend, the one that you think was really 'the one', breaks up with you.
You cry when you graduate from college.
You cry when someone proposes to you, or at least when you get married.
You cry when one of your best friends gets shot in the line of duty, flat lines multiple times and is brought back to life after more then ten minutes of resuscitation, and then ends up with memory loss.

I can't testify to the first 6 sentences, but I can tell you: that last sentence, does not apply to Calleigh Duquesne.

She has always been my great example, the person I looked up to, the one woman I thought would never lose control. But when I walked into ballistics that day, that evening, and saw her there, I knew I had been wrong. Calleigh Duquesne did lose control, and I was witnessing it with my own two eyes.

Seated on the floor in the corner, she had her arms wrapped tight around her knees. Though she wasn't crying yet, her eyes were unmistakably filled with tears. She was staring at the floor and probably didn't notice my presence until I was standing in front of her and she could see my shoes.

When she did see me, she abruptly went to stand up, but I placed my hand on her shoulder and pushed her back down, crouching in front of her. She wiped her eyes quickly and put on a very, very fake smile.

"Hey." She said.
"Cal…" I replied, "you don't have to hide it from me."
"Hide what?" Still that fake smile.
"The fact that you're sad, and on the verge of crying."
"I'm not."
"Don't lie to me."

The smile disappeared and she looked at me. My hand was still on her shoulder and I gave it a squeeze, letting her know that I was there and I understood.

"It's okay for you to cry, Calleigh. One of your best friends has been shot and he almost died. He's not the same person anymore, and that upsets you. And that's okay. It upsets me too."
"I'm fine."
"If someone would give me a dollar for every time you said that but didn't mean it, I'd be richer than Bill Gates by now. Calleigh, I know you, you might not know that I know you, but I do. You're sitting here, all alone, and you're near crying. So just let it out."
"I don't want to cry."
"But sometimes you need to."

It was silent for a while, but she didn't cry. She was fighting not to, I could see that, and for now she succeeded, because she didn't cry.

"Calleigh…why are you even still here? It's way past our shift."
"I don't want to go home."
"You need to get some rest. At least a more comfortable place to sit than the cold, hard floor."
"Ryan, stop telling me what to do."
"I just want to help you."
"And I don't need or want your help!"

She snapped at me, and I finally pulled my hand back. She looked at her now empty shoulder and then back at me.

"I don't want him to change." She said now, softly.
"He already did, Calleigh. There's nothing we can about that."
"What if he…forgot everything?"
"He remembered your name, right?" I stated.
"My name, but what if he doesn't know who I am anymore?"
"He knows Calleigh. Even a bullet can't make people forget about you, trust me."

She smiled, a real smile this time, but not a happy smile. It was a sad smile. And if there is anything I hate to see on Calleigh's face, it's a sad smile.

"How about we get out of here? I can drive you home and we can talk."
"There's nothing to talk about."

I cupped her cheek with my hand and stroked her face with my thumb.

"Something, Calleigh, something tells me that you don't mean that. You want to talk. You need to talk; you just don't want people to see you're vulnerable. You feel like I've already seen too much right now. That's why you don't want to talk to me. You think that if I find out more, I won't respect you anymore, because you're not as strong as you let people believe you are. But I know how strong you are, Cal, and I'll never stop respecting you. I respect you more than I do anyone. So please, let me take you home and let me…let me make sure you're okay. Can you do that?"

She looked at me again and I saw the tears in her eyes ready to slip out and spill. She bit her lip in an attempt to keep herself together and I knew that second that she wouldn't be able to make it home without breaking down. She was too close to hold it all in long enough. I also knew that she wouldn't want to break down here, where people could see her.

"Come on Cal. We're going for a walk, come on."

I stood up and took her hand, pulling her onto her feet. We sneaked out of the backdoor and walked. I led, she followed, in silence. I took her with me onto a hill that looked out over the city. I used to come there all the time, to study, watch the city and just relax. I seemed to be the only person though, because it had always been empty and calm up there. And it still was when we reached the top.

"Here Cal. Sit down, keep standing, whatever you want. Just please tell me what you're feeling. Please talk to me, trust me."
"I do trust you." She said.
"Then why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"I don't…I don't want you to see me…like this."
"I know you don't Calleigh. But…I do see you, and I don't mind. I won't form another opinion about you know, I won't think less highly of you than I do now. In fact, I'll actually think even higher of you, because you're human, and you cry, which means you care. You care, Calleigh, and that's a quality that people value in a person."

She looked at me and took a deep breath in. Her lip quivered and I couldn't believe that she even managed to keep herself together until now.

"Look, if you want me to go away and leave you alone, I will. But you know, I'm talking out of experience here, it helps to have someone by your side when you feel sad."
"I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay."

I gave her a caring look and my hand reached out to take hers in it. I nodded slowly.

"Then I'll be right here."

The first tear escaped from her eye and slid down her cheek. She lifted her hand to wipe it away but I grabbed it, so now I held both of her hands.

"You need to let it go."

And she did. More tears started rolling over her cheeks and she sobbed. She turned her head away; I know she was struggling with the thought to tell me to leave. I let go of her hands but then she grabbed them again.

"Don't leave me."

I smiled and pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms around her crying figure. She cried into my chest and I stroked her back gently.

"I'm never gonna leave you Calleigh. Don't worry."

Several times I felt her wanting to pull away, but I didn't let her, I kept holding her close. She had to let go of all the emotions she cropped up inside once, and I knew that moment was now. And I couldn't be luckier. Calleigh Duquesne was breaking down, and she was letting me be there.

When she pulled back her eyes were red and wet, but they had that thankful sparkling look in them. I nodded; I let her know it was okay. She took a step back and took a deep breath, watching over the city. Watching over the city like I was watching over her.

"You made me cry." She commented, not looking at me.
"I know. And I did it intentionally too."

I saw the corners of her mouth creep up into a sweet smile and it made my heart rise. I couldn't help but smile back, even though she still wasn't facing me.

"This never happened, you got it?" She asked me, still smiling.
"What never happened?" I grinned.

She turned to face me now and nodded slowly.

"Even though I'll probably never show you, I'm really thankful for this."
"Show me." I dared her.
"Ryan…"
"I'm serious, show me."
"Alright."

She stepped close to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I felt the remnants of tears on my cheek as she brushed her cheek against mine. I placed my hands on her upper arms.

"Thank you." She whispered into my ear.
"You're we…" I started, but she silenced me by putting a finger on my lips.
"Uh-uh."

She gently brushed her lips against my cheek. I stood paralyzed.

"You don't have to say anything." She stepped back.

I cupped her cheeks and wiped her remaining tears away with my thumbs. Then, unexpectedly, I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. I couldn't believe what I was doing, but at the same time I couldn't stop. And she didn't want me to stop, because she kissed me back.

Crying is a natural thing to do. It was the first thing you did when you were born, and it could very well be the last thing you do before you die. It's human nature to cry when in pain, sadness, or even in happiness. And when I felt a tear roll down my own cheek, I knew I wasn't in pain, and I wasn't sad. No. I was happy. For the first time in my life, I was truly happy.

Fic: A Stupid Mistake

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 21:45:45 GMT

Title: A Stupid Mistake
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: Whatever mistakes he made, he knew she could make them fade. He knew she'd be able to make him forget. And as they sat there watching the sunset, he knew she'd find out all she wanted to know about him.
Rating: K
Spoilers: for several episodes throughout all seasons upto 'Death Eminent'.
Song: Gareth Gates - Anyone of Us (stupid mistake)
A/N: Little explanation on Ryan's mistakes and how he feels about them.

She couldn't find him. After attending the little girl's funeral to support the father, who was actually her uncle, she drove straight back to the lab. She searched in Trace and Ballistics, asked Cooper in A/V and Valera in DNA, but he wasn't there. She looked for him in Horatio's office, but Horatio told her he wasn't there. She looked for him with Stetler, but he wasn't there either. She ran into Natalia in the hallway, but she'd seen him leave the building in a hurry as soon as their case was closed.

And so Calleigh clocked out and got back into her car, making her way to the apartment that she'd been to on a couple of occasions. Making her way to the apartment belonging to Ryan Wolfe. The drive there was silent. She could've put the radio on, but she needed the silence. She needed the silence to put her thoughts in a row, to figure out what she was going to say. Although she was going there to talk about what he did, she didn't want to give him the impression she was against him. No, she was on his side. She wanted to help him.

She knew, from experience, that people did things that they regretted later. They saw it happen every single day. Murderers who regret killing someone. Mothers who regretted leaving their children alone. Husbands regretting having cheated on their wives, and reversed. And CSIs. CSIs that regretted a certain decision they made, a certain hunch they followed. She regretted a lot. Yes, she definitely regretted a lot.

When she parked her car in front of Ryan's apartment, she saw the front door was open a nick. She knew that was nothing like him, and it had her worried. She got out and knocked on the door. She called his name twice but he didn't call back, so she slowly pushed the door further open and stepped inside. The apartment looked the same as always, but cleaner. That was almost impossible, she knew with Ryan's OCD it had to be clean, but right now it was shining like the brightest star in the black sky.

Reaching the living room she saw that he wasn't there either. She was really starting to grow concerned, where could he be? He wouldn't leave his house without locking the door, surely. Not voluntarily at least. But just as she was about to reach out for her cell phone to try and call him, she saw him sitting outside. Through his big windows she saw he was sitting on the steps leading down into his garden, his arms wrapped around his knees, staring into nothing.

Relieved, she opened the backdoor softly and stepped out into the evening Miami air. She stood there watching him for a moment, the wind blowing through her blond hair. Then she stepped forward so she stood next to Ryan. He looked up and a look of confusion crossed his face. She smiled and sat down next to him. They sat in silence for a moment. He couldn't bring himself to ask her the question he wanted to, and she couldn't bring herself to give him the answer he wanted. And then when they could, they both did it at the same time.

"Cal…"
"Ryan…"

They started laughing and Calleigh shook her head. She turned to him and tilted her head ever so slightly.

"You go ahead."
"How'd you get in?" He asked the expected question.
"Your door was open."
"What?" He asked unbelievingly.
"Your door. It was open."

His eyes widened and he went to stand up, but she put her hand on his arm and held him down.

"No worries, I closed it when I came in."
"Oh, thanks. How could I have left the door open?"
"You're upset. Out of your routine."
"So…why are you here?" Ryan asked, shifting to face her.
"Because of that, actually. Do you want to talk about what happened?"
"I shoved a cop. I'm sure you heard the story."
"Yes, but I want to hear it from you."
"I was stupid Cal, I let the boy get to me and I screwed up. I'm such a fool."
"Oh Ryan, everyone makes mistakes."
"You don't. I've never seen you make mistakes."
"That doesn't mean I don't make them. I made my fair share of mistakes."

He sighed and looked at her. She saw the sadness and regret in his eyes. She knew she was going to hear a story she wasn't going to agree with right now.

"I've made too many mistakes. The time I left Eric to go give his evidence to Horatio, the vial of blood I took to court, I froze in a shootout, shoved a lab tech against a wall, I gambled and got paid out in counterfeit super notes, and…now I shoved a cop. I might as well resign right now."
"No Ryan, no way. Don't think that way. I could give you a list of all mistakes I've made but we'd still be sitting here tomorrow at lunch. All your mistakes had a reason, and you're a really great guy and a really great CSI, and we all know it."
"Don't try to cheer me up now. I know it's no use."
"Horatio told you to give him the evidence as soon as possible. You were new and did exactly what he told you. I didn't tell you how to handle it so you took the blood because you thought it was the right thing to do. You froze because…well we had a long talk about that. It's easy to forget how to be in the field. Cooper told the feds about your eye and made you angry. The gambling…yes I admit that was stupid but you thought it was all legal, besides a friend dragged you into it, and it all went away in the end. And shoving the cop…He pissed you off. He went too far for you. That doesn't mean it's good what you did, but it explains it." She went by every point.

He shook his head.

"I just can't believe I got myself into more trouble."
"And I can't believe that you didn't come to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought we'd agreed you could always talk to me."
"We did. I can."
"Then why didn't you?"
"I didn't feel like talking."
"I've heard that before." She smiled.
"I know you have. I know I should have come to you. But I didn't. So you came to me?"

She shoved closer to him and put on that sweet caring look that could make him melt. Her eyes full of compassion, she answered:

"I figured you couldn't deal with this on your own. You've never been good at that."
"You know me too well Calleigh."
"I don't think I know you too well. There's a lot about you that I still need to learn. But I will, in time. Because I want to. And when I want something, I get it."

She smiled and wrapped her arm around his shoulders. He smiled back and leaned his head on her shoulder, feeling his worries disappear. Whatever mistakes he made, he knew she could make them fade. He knew she'd be able to make him forget. And as they sat there watching the sunset, he knew she'd find out all she wanted to know about him. Because she wanted to. And because he wanted her, too.

It can happen to anyone of us
Anyone you think of
Anyone can fall
Anyone can hurt someone they love
Hearts will break
Cause I made a stupid mistake
It can happen to anyone of us
Say you will forgive me
Anyone can fail
Say you will believe me
I can't take
My heart will break
Cause I made a stupid mistake
A stupid mistake

Fic: 5 kisses

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 18:55:19 GMT

Title: 5 kisses
Disclaimer: CSI:Miami and all characters belong to CBS, Jerry Bruckheimer and more people like that.
Summary: 5 kisses were all they needed to realize they were in love.
Rating: K+
Spoilers: None.
Song: None.
A/N: I got this idea while reading a 5 moments fic somewhere on livejournal. It took me quite a while to finish it, especially the last 2 were hard. Thanks go out to Katie for being patient yet urging me to write this. I don't know how she puts up with me.

"Ouch! Damnit!"

Three red blood drops leaked onto the floor, just in front of the dummy's feet. Ryan dropped the knife he was holding and grabbed his hand with his other hand. A nasty gash was causing the blood drops, and he looked at it as if his eyes would heal it. Having heard his cry out of pain, Calleigh entered the lab he was working in.

"What did you do?" She asked, looking at his hand. Then looking at the knife on the floor and the stab wound on the dummy, the dots were easily connected. "Cut yourself?"
"Wow, you should become a CSI." He replied sarcastically.

Calleigh smiled and walked to the cabinet on the side of the lab. Opening it, she took the first aid kit out of it, and placed it on the table. She gestured to the chair and Ryan sighed, sitting down.

"I can do it myself Cal."
"I would love to see you bind your own hand." She said, starting to work on his wounded hand.

When she was done he looked at it, and made a face.

"It still hurts."
"I know, but what do you want me to do? I can't just kiss it away."
"I bet you could." Ryan grinned.

Calleigh chuckled and looked at her side, to the door. No one was there. She turned back to him and held out her hand, rolling her eyes. He placed his hand in hers and she softly kissed the top of it.

"There. Better now?"
"Oh yeah." He said. "All better."
---------------------------------------

Things hadn't really worked out as planned. Their last chance to catch a serial killer was a lure-out, using Calleigh as their bait. But instead of inviting her to come with him, which was part of his MO, the suspect decided to chase after her. Running away on high heels didn't go so well and before she could reach the group of police officers, she slipped and fell to the ground.

In a quick reflex the team started to move in to prevent the suspect from killing; and this time not just a woman, but Calleigh. As the officers rushed after the man to not let him get away, Ryan made his way through the chaos and extended his hand to Calleigh in order to help her onto her feet. She looked frightened and was still catching her breath from the run.

"And that is exactly the reason I never wear high heels." She said, tears welling up in her eyes.
She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
"Hey now, you're fine."
"I was scared Ryan." She said, crossing her arms. "I shouldn't have been, but I was scared."
"That's okay."

Ryan pulled her into an embrace. She let him, but kept her arms crossed, letting him know she wasn't ready to let someone in completely, but was willing to let him get near. And he was okay with that. He stroked her soft blond hair and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"That's okay."
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Horatio always said: "we never close", but the hallways were so calm Calleigh could've sworn that they actually were closed. It was the 1st of January, and the day shift was just arriving. She found herself alone in the locker room, which was a rarity for the Miami Dade Crimelab. Closing her locker, she noticed someone coming in from the corner of her eye, and when the silhouette came closer, she saw it was Ryan.

"Hey Ryan."
"Hey Cal, how was your evening?"
"It's just another evening, another countdown to the moment the alarm clock goes off and I go to work."
"New Year's is not about work."

Ryan opened his locker and started following her example of taking his badge and gun out. Calleigh leaned her side against the locker next to his.

"It's all about life, Ryan. People lose their lives, every day of every new year."
"You're not going to stop that."
"But we help getting closure for the ones that stay behind."
"And you're good at it, granted. But is that really all you think about on New Year's Eve?"
"No. I think about what I didn't achieve last year and what I do want to achieve this year."
"Such as?"
"That's the point. I didn't achieve anything last year."
"You did! Look at all the killers behind bars!"
"Remind me again; who just told me New Year's is not about work?"
Ryan grinned. "Got me there."

He turned to her and placed his hands on her shoulders, kissing her cheeks three times. Then he removed his hands and took a step back.

"Happy New Year, Cal."
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Her eyes had always been like an open book to him. He could drown in them like in deep green seas, and he could be fascinated by them every day again. If she didn't answer a question, he would look into her eyes, and they would give him the answer he needed. Her eyes could smile, but her eyes could be dark and cold as well. If the latter was the case, he knew he had to avoid her that day, or at least stay on her good side. And then there was that pleading look her eyes sometimes contained. That look that could make him do anything, anything at all. He stared into them as he stood opposite of her, yet again losing himself in what he thought was the most beautiful part of her: her eyes.

"It's getting late. I should head home…" He said, though he wished he didn't have to say it.

She nodded slowly, and lowered her head for a moment, before bringing it back up, her green eyes meeting his. They locked and held each other's gaze.

"I shouldn't have invited you over. It's dark outside, and it's going to take you quite a while to get home."
"It's alright Calleigh. You know I didn't mind to come here."
"Please…stay." She said, merely a whisper.
"What did you say?"
"Stay." She repeated, louder this time. "I don't want you to leave me."

He saw that look in her eyes, the pleading look. He saw her eyes begging him, and he knew he wouldn't be able to deny her request. He saw her eyes flutter closed as he slowly leaned in and their lips met in a sweet kiss. They pulled back and he smiled as her eyes were showing that spark he loved to see.

"Don't worry." He said softly. "I'll never leave you."
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She hadn't been able to say it yet. Although she was convinced she was truly happy with him, and she knew she didn't want to trade it for anything in the world, it was still too soon for her to say that she loved him. But that she couldn't say it, didn't mean she couldn't show it.

"I missed you."
"I missed you more."
"Uh-uh. No way."

Calleigh stepped closer and wrapped her arms around his neck. She moved forward to lean in and kiss him but he cupped her cheeks and stopped her.

"Are you ever gonna say it?"

He looked her in the eye but she diverted her face and stepped back out of his touch.

"Ryan…you know I want to, but…"
"But you can't. I know."

She stepped forward again and leaned her forehead against his, her hands now caressing his cheeks instead of reversed. He knew by the look in her eyes that she desperately wanted to say it, but she really, really, just couldn't yet.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I do know."

Calleigh nodded and then slowly walked away towards the bedroom door. When she was about to go in, she pulled her shirt over her head and disposed of it on the floor. Ryan smiled and shook his head, then walked towards her and placed his hands on her bare shoulders. He leaned in and kissed the soft skin of her neck.

"I love you, Calleigh."

She turned around and he took her into his arms, entering the bedroom. He could say it. He could, and she knew she had to eventually. But for now, it was alright. She could always show him how much she loved him. She would show him, until she was ready to speak.